Fear of SA with men in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

OP absolutley ignore this message. The person who wrote it is hateful and just wants to hurt you. There are a lot of sincere responses, focus on those. Anyone telling you you don't sound mentally fit is making a crazy unwarranted judgement on you. OP you actually sound incredibly rational, thoughtful, careful and aware that your past traumas may be coloring your view on this in an unproductive way. And you sound like you care deeply about providing the healthiest upbringing for your child. You're on the right path, keep working on all of this and don't let anyone make you think you're crazy. You're incredibly sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get uncomfortable if she follows him in his room but make up and excuse to grab her.

He's always trying to get her to go to him when shes happy with me or grandma.

This should make the situation quite clear. OP is doing exactly what she accuses him of doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SA victims become SA perpetrators, so grandpa is the wrong person to be focusing on here.

Is that as true for women as it is men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To the poster who unfortunately had the experience come true - what if any behaviors did you notice?

That was me. The biggest red flags were noticing the abuser crossed every single boundary we set, whether involving our children or not. My kids also wouldn’t take a bath at their home, were scared to show fear or pain in front of them, and didn’t want to be left alone (or let a sibling be alone) with them.

Of course most grandparents are wonderful, but I think it’s so important to trust your gut and tune into your children’s cues. I’m sorry you were abused yourself and that people on this thread are giving you a hard time, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

This, all of this, X1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

Unfortunately this. People with multiple traumas are irreparably changed. All the therapy in the world will never repair that. Taking that out on a child is inexcusable. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

It's astounding what kind of falsehoods and garbage people will post as "fact". You clearly don't know how many literally millions of people every day who've been through multiple traumas present as "normal" and are actually sane even though every day may be a struggle to stay that way. But they actually are and work like crazy to protect their kids and loved ones. Calling being vigilant and protective of one's child "taking that out on a child" is twisted and false. And whether you really mean it or not you are clearly going through your own issues and I feel for any children in your life that you gaslight and tell them that they're imagining things when they are trying to trust their gut in a rational way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SA victims become SA perpetrators, so grandpa is the wrong person to be focusing on here.

Well aside from the total MISinformation that SA victims become SA perps (there are probably hundreds of people just on DCUM who can tell you to go F yourself because they survived and have never victimized anyone else so F off). But aside from the abundance of actual evidence and studies that prove you're making up what you say, it's fascinating that apparently you know OP and her family! Because you know with certainty that the grandfather was never a victim of SA which is why, by your wrong theory, he can't be a perp. Please, do tell, or better yet, link to your sources that tell you that Grandpa has never ever been a victim of SA. You say this definitively, prove it!

We'll wait :popcorn:

[Anonymous]

Something very real that you can do OP, is as you teach your daughter to talk, teach her the real names of her body and private parts. And the names of boys private parts. When kids only have cutest names for their private parts it can be very hard to determine if something bad has happened. Teach her the real words so that she can explain clearly if something happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

Somewhat agree. I only let men hold my girls when I was right beside them.

And completely agree that it’s underreported. Every woman in my generation in my family on my mom’s side was fondled or assaulted by uncles, brothers, grandfather. We are all hyper vigilant mothers. And I’m pretty sure an uncle on my dad’s side faced criminal charges.

Your family should not be reproducing. The pedo genes should have died off.

One thing that's fascinating about PP's like this is, apparently they don't believe in karma. But karma believes in them. Posting hate like this shows they're already miserable and don't have healthy fulfilling relationships in rea life, so I guess in many ways karma is already sending their toxic stuff back to them. But when you continue to be toxic, the karma just keeps adding up. Best not to even take posts like this as a real response and instead to just see it for what it is: sad people who feel they need to make others feel bad to get through their days. But that's also karma believing in PPs like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something very real that you can do OP, is as you teach your daughter to talk, teach her the real names of her body and private parts. And the names of boys private parts. When kids only have cutest names for their private parts it can be very hard to determine if something bad has happened. Teach her the real words so that she can explain clearly if something happens.

