Been divorced 5 years; ex sent text last night expressing regret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op i am sure your judgment is better than the therapist. A good therapist will just ask you what you want to do and reflect on that. They shouldn't advise you.

For me, the fact that he just texted you, only you, randomly just means he was drunk and maybe horny. He chose a text, the lowest possible effort method of communication, not even a phone call where if you answered it, he'd actually have to speak to you and listen to you and maybe be held accountable. I do not see this at all as serious effort to reconcile with the child or make amends. If he's truly serious, he can write a heartfelt letter to you or kid, or call you, the way your son called hundreds of times. But what you got so far was just a fleeting text that stirred things up.

I agree with this but I doubt the ex was horny. Probably just drunk and upset. It’s not even a blip on the radar considering all his actions. I can’t believe he ignored his child’s calls. That’s monstrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

Troll

NP. I was married 17 years before we had a child. We’re not living in bumblef*ck Alabama like you.

It's uncommon. I didn't say it can't happen.

17 years is ridiculous. Were you poor?

No, are you? Because you sure like a village idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them that there was definitely hope for us to get back together if he moved back to our state and got counseling.

I would have him move back to your state get extreme counseling. As soon as he had enough counseling to reunite him and the child, I would say if he could learn to be a better father to your child that you might get back together.

A minimum of a year of therapy for himself and then a following year of him being a good father to your child that would be two full years of him being away from the affair partner and in counseling I would tell them that then I could get back together.

And then I would never get back together with him at all, but I would have tricked him into getting therapy and being a good father.

And if you think I haven’t done something similar to my ex you’re wrong.

He did four years of therapy and he’s turned out to be a wonderful person a great father and he has a really nice new girlfriend. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I know that’s what you believe, but absent the type of mental health condition that responds to medical treatment (bipolar meds or SSRI) forcing people into “counseling” generally does not work. And OP doesn’t actually want this guy near her kid at the end of the day. Having him relocate and pretend to be happy family means he could then make the legal case for getting back custody. Everyone in this scenario is better off with this dude staying where he is. What he did was unforgivable and indicates not some kind of mental health issue that needs “counseling” but a deep, deep failure of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op i am sure your judgment is better than the therapist. A good therapist will just ask you what you want to do and reflect on that. They shouldn't advise you.

For me, the fact that he just texted you, only you, randomly just means he was drunk and maybe horny. He chose a text, the lowest possible effort method of communication, not even a phone call where if you answered it, he'd actually have to speak to you and listen to you and maybe be held accountable. I do not see this at all as serious effort to reconcile with the child or make amends. If he's truly serious, he can write a heartfelt letter to you or kid, or call you, the way your son called hundreds of times. But what you got so far was just a fleeting text that stirred things up.

I agree with this but I doubt the ex was horny. Probably just drunk and upset. It’s not even a blip on the radar considering all his actions. I can’t believe he ignored his child’s calls. That’s monstrous.

+1. Monstrous. It would be very hard for an adult to reconcile this kind of fundamental betrayal and have any kind of healthy relationship result from a reconnection. I can only really picture a scenario where it’s a parent forgiving a child. But we are talking about a child and his parent - and a developmentally delayed child at that. This kid has no way to put the events into their proper perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New phone, who dis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New phone, who dis?

😆

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them that there was definitely hope for us to get back together if he moved back to our state and got counseling.

I would have him move back to your state get extreme counseling. As soon as he had enough counseling to reunite him and the child, I would say if he could learn to be a better father to your child that you might get back together.

A minimum of a year of therapy for himself and then a following year of him being a good father to your child that would be two full years of him being away from the affair partner and in counseling I would tell them that then I could get back together.

And then I would never get back together with him at all, but I would have tricked him into getting therapy and being a good father.

And if you think I haven’t done something similar to my ex you’re wrong.

