Been divorced 5 years; ex sent text last night expressing regret

[Anonymous]

It would depend on your child's age and their interest in having a relationship with their parent. I've seen it happen where they can repair their relationship which is in your child's best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d block him.

Who cares about his regret his emotions are not your problem anymore. I’d forward his text to his new wife then block them both.

It would create problems for everyone I think if I involved his wife. Not my circus. They can continue the circus without my attendance. Or my child. My kid is the one who deserves peace and respect.

I mean- she’s the ap who stepped into your circus. Would you have appreciated it if you’d gotten a heads up from AP before having your life dismantled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid? The answer would be very different if 5 years old or 17.

My child is 15 and has autism. He is has a flat presentation, verbal communication issues, and emotional regulation deficits. He is easily agitated and will physically lash out when upset frustrated.

I have no intention of doing anything that will be problematic for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d block him.

Who cares about his regret his emotions are not your problem anymore. I’d forward his text to his new wife then block them both.

It would create problems for everyone I think if I involved his wife. Not my circus. They can continue the circus without my attendance. Or my child. My kid is the one who deserves peace and respect.

I mean- she’s the ap who stepped into your circus. Would you have appreciated it if you’d gotten a heads up from AP before having your life dismantled?

Really the ap and now wife is not on my radar whatsoever. I am concerned for my child. Adults can make their own choices and decisions and deal with their lives.

[Anonymous]

What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be careful that your kid doesn’t hate you later to find out that dad came to his senses but mom didn’t let them connect.

What? The dad reached out to the mom. The child has a cell phone, dad can reach out to kid directly. Don’t put dad’s choices on mom.

+1 dad has kid’s contact information.

During the divorce, kid would call dad repeatedly and dad would not answer.

Kid called dad every night and weekend for over 8 months.

That was the point the therapist said we needed to pull back and focus on other areas and explain about loss and new things after loss. It was a very hard time. My child has deep trauma and wakes up at night with sleep terrors remembering his loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid? The answer would be very different if 5 years old or 17.

My child is 15 and has autism. He is has a flat presentation, verbal communication issues, and emotional regulation deficits. He is easily agitated and will physically lash out when upset frustrated.

I have no intention of doing anything that will be problematic for him.

PP with the suggestion you liked. With this added information, I think it's even more important to run the contact by/through the therapist.

Your ex probably will need professional help to re-establish any positive relationship. Because he may not know how to make a meaningful apology and how to keep in-person contacts positive with a teenager who views life through an ND perspective.

I would say to be cautious about in-person meetings. Maybe stick to Zoom calls of a predetermined fixed length (controllable environment, easily ended vs. a visit).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Well, if dad and son reunite you don’t really have a say in that. That’s the hard thing about divorce-im not saying that cruelly- it’s the pits. I guess the good news is that dad seems unhappy in his new marriage, so maybe she won’t be around long. Who knows! But till dad reaches out to kid I don’t think you should have this on your radar as a big fear. Sorry- OP. Cowardly men are everywhere and it’s downright exhausting

[Anonymous]

"what would you do in response to this text."

Absolutely nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid? The answer would be very different if 5 years old or 17.

My child is 15 and has autism. He is has a flat presentation, verbal communication issues, and emotional regulation deficits. He is easily agitated and will physically lash out when upset frustrated.

I have no intention of doing anything that will be problematic for him.

PP with the suggestion you liked. With this added information, I think it's even more important to run the contact by/through the therapist.

Your ex probably will need professional help to re-establish any positive relationship. Because he may not know how to make a meaningful apology and how to keep in-person contacts positive with a teenager who views life through an ND perspective.

I would say to be cautious about in-person meetings. Maybe stick to Zoom calls of a predetermined fixed length (controllable environment, easily ended vs. a visit).

Thank you, pp. I am going to def work with the therapist. She is a great advocate for my kid and is concerned with their wellbeing and safety. This is a huge minefield to navigate. I cannot let my kid be layered with trauma. It’s not happening.

Thank you for your kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

[Anonymous]

Op i am sure your judgment is better than the therapist. A good therapist will just ask you what you want to do and reflect on that. They shouldn't advise you.

For me, the fact that he just texted you, only you, randomly just means he was drunk and maybe horny. He chose a text, the lowest possible effort method of communication, not even a phone call where if you answered it, he'd actually have to speak to you and listen to you and maybe be held accountable. I do not see this at all as serious effort to reconcile with the child or make amends. If he's truly serious, he can write a heartfelt letter to you or kid, or call you, the way your son called hundreds of times. But what you got so far was just a fleeting text that stirred things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.