My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

Life is very dangerous these days and it's the ADHD people who take the jobs that make everything feel safe. Who becomes an air traffic controller even though its too stressful for most people and low paying? ADHD folks. Who takes those crap jobs as ambulance medics? ADHD.

As for nature not wiping out ADHD... do you think neurotypical people were the ones convincing others to leave Africa for the ice age northern lands?

Amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Nature wouldn't keep ADHD around in such numbers if it wasn't necessary for survival. The way all the irate divorced women talk about their "ADHD" husbands you would think those genes would have failed back in the hunter-gatherer days.

It didn’t. They use to trip on the train tracks or absentmindedly venture into the bear cave or forget to plant their crops on time and die out.

Now they just play on screens and have their mom or wifey accommodate them. If they manage to keep a hyper interest job long enough, they can pawn off their real work to underlying and secretaries.

Life is not very “dangerous” nowadays where one’s situational awareness and realtime thinking is required. Just driving does, and we all know how well they drie, speed, or pay attn there!

Life is very dangerous these days and it's the ADHD people who take the jobs that make everything feel safe. Who becomes an air traffic controller even though its too stressful for most people and low paying? ADHD folks. Who takes those crap jobs as ambulance medics? ADHD.

As for nature not wiping out ADHD... do you think neurotypical people were the ones convincing others to leave Africa for the ice age northern lands?

+1. ADHD make the best surgeons, crisis managers, etc. I don't know why it's treated as a disability when it's actually a huge advantage. Being NT is a disability.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

Except as ER Dr....

[Anonymous]

But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

Op - I don’t know!
Partly bc his field (journalism) is disappearing but also he has put no effort into a plan b. I am floored by how things have unfolded

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

It’s. The. Economy. Stupid.

[Anonymous]

Is he on meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

Except as ER Dr....

With a staff of 5+ other people and no planning needed. Whatever comes in the door last, do it.

Exactly how adhd/asd men manage their day. Last email they saw gets addressed, the rest get forgotten and dumped on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

Op - I don’t know!
Partly bc his field (journalism) is disappearing but also he has put no effort into a plan b. I am floored by how things have unfolded

He needs to be told what to do, when and how.

So find a place playbook easy job for him. Sure it could require training or a professor needs a PhD ideally, but every year or unit is the same as last year. Redundancy is key.

They only know what they know. They will not apply old knowledge to new situations. Thats when the floundering or shutdowns start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

It’s. The. Economy. Stupid.

I guarantee you this man could not hold on a job in a good economy either.

OP you need him to get a job (even short term) and I’m not joking. Otherwise you’re going to be on the hook for spousal support for this loser.

It’s so unsexy when men don’t contribute anything to the household. Deadweight is so unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

Op - I don’t know!
Partly bc his field (journalism) is disappearing but also he has put no effort into a plan b. I am floored by how things have unfolded

He needs to be told what to do, when and how.

So find a place playbook easy job for him. Sure it could require training or a professor needs a PhD ideally, but every year or unit is the same as last year. Redundancy is key.

They only know what they know. They will not apply old knowledge to new situations. Thats when the floundering or shutdowns start.

Sounds like these traits should have been apparent to OP before she married him? Guess the allure of a journalist roped her in? That is, unless ADHD's onset is marrying an unhappy woman.

[Anonymous]

Journalism the last 15 years just means blogging and tweeting.

Unless you’re at a think tank, it’s a joke.

So OPs dude better grab the bull by the horns and start generating a ton of clicks and content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

Op - I don’t know!
Partly bc his field (journalism) is disappearing but also he has put no effort into a plan b. I am floored by how things have unfolded

He needs to be told what to do, when and how.

So find a place playbook easy job for him. Sure it could require training or a professor needs a PhD ideally, but every year or unit is the same as last year. Redundancy is key.

They only know what they know. They will not apply old knowledge to new situations. Thats when the floundering or shutdowns start.

Sounds like these traits should have been apparent to OP before she married him? Guess the allure of a journalist roped her in? That is, unless ADHD's onset is marrying an unhappy woman.

Not if they met in school or entry jobs and easy peasy single life in an apartment with take out.

Can’t live like that forever, tho they certainly will try!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Journalism the last 15 years just means blogging and tweeting.

Unless you’re at a think tank, it’s a joke.

So OPs dude better grab the bull by the horns and start generating a ton of clicks and content.

Lol

Adhd dreamer boy. Gonna write something big. Some day.