Fear of SA with men in the family

[Anonymous]

Preface with I don't think I have any real reason to fear my FIL my sister in law vouches for him and I've never seen any behavior. I on the other hand was abused by multiple people including a family member for most of my childhood/teens. I know I'm the one carrying all th baggage here and it's a trauma response.

I also never had grandparents so I don't know what this is supposed to look like.

I am increasingly uncomfortable with how touchy fil is with my 15 month old. He also is constantly holding her on his lap or placing her on his lap and swinging backwards with her. Or letting herher slide down his legs when playing. I'm hyper aware and I feel like I'm constantly monitoring for inappropriate touch or a physical response from him- like is her getting an erection from this interaction. That feels awful for me also I can't enjoy anything.

This is the 5th time they have seen her. First eat their house. And first time we aren't nursing/pumping and she is more comfortable with others. I still haven't left her with them alone and get uncomfortable if she follows him in his room but make up and excuse to grab her. They don't put her to sleep or bathe or do diapers. He's just always touching her. Rubbing her neck or trying to get her to go to him when shes happy with me or grandma.

I don't know what I'm asking. I think if anyone has a similar past and similar feelings came up how did you handle the anxiety?

This happened once before with a friend who was playing doctor with my daughter and his two kids. The other toddler initiated and I felt uncomfortable for a few minutes but just sat and watched and it subsided. I'd also leave her with these friends. She seems them regularly and loves spending time with this friend and his wife. We vacation together and I don't have any flags from him.

This feeling with my fil isn't going away and it's growing if anything. Which makes me so uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Get some therapy to better develope your danger senses

[Anonymous]

OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

[Anonymous]

OP does your spouse know about your being abused? Does anyone in your spouse's family?
Or is it a secret?

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

[Anonymous]

You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

[Anonymous]

I am truly sorry that you had that experience and understand being cautious, but what you are describing is way over the top. Your FIL is going to want to hold and play with your baby. And you are going to want them as babysitters. Nothing you described rings any alarms.

Have you had therapy? If not, that has to be your first step or you are going to traumatize your daughter and she will grow up with the same anxiety as you have.

Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some therapy to better develope your danger senses

I am in therapy! And I'm working on it. It's usually been fleeting but this time it's just not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not a mom but a former prosecutor and a survivor of chile sexual abuse myself - multiple instances with multiple offenders, including family members, a neighborhood dad, a teenaged brother of an elementary school friend, etc.

I totally understand your apprehension.

I’m 55 years old and as a woman in this world and as a former prosecutor and former victim advocate, I’m firmly convinced that the reported rates of SA among children and adults both are significantly lower than the actual.

I think you should be vigilant, I think you should consider counseling to cope with the triggering feelings you’re experiencing- but I also think at some level you need to come to terms with the fact that this world is ugly and full of predators and your daughter is very likely to be molested at some point in her life.

I know that’s a bleak response. I’ve had all the therapy and I feel confident that my assertions are not paranoid or unrealistic. The bodies of girls and women are very, very often exploited. It’s just the way this world is, until we remake it.

My best advice would be to do everything you can to build the kind of relationship with her that she can tell you when it happens. I’m sorry for the world we live in. 😣

I’m sorry for your experience, but it’s yours - and not the norm. You are being paranoid and unrealistic. I would not want my child to grow up fearful of men. There are far more good men in the world than bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.

What? Is the father not supposed to go near the child because you have hang-ups? This is a grandparent we are talking about, not some rando. The great majority of men are amazing. I can understand not wanting you older child to have a sleepover with males due to your experience, but no contact with males? That's crazy.

Dads are okayish, but any other male (grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin), is a no. Them being family doesn’t really change anything. Being amazing doesn’t stop the fact that touch to men can mean many different things.

I truly can't imagine feeling this way. I was very close with all members of my family- male and female, and grew up to trust that there were more safe people in the world than not.

Same. How is OP’s child supposed to develop healthy relationships with males?

By not getting molested, is the idea, I suppose. This behavior would read groomer if it were a neighbor or something, but it's normal innocent grandparent behavior. And yet lots of people are molested by grandparents. So. I don't know. OP comes off both entirely reasonable and insane to me!