I feel like I won the parenting wars

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have twins who also made it into elite universities (freshmen at Ivies) after some reasonably heavy and involved parenting and a lot of ups and downs in high school: lack of motivation from time-to-time, anxiety, ADHD for one, some drinking (no vaping). Basically super involved parents and some good, bad and ugly of teenage life.

I remember the relief of thinking "huh, we did it" but I'm hear to report that it all still continues in college: mood disorders, struggles with self-motivation (not with academics so far but in developing passions/interests), drinking, etc. Sure they "made it" but in 2025, ATTENDING AN IVY is really not all that in and of itself. It's probably a good launching point but the rat race only continues on. For good internships, jobs, graduate schools the kids all need the top college grades, top clubs, top everything and a whole lot of self motivation and organization.

Relax, catch your breath and start crossing your fingers and praying. That's what I'm doing. I can't manage from afar so I hope it all works out.

Yeah, I think we're where you were when you thought, "huh, we did it." Yes, LOTS of heavy parenting to get him into top school and I realize the race continues. Celebrating the last 6 months of senior year and summer.

In a way, drinking too much that first time and ending up in the hospital (that was us as parents overreacting) wasn't the worst thing. It opened up the discussion around drinking. Allowed us to set strict rules for senior year (no drinking, no vaping - with drug tests and checks). So I'm hoping it will help with what we all know can be a rough entry to college life.

Holy crap, no drinking, no vaping with drug tests and checks? Are you going to get an apartment near his college so you can keep tabs?

You have not won parenting.

I have a kid with anxiety and ADHD that has had lots of struggles that we worked through with her. She is in at a top 10 ED.

She had a drinking event in 10th grade. We talked it through (mostly focused on safety not judgment) and are a bit lucky that she did not enjoy it. We also worked a lot on therapy, (executive functioning and for the anxiety).

I feel lucky that she and we were able to do the hard emotional work so that she does not feel the need to self medicate.

My DD knows that she cannot do any kind of substance and drive, she knows the rules if she chooses to drink or otherwise partake of substances, including staying with friend and keeping her own drinks close. We trust her, she trusts us.

If you managed to eek out a good college acceptance and your student is not mature enough to live without close supervision I think it is time for some self reflection, not patting yourself t he back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ED admission means you are rich enough to buy a much easier admit to schools.

Yes, I'm glad this parent is exited for their kid as they should be. But, I would hold back the boasting a tad.

[Anonymous]

A college admit is not winning at parenting. It’s winning at the game of college admissions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, personally, would be worried. If you have to drag your kid over the finish line that may not bode well for that first year of college.

This. If you encouraged and supported but the drive came primarily from the kid, no excessive pushing and no tutoring needed for the AP classes, then OP's kid will be ok. IF the kid got there by being helicoptered and tutored well beyond their natural ability and drive, the ivy will suck the life out of them. Ivies are full of self disciplined highly organized students who are the top 1% intelligence, with fast processing skills in addition to self confidence and advocacy skills.Those who come in without all or at least most of those skills adapt fast to the peer group and can succeed there. The bottom third are the ones who did not have those skills when they got in; they struggle.

-parent of two kids at ivies, got themselves there unhooked and rose to the top easily over the less capable

[Anonymous]

I have two kids in college. One at a T10 and one not at a Top 75. I love them both dearly and they both have different wonderful attributes that I strongly hope will make them successful in life. All which have nothing to do with where they are going to college. So, my question is to the OP...did I win at parenting for my T10 and lose at parenting with my not Top 75? Let me answer that for you, not even close.

[Anonymous]

The title says a lot about you, op. It's not a parenting war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, personally, would be worried. If you have to drag your kid over the finish line that may not bode well for that first year of college.

This. If you encouraged and supported but the drive came primarily from the kid, no excessive pushing and no tutoring needed for the AP classes, then OP's kid will be ok. IF the kid got there by being helicoptered and tutored well beyond their natural ability and drive, the ivy will suck the life out of them. Ivies are full of self disciplined highly organized students who are the top 1% intelligence, with fast processing skills in addition to self confidence and advocacy skills.Those who come in without all or at least most of those skills adapt fast to the peer group and can succeed there. The bottom third are the ones who did not have those skills when they got in; they struggle.

-parent of two kids at ivies, got themselves there unhooked and rose to the top easily over the less capable

Were their Ivy classmates less capable or less prepared? There’s a difference. If someone came from a less advantaged background, it’s not fair for anyone to be smug or judge. People can struggle during different phases of their lives, sometimes through no fault of their own.

[Anonymous]

Yikes...your kid is going to go off the rails in college. The path is already set with your response to drinking and vaping.

I'm sorry op. It's going to be a tough ride for you. Try to love your kid anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like I won the parenting wars"

I don't get this. War against whom?

Yeah, why is it wars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems fake and designed to elicit outrage.

It's not fake. Definitely not trying to elicit outrage. The process to get one's child successfully through high school and into the best university where they will have the most opportunities lasts for years. I imagine many parents feel this way when their child is accepted to elite schools. It is a marker of a certain level of accomplishment. Especially if there were bumps along the way. Why would this post elicit outrage?

