Fear of SA with men in the family

[Anonymous]

Some very naive people in this thread, who apparently aren’t aware of the documented stats on how many children get sexually abused in childhood, nor the accepted data that suggest reports of SA are vastly lower than the reality of occurrence.

Anyone who has worked in law enforcement or social work in any capacity is far more realistic about the dangers lurking in the world, and potentially under one’s own roof. Most kids who get molested are preyed on by a male family member, or close family friend, or adult in a trusted capacity - scout leader, teacher, pastor, coach, etc.

Asserting that the vast majority of men are great is supremely naive. It’s like you aren’t paying attention to the world around you. Probably won’t listen when your molested kid tries to tell you about being molested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

By not getting molested, is the idea, I suppose. This behavior would read groomer if it were a neighbor or something, but it's normal innocent grandparent behavior. And yet lots of people are molested by grandparents. So. I don't know. OP comes off both entirely reasonable and insane to me!

Same poster and I guess, maybe the answer is the same whether he's dangerous or not. Be an involved, attentive, trustworthy parent. It makes it much less likely an abuser would do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

Thank you. I appreciate the input and your experience. This is so heavy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP does your spouse know about your being abused? Does anyone in your spouse's family?
Or is it a secret?

Yes my husband knows and understands. My sil knows and understands. My in laws no very very vague and basic things about me. But they know I'm not comfortable leaving baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

This is what I want to be careful of. And why I sit in my anxiety. When I felt that pang with our friend it passed and I didn't intervene or stop her from playing and having a relationship with that friend. Same with my fil but it's really hard to watch and feel this way. I want her to be safe and I want to protect her without passing my trauma to her but I also know and feel like danger lurks. She has a lovely relationship with her dad too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

By not getting molested, is the idea, I suppose. This behavior would read groomer if it were a neighbor or something, but it's normal innocent grandparent behavior. And yet lots of people are molested by grandparents. So. I don't know. OP comes off both entirely reasonable and insane to me!

TBH that's how I feel about myself! Like I'm insane but also I know the statistics and I know it's rarely the creepy man in the ice cream truck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

By not getting molested, is the idea, I suppose. This behavior would read groomer if it were a neighbor or something, but it's normal innocent grandparent behavior. And yet lots of people are molested by grandparents. So. I don't know. OP comes off both entirely reasonable and insane to me!

TBH that's how I feel about myself! Like I'm insane but also I know the statistics and I know it's rarely the creepy man in the ice cream truck

But if you know the statistics, you should also know it’s more common for the abuser to be mom’s boyfriend or the child’s step dad, or a male relative by marriage (not by birth), like an uncle who married in. Or someone like a babysitter or a male relative of said babysitter. I’m not saying it’s never grandpa or whatever. But if your husband and your SIL vouch for him and don’t think he’s creepy, isn’t that a good thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

If the bar is so low that you had to LEARN to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not, then that should tell you everything.

[Anonymous]

Trust your instinct i am a victim and understand you 100%.

Never leave your baby alone with family or friends if you're uncomfortable. They can see your child when you're there.

No explanation is needed.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely trust your instincts. My children were sexually abused by a grandparent (my in law) who I was wary of, and I wish I could go back in time and stop the interactions when I felt uncomfortable.

Most people won’t understand and will think you’re overprotective or hyper vigilant, but I’d take that 1000x over feeling like my trying to be relaxed is the reason my children were abused.

That said, I do recommend you seek therapy from someone who specializes in SA. If nothing else, it’s helpful to have an objective third party weigh in to help me understand when I’m being reasonable vs overprotective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP does your spouse know about your being abused? Does anyone in your spouse's family?
Or is it a secret?

Yes my husband knows and understands. My sil knows and understands. My in laws no very very vague and basic things about me. But they know I'm not comfortable leaving baby

So does your husband know you don't want to leave the baby alone with his parents especially not his father? Is he ok with that? If so, that's a wrap. Let him deal with them if they want to babysit.

Is SIL a brother's wife? Or husband's sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

No one thinks all men are predators, but get real. There are lots of bad people out there, and some that you know. Maybe they’re men, maybe they’re women. There’s no harm in being aware and vigilant, but there is harm in acting like this is all a farce.

[Anonymous]

It's not clear in your message whether your SIL is your H's sister or your sibling's spouse.

If it is your H's sister, and she knows your issues, ask her whether there were any rumors about sexual abuse by any male members of the family. You might say truthfully that the hands on approach of your FIL makes you a bit nervous and you don't know that's because of your own issues or whether your Spidey sense is right.

If your H doesn't have a sister or one who doesn't know your issues, then have a conversation with your H as to whether any of his female relatives avoid his dad. If he had sisters or female cousins who avoid his dad at family events, that may be a clue.

He's probably just a doting grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

If you really believe that most men are predators, you have to admit that fathers are the most likely candidate. So you should probably bar your husband from touching your daughter. Ever.

I don’t have a husband, or a daughter. In the unlikely event I were to get a husband at this stage of life, knowing what I do now about the capacity for monstrosity lurking behind the masks of many men, I would absolutely never 100% trust him. Sorry, not sorry.

More men than not are capable of monstrosity under the right circumstances. I blame testosterone and our misogynistic and patriarchal culture, and I suspect that down the road when we have done more neuroscience studies we will find differences in their brains that provide some explanations for it. They are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime in this world and they are by far the biggest homicidal killers of women and each other. It would take pages and pages for me to detail all the cases I know of where a very nice guy, respected and loved by his family and community, killed his partner or spouse because life insurance or piece on the side or looming divorce and desire not to lose half the assets never mind the children really love their mom. Yes I know some (FAR fewer) women are violent and manipulative in these ways - but there is no denying the staggering difference of degrees.

I am also acutely aware of the power of denial that can be summoned in the human brain. I have sat in a courtroom and watched an entire family supporting a beloved grandpa whose DNA somehow was found in the panties of his 5 year old granddaughter and yet the family refused to believe the reality staring them in the face. I have seen a mother who protected her child be ostracized and vilified by siblings and parents and aunts and uncles who chose denial over science. That is one case, but I have seen many more.

Families are lovely. They are also a kind of sickness in far too many cases.