Fear of SA with men in the family

[Anonymous]

Seek therapy OP. Don’t burden your children with your fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

I agree. The way this poster described the physical interaction with the grandchild? Creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

I agree. The way this poster described the physical interaction with the grandchild? Creepy.

Because she thinks any touch is creepy. OP needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP needs therapy but also needs to stay vigilant about her daughter's safety.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think your friends with young daughters should be wary of your DH?

[Anonymous]

Not leaving your daughter alone with her grandparents is a more manageable choice than suspecting him of molesting her in a room full of people while playing pony girl.

I would focus on therapy on doing the work to be more comfortable with normal interactions with you present and not worry about no overnights or babysitting. Those are optional extras but it does seem important for your mental health and your daughters well being to be more comfortable when you are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

I don’t have a husband, or a daughter. In the unlikely event I were to get a husband at this stage of life, knowing what I do now about the capacity for monstrosity lurking behind the masks of many men, I would absolutely never 100% trust him. Sorry, not sorry.

More men than not are capable of monstrosity under the right circumstances. I blame testosterone and our misogynistic and patriarchal culture, and I suspect that down the road when we have done more neuroscience studies we will find differences in their brains that provide some explanations for it. They are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime in this world and they are by far the biggest homicidal killers of women and each other. It would take pages and pages for me to detail all the cases I know of where a very nice guy, respected and loved by his family and community, killed his partner or spouse because life insurance or piece on the side or looming divorce and desire not to lose half the assets never mind the children really love their mom. Yes I know some (FAR fewer) women are violent and manipulative in these ways - but there is no denying the staggering difference of degrees.

I am also acutely aware of the power of denial that can be summoned in the human brain. I have sat in a courtroom and watched an entire family supporting a beloved grandpa whose DNA somehow was found in the panties of his 5 year old granddaughter and yet the family refused to believe the reality staring them in the face. I have seen a mother who protected her child be ostracized and vilified by siblings and parents and aunts and uncles who chose denial over science. That is one case, but I have seen many more.

Families are lovely. They are also a kind of sickness in far too many cases.

Do you think your professional experience may have influenced your view that most men are capable of monstrosity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not leaving your daughter alone with her grandparents is a more manageable choice than suspecting him of molesting her in a room full of people while playing pony girl.

I would focus on therapy on doing the work to be more comfortable with normal interactions with you present and not worry about no overnights or babysitting. Those are optional extras but it does seem important for your mental health and your daughters well being to be more comfortable when you are there.

You might be surprised then to learn that there is a subset of child molesters who are compelled to molest children in the presence of other people, it heightens the risk and thus the reward in their warped minds.

Men who get a thrill from putting their fingers inside the vaginas of little girls in the presence of their parents.

You think I’m crazy? Ever heard of Larry Nasser? Many of the gymnasts he molested were on exam tables in rooms with their moms when he was fingering them, unbeknownst to the mothers. Look it up. There is also abundant literature in the psychology of paraphilia detailing this particular sick kink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

I don’t have a husband, or a daughter. In the unlikely event I were to get a husband at this stage of life, knowing what I do now about the capacity for monstrosity lurking behind the masks of many men, I would absolutely never 100% trust him. Sorry, not sorry.

More men than not are capable of monstrosity under the right circumstances. I blame testosterone and our misogynistic and patriarchal culture, and I suspect that down the road when we have done more neuroscience studies we will find differences in their brains that provide some explanations for it. They are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime in this world and they are by far the biggest homicidal killers of women and each other. It would take pages and pages for me to detail all the cases I know of where a very nice guy, respected and loved by his family and community, killed his partner or spouse because life insurance or piece on the side or looming divorce and desire not to lose half the assets never mind the children really love their mom. Yes I know some (FAR fewer) women are violent and manipulative in these ways - but there is no denying the staggering difference of degrees.

I am also acutely aware of the power of denial that can be summoned in the human brain. I have sat in a courtroom and watched an entire family supporting a beloved grandpa whose DNA somehow was found in the panties of his 5 year old granddaughter and yet the family refused to believe the reality staring them in the face. I have seen a mother who protected her child be ostracized and vilified by siblings and parents and aunts and uncles who chose denial over science. That is one case, but I have seen many more.

Families are lovely. They are also a kind of sickness in far too many cases.

Do you think your professional experience may have influenced your view that most men are capable of monstrosity?

I knew the capacity for monstrosity in men was pretty high by the time I was a teenager, I didn’t need to wait until two decades later when I became a prosecutor to learn that.

Anyone observing the world around us knows this. The statistics on crime are not a state secret. Those of you brushing this off have your heads buried in sand. Or maybe it’s something else that has you firmly planted in denial.

Some of you spend a lot of time on these boards talking about your kids and their plans for college. Have you given much thought to the epidemic of SA on college campuses? Not your son, right? Except it’s always somebody’s son, and if it is epidemic, then a great many young men are capable of monstrosity. I recommend you watch The Hunting Ground and get back to me about how most young men are really lovely and would never.

[Anonymous]

You should never marry someone you know you could never 100% trust because they are male. It is not fair to that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

I don’t have a husband, or a daughter. In the unlikely event I were to get a husband at this stage of life, knowing what I do now about the capacity for monstrosity lurking behind the masks of many men, I would absolutely never 100% trust him. Sorry, not sorry.

