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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I answered earlier but I’m also going to add my observation that for many of us, our parents never had to deal with what we are facing. Neither of my parents had to do elder care. They all died fairly young, rather suddenly in their 60s and 70s. My parents were in theirs 30s/earky 40s at the time. My mom didn’t work. By contrast I (and many of my friends) are engaged in longer term caregiving , not living near parents, parenting kids/teens and in tow working parent families (or single working parent families). At 83, my mom fortunately agreed to move to AL near me, for which  am deeply grateful, especially after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

People are living longer but not necessarily healthier lives, end of life care costs have spiraled, ltc coverage no longer worth it, it’s a real crisis.[/quote]

This is... simply not true. Families have always cared for elderly relatives. Usually relatives lived with them. Maybe people died earlier in past generations, but they didn't all just drop dead, they declined before dying just like many do today.

My MIL, who died at age 100 a few years ago, cared for her FIL (along with her 4 kids) when he moved in with them for a year before his death. My mother, now 80, remembers her grandmother with dementia living with her family when she was in middle school, which means my grandmother cared for 7 kids plus her demented mother for a time. [/quote]

Families have cared, but those end of life periods of extensive hands on care were very short.  For example, not having diapers available meant that infections and bed sores got one real fast.  I grew up in a third world country - once people became bed ridden, most of them didn’t last long.[/quote]

This is what the people who romanticize the good old days are missing. In filial piety cultures at least among those I knew, they took in the elder often when the elder could still be a major contributor to the family system-cooking meal, helping with childcare. The phase when they could not help was not nearly as long as it is now. Among those who were not from a culture where the elder lived there and helped, they sometimes took in family, but often it was not for a prolonged period.

In our case on both sides we had elders where we were independent from an early age as kids, knew not to expect help raising our own kids and then even while they were perfectly capable of doing things, they wanted to be catered to and lost their marbles at boundaries. As they slowly lost their ability to be independent (in some cases) they insisted on aging in place and having the world revolve around them as they became more hostile, self-centered and entitled. For my husband and I our fathers were easier to help-grateful for the time with us. That makes a difference. It is the entitled, selfish, abusive nuts who drain the life out of you, barely raised you, rarely if ever helped you and are just stomping their feet demanding you upend your life for them.

My MIL would see the romanticize how much better the family was down the street. We were friends with the adult daughter and her husband. The grandma was a built in nanny, allowed them to travel without kids for both work and leisure, cooked amazing meals and cleaned the house without them asking or expecting it. That woman did more than paid live in help and they felt terrible, but she insisted. MIL could not fathom it was not everyone serving the grandma while she sits and watches soap operas and eats lobster. [/quote]

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