My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

Getting there via the medical school, residency and specialty begs to differ. Are you under the impression that those didn’t require a huge amount of executive functioning? Maybe his wife wants to claim she did that for him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

Getting there via the medical school, residency and specialty begs to differ. Are you under the impression that those didn’t require a huge amount of executive functioning? Maybe his wife wants to claim she did that for him too.

I’m his wife. I said that he was great in a crisis. I didn’t say I went to medical school for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

Getting there via the medical school, residency and specialty begs to differ. Are you under the impression that those didn’t require a huge amount of executive functioning? Maybe his wife wants to claim she did that for him too.

I’m his wife. I said that he was great in a crisis. I didn’t say I went to medical school for him!

I was mostly talking to PP who seemed to think your DHs job is so easy and he got there my osmosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

You’re dysfunctional one. I’m assuming narcissism is what afflicts you.

[Anonymous]

Structured environments schools and jobs are helpful. Less open ended the better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Name calling and all caps.
Now we’re cookin’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

You’re dysfunctional one. I’m assuming narcissism is what afflicts you.

Now picking up after yourself is dysfunctional and narcissistic?! Who knew!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Wait until PP finds out the poster who is sick of their neurotypical partner’s disinterest in learning about ADHD is the wife. People’s biases against ADHD men are crazy, whereas my bias is against men in general. 😆 they invariably think they know everything and don’t take initiative to own tasks related to family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

You’re dysfunctional one. I’m assuming narcissism is what afflicts you.

Now picking up after yourself is dysfunctional and narcissistic?! Who knew!?!

I think it’s the eugenics talk about how all neurodivergent people should drive themselves and their ND children off a cliff that’s getting people upset. Picking up after yourself is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

Life is very dangerous these days and it's the ADHD people who take the jobs that make everything feel safe. Who becomes an air traffic controller even though its too stressful for most people and low paying? ADHD folks. Who takes those crap jobs as ambulance medics? ADHD.

As for nature not wiping out ADHD... do you think neurotypical people were the ones convincing others to leave Africa for the ice age northern lands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

Life is very dangerous these days and it's the ADHD people who take the jobs that make everything feel safe. Who becomes an air traffic controller even though its too stressful for most people and low paying? ADHD folks. Who takes those crap jobs as ambulance medics? ADHD.

As for nature not wiping out ADHD... do you think neurotypical people were the ones convincing others to leave Africa for the ice age northern lands?

+1. ADHD make the best surgeons, crisis managers, etc. I don't know why it's treated as a disability when it's actually a huge advantage. Being NT is a disability.

[Anonymous]

Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover. Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up. He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes. But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

Getting there via the medical school, residency and specialty begs to differ. Are you under the impression that those didn’t require a huge amount of executive functioning? Maybe his wife wants to claim she did that for him too.

Book smarts. Academia for decades. Structured and environment and schedule. Single focus.

What about it PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

You’re dysfunctional one. I’m assuming narcissism is what afflicts you.

Now picking up after yourself is dysfunctional and narcissistic?! Who knew!?!

I think it’s the eugenics talk about how all neurodivergent people should drive themselves and their ND children off a cliff that’s getting people upset. Picking up after yourself is fine.

Huh?

The eugenics talk here on DCUM is all the amazing super powers ND people have and how without them society would be living in caves still. Lol.