Very good advice. Many studies of jailed perps shows that perps admit to looking for children (and adults) who don't have real language for body parts or show immediate discomfort in talking about those body parts, like they know no one is supposed to talk about them; makes perps think they will freeze and never tell anyone about SA because they already feel too afraid to name it or their family hasn't taught them real words for it and they feel their family would be upset if they named it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

OP absolutley ignore this message. The person who wrote it is hateful and just wants to hurt you. There are a lot of sincere responses, focus on those. Anyone telling you you don't sound mentally fit is making a crazy unwarranted judgement on you. OP you actually sound incredibly rational, thoughtful, careful and aware that your past traumas may be coloring your view on this in an unproductive way. And you sound like you care deeply about providing the healthiest upbringing for your child. You're on the right path, keep working on all of this and don't let anyone make you think you're crazy. You're incredibly sane.

You sound unhinged.

No, OP is not "incredibly sane."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

OP absolutley ignore this message. The person who wrote it is hateful and just wants to hurt you. There are a lot of sincere responses, focus on those. Anyone telling you you don't sound mentally fit is making a crazy unwarranted judgement on you. OP you actually sound incredibly rational, thoughtful, careful and aware that your past traumas may be coloring your view on this in an unproductive way. And you sound like you care deeply about providing the healthiest upbringing for your child. You're on the right path, keep working on all of this and don't let anyone make you think you're crazy. You're incredibly sane.

You sound unhinged.

No, OP is not "incredibly sane."

I love that your hateful BS can't actually change what is true in real life. OP is not only sane, but doing the right things for her child and herself in trying to figure this out. And I love that no matter how much you write nasty misguided factually incorrect messages, it can't and won't change that OP is doing the right thing. I'm sure you'll carry on but OP already has good instincts, so hopefully she sees through you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

Unfortunately this. People with multiple traumas are irreparably changed. All the therapy in the world will never repair that. Taking that out on a child is inexcusable. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

It's astounding what kind of falsehoods and garbage people will post as "fact". You clearly don't know how many literally millions of people every day who've been through multiple traumas present as "normal" and are actually sane even though every day may be a struggle to stay that way. But they actually are and work like crazy to protect their kids and loved ones. Calling being vigilant and protective of one's child "taking that out on a child" is twisted and false. And whether you really mean it or not you are clearly going through your own issues and I feel for any children in your life that you gaslight and tell them that they're imagining things when they are trying to trust their gut in a rational way.

I get that it touched a nerve. But you validated the point so thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

+my freshman year college roommate was raised by a mom who wouldn’t even leave her alone near her grandfather or uncles. She got to college and basically went crazy - didn’t even know how to have a normal/professional relationship with male professors or employers. She’s been a bit of a mess ever since, and a lot can be traced back to this. Her sister went to a lot of therapy and has been successful and happy, but my roommate, not so much. Please don’t pass this trauma on to your dd

[Anonymous]

OP is totally unhinged. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

Somewhat agree. I only let men hold my girls when I was right beside them.

And completely agree that it’s underreported. Every woman in my generation in my family on my mom’s side was fondled or assaulted by uncles, brothers, grandfather. We are all hyper vigilant mothers. And I’m pretty sure an uncle on my dad’s side faced criminal charges.

Your family should not be reproducing. The pedo genes should have died off.

One thing that's fascinating about PP's like this is, apparently they don't believe in karma. But karma believes in them. Posting hate like this shows they're already miserable and don't have healthy fulfilling relationships in rea life, so I guess in many ways karma is already sending their toxic stuff back to them. But when you continue to be toxic, the karma just keeps adding up. Best not to even take posts like this as a real response and instead to just see it for what it is: sad people who feel they need to make others feel bad to get through their days. But that's also karma believing in PPs like this.

You’re on quite the posting rampage. Time for your meds.