Because your kid seems kind of f**ked up and it appears you helicoptered him to a top 10 school.

Most people reading your post (especially someone like me with an adjusted kid at a top 10 school) don’t see your kid having a great experience.

You should be far more concerned about kids mental health than the fact that kid got into an elite school. It does not seem like you are or, to the extent you are, you are thinking opportunities and respurces provided by an elite school are best for his mental health issues. 9 times out of 10, that is not the case.

This.

I was this kid. 1 trip to the hospital in HS for alcohol poisoning. Multiple times throwing up in front of my parents after drinking too much. But they thought it was all ok because I was getting good grades still and doing my sport. They said “no more drinking”, I said ok, and they believed me as if they never heard of alcoholism.

Fast forward to college and there was another - worse - trip to the hospital and an overnight in jail. That’s what finally made me realize no one else was going to care about me - I needed to get my shit together myself.

BUT college isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. His mental health issues are not gone, they’re there under the surface. You need to be tuned in more than ever and make sure he has the right supports where he will be.

I think this is the problem with the younger generations. Parents have taught their kids that getting into college is the end game. It is not. It’s just the beginning.

That I believe is a generational gap. It used to work that way for white-collar jobs, especially for mc families. The landscape is changing.

[Anonymous]

Some thoughts are better kept inside. Please learn humility. No one cares about what you think you've won as a parent. Its a bad look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have twins who also made it into elite universities (freshmen at Ivies) after some reasonably heavy and involved parenting and a lot of ups and downs in high school: lack of motivation from time-to-time, anxiety, ADHD for one, some drinking (no vaping). Basically super involved parents and some good, bad and ugly of teenage life.

I remember the relief of thinking "huh, we did it" but I'm hear to report that it all still continues in college: mood disorders, struggles with self-motivation (not with academics so far but in developing passions/interests), drinking, etc. Sure they "made it" but in 2025, ATTENDING AN IVY is really not all that in and of itself. It's probably a good launching point but the rat race only continues on. For good internships, jobs, graduate schools the kids all need the top college grades, top clubs, top everything and a whole lot of self motivation and organization.

Relax, catch your breath and start crossing your fingers and praying. That's what I'm doing. I can't manage from afar so I hope it all works out.

Yeah, I think we're where you were when you thought, "huh, we did it." Yes, LOTS of heavy parenting to get him into top school and I realize the race continues. Celebrating the last 6 months of senior year and summer.

In a way, drinking too much that first time and ending up in the hospital (that was us as parents overreacting) wasn't the worst thing. It opened up the discussion around drinking. Allowed us to set strict rules for senior year (no drinking, no vaping - with drug tests and checks). So I'm hoping it will help with what we all know can be a rough entry to college life.

Holy crap, no drinking, no vaping with drug tests and checks? Are you going to get an apartment near his college so you can keep tabs?

You have not won parenting.

I have a kid with anxiety and ADHD that has had lots of struggles that we worked through with her. She is in at a top 10 ED.

She had a drinking event in 10th grade. We talked it through (mostly focused on safety not judgment) and are a bit lucky that she did not enjoy it. We also worked a lot on therapy, (executive functioning and for the anxiety).

I feel lucky that she and we were able to do the hard emotional work so that she does not feel the need to self medicate.

My DD knows that she cannot do any kind of substance and drive, she knows the rules if she chooses to drink or otherwise partake of substances, including staying with friend and keeping her own drinks close. We trust her, she trusts us.

If you managed to eek out a good college acceptance and your student is not mature enough to live without close supervision I think it is time for some self reflection, not patting yourself t he back.

And who says top 10 admits are la crème de la crème?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids in college. One at a T10 and one not at a Top 75. I love them both dearly and they both have different wonderful attributes that I strongly hope will make them successful in life. All which have nothing to do with where they are going to college. So, my question is to the OP...did I win at parenting for my T10 and lose at parenting with my not Top 75? Let me answer that for you, not even close.

I just read through this thread with interest, and this post stuck out to me most of all.

Like this poster, I have two children. They are twins. One is at an Ivy, one is at a mid-tier state school, OOS. The latter had a lot of difficulty through high school (ADHD, anxiety, etc.) and continues to struggle in college, but is passing at least. Both played sports, and both engaged in teenage shenanigans during high school but not at a scary level, that we're aware of at least (and we did keep pretty good tabs on things).

Am I a good parent? Am I a bad parent? From a parenting wars perspective, I can't tell.

OP, congrats to your kid. It's a great accomplishment and no one should detract from that. But, your post is...one that is most likely to be written by the parent of an only child. The lottery metaphor is very apt here. Enjoy the moment, but within your own family. Do NOT convey, in any way, to other that the result is because of your parenting. It can be downright hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP’s feelings—and congratulations—but I also want to say that I don’t want to be judged by my children’s college choices. I care far more about their health and overall happiness.

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread sums up the reason for the college admissions madness. In many places, an elite college acceptance has become a parenting trophy. College acceptance is not the finish line and that glow fades fast. It’s just the beginning.