More men than not are capable of monstrosity under the right circumstances. I blame testosterone and our misogynistic and patriarchal culture, and I suspect that down the road when we have done more neuroscience studies we will find differences in their brains that provide some explanations for it. They are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime in this world and they are by far the biggest homicidal killers of women and each other. It would take pages and pages for me to detail all the cases I know of where a very nice guy, respected and loved by his family and community, killed his partner or spouse because life insurance or piece on the side or looming divorce and desire not to lose half the assets never mind the children really love their mom. Yes I know some (FAR fewer) women are violent and manipulative in these ways - but there is no denying the staggering difference of degrees.

I am also acutely aware of the power of denial that can be summoned in the human brain. I have sat in a courtroom and watched an entire family supporting a beloved grandpa whose DNA somehow was found in the panties of his 5 year old granddaughter and yet the family refused to believe the reality staring them in the face. I have seen a mother who protected her child be ostracized and vilified by siblings and parents and aunts and uncles who chose denial over science. That is one case, but I have seen many more.

Families are lovely. They are also a kind of sickness in far too many cases.

Do you think your professional experience may have influenced your view that most men are capable of monstrosity?

I knew the capacity for monstrosity in men was pretty high by the time I was a teenager, I didn’t need to wait until two decades later when I became a prosecutor to learn that.

Anyone observing the world around us knows this. The statistics on crime are not a state secret. Those of you brushing this off have your heads buried in sand. Or maybe it’s something else that has you firmly planted in denial.

Some of you spend a lot of time on these boards talking about your kids and their plans for college. Have you given much thought to the epidemic of SA on college campuses? Not your son, right? Except it’s always somebody’s son, and if it is epidemic, then a great many young men are capable of monstrosity. I recommend you watch The Hunting Ground and get back to me about how most young men are really lovely and would never.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

No one thinks all men are predators, but get real. There are lots of bad people out there, and some that you know. Maybe they’re men, maybe they’re women. There’s no harm in being aware and vigilant, but there is harm in acting like this is all a farce.

Many people on this thread have posted that they basically suspect their entire male family of pedophilia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

I don’t have a husband, or a daughter. In the unlikely event I were to get a husband at this stage of life, knowing what I do now about the capacity for monstrosity lurking behind the masks of many men, I would absolutely never 100% trust him. Sorry, not sorry.

More men than not are capable of monstrosity under the right circumstances. I blame testosterone and our misogynistic and patriarchal culture, and I suspect that down the road when we have done more neuroscience studies we will find differences in their brains that provide some explanations for it. They are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime in this world and they are by far the biggest homicidal killers of women and each other. It would take pages and pages for me to detail all the cases I know of where a very nice guy, respected and loved by his family and community, killed his partner or spouse because life insurance or piece on the side or looming divorce and desire not to lose half the assets never mind the children really love their mom. Yes I know some (FAR fewer) women are violent and manipulative in these ways - but there is no denying the staggering difference of degrees.

I am also acutely aware of the power of denial that can be summoned in the human brain. I have sat in a courtroom and watched an entire family supporting a beloved grandpa whose DNA somehow was found in the panties of his 5 year old granddaughter and yet the family refused to believe the reality staring them in the face. I have seen a mother who protected her child be ostracized and vilified by siblings and parents and aunts and uncles who chose denial over science. That is one case, but I have seen many more.

Families are lovely. They are also a kind of sickness in far too many cases.

If you truly feel this way, you should never marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should never marry someone you know you could never 100% trust because they are male. It is not fair to that person.

Oh please don’t think I’m sexist. There isn’t a female on this earth I would 100% trust either - not since my grandmother died, anyway.

I think it’s naive to trust anyone 100%, unquestioning. The many, many, many threads detailing betrayals by husbands AND wives on this board alone seems rather to support my position.

Trust - but verify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not leaving your daughter alone with her grandparents is a more manageable choice than suspecting him of molesting her in a room full of people while playing pony girl.

I would focus on therapy on doing the work to be more comfortable with normal interactions with you present and not worry about no overnights or babysitting. Those are optional extras but it does seem important for your mental health and your daughters well being to be more comfortable when you are there.

You might be surprised then to learn that there is a subset of child molesters who are compelled to molest children in the presence of other people, it heightens the risk and thus the reward in their warped minds.

Men who get a thrill from putting their fingers inside the vaginas of little girls in the presence of their parents.

You think I’m crazy? Ever heard of Larry Nasser? Many of the gymnasts he molested were on exam tables in rooms with their moms when he was fingering them, unbeknownst to the mothers. Look it up. There is also abundant literature in the psychology of paraphilia detailing this particular sick kink.

I am aware of that and was careful not to say it was 100% impossible. But it is unlikely and op seems to realize that her anxiety (abt fil’s behavior in front of her, not risk of sa generally) is not tethered to actual public wrongdoing but instead to her very understandable hypervigilance.

Yes, it’s possible he would do such a terrible thing publicly but since op can’t stay alone w her daughter never interacting w anyone it does seem like it would be helpful for her to gain more comfort being around family w her daughter (while accompanied by op.)