Fear of SA with men in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of what you described is completely normal interaction between a grandfather and a 15 month old. By all means, you’re within your rights never to let him touch her if you want. Therapy will be a more effective way of managing your anxieties, however.

All of this. I’m really sad for everyone in this thread who is reacting with such fear and paranoia. They will never live normal lives. They are profoundly damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

X100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

YOU are a POS who shouldn’t have children, spouse, friends, ANYONE. And you should STFU and stay off this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To the poster who unfortunately had the experience come true - what if any behaviors did you notice?

That was me. The biggest red flags were noticing the abuser crossed every single boundary we set, whether involving our children or not. My kids also wouldn’t take a bath at their home, were scared to show fear or pain in front of them, and didn’t want to be left alone (or let a sibling be alone) with them.

Of course most grandparents are wonderful, but I think it’s so important to trust your gut and tune into your children’s cues. I’m sorry you were abused yourself and that people on this thread are giving you a hard time, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

[Anonymous]

If my FIL came out with his shirt off (unless we were at the pool/beach etc) I'd have a weird feeling and definitely if he picked up my toddler for no good reason, clothed or not... not saying it's creepy behavior but as someone who wasn't molested I mostly agree with everything you've said, OP. I don't fully trust any of my male family members purely based on statistics but I don't trust male teachers or men who choose to work with children either. I wish it was different but as a former teacher myself I don't trust men generally with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

Unfortunately this. People with multiple traumas are irreparably changed. All the therapy in the world will never repair that. Taking that out on a child is inexcusable. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

YOU are a POS who shouldn’t have children, spouse, friends, ANYONE. And you should STFU and stay off this board.

Go away. PP is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

Unfortunately this. People with multiple traumas are irreparably changed. All the therapy in the world will never repair that. Taking that out on a child is inexcusable. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

That's why she's trying to be vigilant about it not happening to her own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not leaving your daughter alone with her grandparents is a more manageable choice than suspecting him of molesting her in a room full of people while playing pony girl.

I would focus on therapy on doing the work to be more comfortable with normal interactions with you present and not worry about no overnights or babysitting. Those are optional extras but it does seem important for your mental health and your daughters well being to be more comfortable when you are there.

You might be surprised then to learn that there is a subset of child molesters who are compelled to molest children in the presence of other people, it heightens the risk and thus the reward in their warped minds.

Men who get a thrill from putting their fingers inside the vaginas of little girls in the presence of their parents.

You think I’m crazy? Ever heard of Larry Nasser? Many of the gymnasts he molested were on exam tables in rooms with their moms when he was fingering them, unbeknownst to the mothers. Look it up. There is also abundant literature in the psychology of paraphilia detailing this particular sick kink.

Yes. They also know they might have a better chance of getting away with it, because kids assume it's approved or nothings wrong if it's right in front of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have children, OP?

You don't sound mentally fit for it.

What kind of childhood will she have with you being hysterical all the time.

Many marriages end in divorce. How will you cope with that? Your child will be gone half the time.

+1
Also where is your husband?
What are his thoughts? That had to be a lot for him.

Was any of your issues discussed while dating/engaged/prior to having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my FIL came out with his shirt off (unless we were at the pool/beach etc) I'd have a weird feeling and definitely if he picked up my toddler for no good reason, clothed or not... not saying it's creepy behavior but as someone who wasn't molested I mostly agree with everything you've said, OP. I don't fully trust any of my male family members purely based on statistics but I don't trust male teachers or men who choose to work with children either. I wish it was different but as a former teacher myself I don't trust men generally with children.

Yeah this is just weird AF.

And OP, what do you mean that another friend was playing doctor?

[Anonymous]

If your instincts are going off just with your FIL, don’t ignore them. Don’t leave her alone with him. He might be a doting grandpa or a creep. Time will tell but don’t let your kid be the guinea pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

Somewhat agree. I only let men hold my girls when I was right beside them.

And completely agree that it’s underreported. Every woman in my generation in my family on my mom’s side was fondled or assaulted by uncles, brothers, grandfather. We are all hyper vigilant mothers. And I’m pretty sure an uncle on my dad’s side faced criminal charges.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to trust your instincts to protect your child. Better safe than sorry. Be careful with men who take an odd interest in your kid.

I know many, many people who have been SA'd as kids, by trusted men. Mostly never reported to police, yet the victims told other kids, kids didn't know what to do with the info or were afraid to tell an adult.

You have mothers intuition for a good reason. Better safe than sorry.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative who SA'd younger family members when we were kids. Now he baby sits his grand daughters and posts tons of doting photos on FB. It makes me sick because I know he is alone with them all day. I would never trust him alone with a child.