He did four years of therapy and he’s turned out to be a wonderful person a great father and he has a really nice new girlfriend. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I know that’s what you believe, but absent the type of mental health condition that responds to medical treatment (bipolar meds or SSRI) forcing people into “counseling” generally does not work. And OP doesn’t actually want this guy near her kid at the end of the day. Having him relocate and pretend to be happy family means he could then make the legal case for getting back custody. Everyone in this scenario is better off with this dude staying where he is. What he did was unforgivable and indicates not some kind of mental health issue that needs “counseling” but a deep, deep failure of character.

Op here. My fabulous attorney advised that was the best case scenario. She was correct.

Kid is ok and we are bumping along. This text changes nothing. Actions vs words.

Ex didn’t show up to several court hearings and left the final judgement hearing early as I was granted the divorce on grounds of adultery on his part. He had countered that I was committing adultery but had no evidence as I was not. He was. My attorney had advised to retain a PI in the state he was living with his AP, and we had the proof.

Note: I would not have hired a PI without my attorney’s advice. She said do it. The first guy I hired was an absolute clown. The second was legit. We didn’t need to go through all that, at all. I was looking out for my financial future and for the security of our kid.

Don’t stay in a relationship with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them that there was definitely hope for us to get back together if he moved back to our state and got counseling.

I would have him move back to your state get extreme counseling. As soon as he had enough counseling to reunite him and the child, I would say if he could learn to be a better father to your child that you might get back together.

A minimum of a year of therapy for himself and then a following year of him being a good father to your child that would be two full years of him being away from the affair partner and in counseling I would tell them that then I could get back together.

And then I would never get back together with him at all, but I would have tricked him into getting therapy and being a good father.

And if you think I haven’t done something similar to my ex you’re wrong.

He did four years of therapy and he’s turned out to be a wonderful person a great father and he has a really nice new girlfriend. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

If he wanted to do that, he absolutely could. His mother died and his dad has broken his hip 3 times and is in a nursing home. He barely showed up for his mom’s funeral and his dad is extremely ill. He doesn’t care.

I never would have married a man who treated his family like this. I do not know what changed for him, and why he treats people like this now. It’s really scary.

Women need to watch out, don’t ever become dependent on a man and give up your career and income earning abilities.
Thanks, everyone.

[Anonymous]

I would ignore for now. You can always reach out later. This is too little too late and if he really feels this way, he can try to contact you or the kid otherwise.

If you want to contact him, that’s fine too.

I would not block him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex began an affair in another state while traveling for work, I found out, and filed for divorce. He did not want the divorce, but I was done. I offered to attend marriage counseling and he declined, so I told him I could not stay married after his infidelity and filed.

He moved to the affair state with his AP while I stayed where we had been living with our kid. The divorce took about 2 years. We had been married 25 years. I have not spoken to him or contacted him at all, after the divorce was finalized. He has remarried his AP and I have assumed they were happy, etc.

He pays alimony and cs, and has cut off all communication with our kid. Kid is in therapy, confused, sad. I feel terrible for our child but I have been helping them handle their father’s absence as much as I can. I offered time and time again to help facilitate the relationship between dad and child, to the point the therapist said please stop, it’s not going to happen, your ex is completely checked out of kid’s life.

So we have rebuilt our lives. It’s going ok.

Last night, around 10 pm, I received an obviously drunken text from ex. He expressed regret and said he felt pain like no other over what he has done. He said he had no excuse for his actions and was sorry. He said he wishes he could talk to me and thinks about us all the time.

I don’t plan on responding. I am going to show my kid’s therapist the text and ask her to discuss the issue with my child. I want a professional to help my child navigate their feelings and emotions and possible actions (ie, contacting their dad and expressing themselves to him in any way they feel comfortable) they could make in response to the text.

That being said: what would you do in response to this text.

You should ignore your ex. Don’t respond to that message.

However, you are handling the situation with your child badly.
Your responsibility as a parent is to talk to your child. You cannot outsource parenting to a therapist.
You must talk about it with your child.