I hate hosting families with 3 or more kids

[Anonymous]

I don't host anyone at all. Kids or not.

[Anonymous]

A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate the families, but I hate hosting them and I think I'm going to stop.

It's too many people. Specifically too many kids. It seems, on paper, like it's just one more kid than a family with 2 kids. And yet.... it feels like 4-5 more kids? It is just utter chaos. We never make it through a visit without something being broken or drawn on or just randomly destroyed. I'll have spent time with the kids individually, and they will have been well behaved, and then all together they are like small demons.

I would rather host three or four families with 1-2 kids than a single family with 3 or more.

And to parents of 3 or more kids, I truly don't know how you survive. How have your houses not burned down by now? I salute you, but I don't envy you. And I look forward to meeting up at the park!

Yeah, I agree OP. Kids in 1-2 families are usually well behaved.

In families with 3 or more kids parents are usually exhausted and when they visit they just check out. They don’t supervise the kids, they don’t correct them. Anything goes. I’m sure at home they’re the same way, that’s why kids have no manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what people on this board would consider an unseemly number of children. (And of course we know we don’t get invited over as a family to most people’s homes, though we do have many play dates and we host others constantly. It’s a ship that sailed once we got to three so it wasn’t a strong enough factor to stop having kids.) It was an only child who came over and broke our TV. Another only child who came over and bit everyone. I host only children, small families and big families all the time. I’ve done this enough to know when you need to send the whirlwind of kids outside or change their activity before things get wild. I don’t blame all families of only children for the damage those kids have done to my home or peace. The high and mighty us v them rhetoric here is laughable.

In my kids’ grade I’ve known of literally ONE family that had 3 kids - out of 32 families. They were there for one year. About half the class are only and the other half is 2 kids. In my neighborhood (on my street) exactly ZERO families have 3 kids. Needless to say, we don’t host families of 3 very often. My brother’s family has 3 - their house is a tiny chaotic but they’ve never brought the chaos with them - all 3 are lovely and play with my kids quietly and nicely. Their home is mostly neat and tidy. The chaos comes from all the activities and sports - someone is always running somewhere and needs to find or organize something.

That seems very unlikely unless it’s a lower income neighborhood/school.

I think you’re confused. Statistically, lower income families have more children than higher income families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

You’re coming across like an a-hole. You relish in glee when people open their homes to your rowdy kids? Do you live in a nasty dump and get excited about your kids wreaking havoc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

This is true. People where get into five or more kids tend to get more militant out of necessity, and the kids usually fall in line because it's better for them -- at that point even they see that the chaos is too much without rules.

3 is the most an UMC family doing the more trendy style of permissive, "let kids be kids!" parenting can get away with. Sometimes the school/environment is enough to encourage good behavior even if the parents are lax-- a good nanny who is kept around even after kids start school will help a lot too. The worst ones, I hate to say it, tend to have a SAHM who views her job as cruise director and activity planner but doesn't discipline or enforce structure, and a dad who works long hours and wants to enjoy his kids when he's around, not be the disciplinarian.

Boys or girls don't matter, though they express their unruliness differently. Often there are horrifying sibling dynamics because the parents are putting zero effort into addressing sibling rivalry or bullying.

There are a number of families in our neighborhood and school community like this, and yes, people will visibly clench when they roll up.

[Anonymous]

A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

It’s easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. It’s not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

And you know this how? How many kids do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

That is not parenting and giving kids attention if the siblings are parenting each other. No way you can give 7 kids attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate the families, but I hate hosting them and I think I'm going to stop.

It's too many people. Specifically too many kids. It seems, on paper, like it's just one more kid than a family with 2 kids. And yet.... it feels like 4-5 more kids? It is just utter chaos. We never make it through a visit without something being broken or drawn on or just randomly destroyed. I'll have spent time with the kids individually, and they will have been well behaved, and then all together they are like small demons.

I would rather host three or four families with 1-2 kids than a single family with 3 or more.

And to parents of 3 or more kids, I truly don't know how you survive. How have your houses not burned down by now? I salute you, but I don't envy you. And I look forward to meeting up at the park!

Yeah, I agree OP. Kids in 1-2 families are usually well behaved.

In families with 3 or more kids parents are usually exhausted and when they visit they just check out. They don’t supervise the kids, they don’t correct them. Anything goes. I’m sure at home they’re the same way, that’s why kids have no manners.

How many siblings do you have? I’m guessing at least two, based on your lack of manners?

[Anonymous]

I host them outside. I have three sets of neighbors that have five kids a piece. I’m friends with two of those neighbors. We’ll have them over maybe twice a year- in the spring and in the fall - and it’s outside only. We have a trampoline and the kids can run around and do whatever. They can go inside to use the bathroom. I have two teen boys and they nominally supervise (make sure no one dies). It’s all good and no one worries about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

That is not parenting and giving kids attention if the siblings are parenting each other. No way you can give 7 kids attention.

I don’t have a big family, but I’ll note that I - and you apparently - are the statistical historical anomaly and this is an *extremely* modern idea.

I’m not sure where this lauded idea of “attention” came from, but…if you’re insinuating there’s a specific level of attention needed for kids to flourish that is not possible once someone has more than a (set by you) number of children…that’s not at all rooted in thousands of years of human historical data. Humans have flourished for thousands of years, despite very very great odds.