My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same boat but mine is so loving, a great dad, and makes $7M/yr so I deal.

How can someone be barely functional, yet bring in $7M a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat but mine is so loving, a great dad, and makes $7M/yr so I deal.

How can someone be barely functional, yet bring in $7M a year?

He can't, but he is never going to be enough for his perfect in every way wife who stays at home and bitc7es about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

So astounding. So many self induced emergencies too with accident prone people and no common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

Right? Isn’t that part of the theory for the existence of ADHD? That it was necessary for hunters to be hyper aware of their surroundings (inattention) and then be able to shift focus completely when needed (hyperfocus)?

I mean, that’s the issue, right? I walk in the door, a kid needs something, I give my full attention to the kid, and I forget where I leave my keys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again.

The IRS will not consider it a defense when you're charged penalties because you gave it to your ADHD spouse.

Does having ADHD ever get you out of anything? I've never seen it do anything except add greater scrutiny.

My adhd spouse wears people and customer service down by arguing for hours. It works once. Don’t work the second time you miss a deadline or forget or need an exception.

That’s what makes the marriage so difficult, it’s a repeat game and all he has on offer is mistakes followed by arguing that he’s right or too busy or was never told. Sigh.

I’m frankly surprised the guys at work don’t catch the on to his Blame Game. Now he’s senior enough that he can bully everyone around to fix mistakes that mysteriously happened.

Btdt, seen this movie before. Some maladaptive cope- argue with the person you let down and
blame others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat but mine is so loving, a great dad, and makes $7M/yr so I deal.

How can someone be barely functional, yet bring in $7M a year?

How? DCUM! That’s how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

Right? Isn’t that part of the theory for the existence of ADHD? That it was necessary for hunters to be hyper aware of their surroundings (inattention) and then be able to shift focus completely when needed (hyperfocus)?

I mean, that’s the issue, right? I walk in the door, a kid needs something, I give my full attention to the kid, and I forget where I leave my keys.

No that’s not hyperinterest. In fact shifting gears rarely happens with adhd or asd’ers. They stay fixated on their original thought while they drive off a cliff or their house is burning down or their kid is asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

Right? Isn’t that part of the theory for the existence of ADHD? That it was necessary for hunters to be hyper aware of their surroundings (inattention) and then be able to shift focus completely when needed (hyperfocus)?

I mean, that’s the issue, right? I walk in the door, a kid needs something, I give my full attention to the kid, and I forget where I leave my keys.

Yeah yeah, they are such good hunters they’d forget to put arrowheads on their arrows or go out at feeding time or pack a snack for the day. Oh well. I bet they’d forget to migrate too unless someone else told them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

I am sorry that you don’t feel you are appreciated enough. I hope you get to order yourself some nice flowers on secretaries day!