Been divorced 5 years; ex sent text last night expressing regret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op i am sure your judgment is better than the therapist. A good therapist will just ask you what you want to do and reflect on that. They shouldn't advise you.

For me, the fact that he just texted you, only you, randomly just means he was drunk and maybe horny. He chose a text, the lowest possible effort method of communication, not even a phone call where if you answered it, he'd actually have to speak to you and listen to you and maybe be held accountable. I do not see this at all as serious effort to reconcile with the child or make amends. If he's truly serious, he can write a heartfelt letter to you or kid, or call you, the way your son called hundreds of times. But what you got so far was just a fleeting text that stirred things up.

Nobody writes letters anymore.

Inquiry texts are low effort but not surprising when you might expect the recipient to be absolutely livid with you. I'm a rational person, and I probably would try a text first to make sure that somebody would be open to a call. Or just to see if the message gets through. Number blocking is also a possibility when there's a negative relationship.

The years of silence suggest the dad has seriously escapist/selfish tendencies. I actually don't think a text to OP was the worst way to go about a contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

When the divorce was final, my attorney had a clause put in the decree that any relationship between dad and child would be at the discretion and desire of my child. Dad had fled the state and refused any contact and didn’t pay any child support until several years after leaving. He wanted to give up rights to his child, which was not an option. I tried over and over to convince ex to stay in kid’s life.

When we married, my ex seemed trustworthy. People unfortunately change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

[Anonymous]

This is off-topic, but did he have a normal relationship with the child before his affair was exposed?

I guess, given your kid's outreach attempts, there was positivity to the childhood years before age 8 or so?

Are there any hobbies or interests they still could share?

I have teenage sons and they can be very hard to talk to.

Last night, I had the longest conversation I've had with my younger son in a long time. And basically it consisted of us watching 45 minutes of Instagram reels about dopey stuff on his phone. Things like AI babies talking like grownups. We also sometimes exchange meaningful thoughts while he's being driven to and from school and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

When the divorce was final, my attorney had a clause put in the decree that any relationship between dad and child would be at the discretion and desire of my child. Dad had fled the state and refused any contact and didn’t pay any child support until several years after leaving. He wanted to give up rights to his child, which was not an option. I tried over and over to convince ex to stay in kid’s life.

When we married, my ex seemed trustworthy. People unfortunately change.

Oh I know! Mine became an abusive alcoholic. I’m not sure what this has to do with dad’s rights. He can make bad decisions, he can do bad things, he can regret them, he can try to make amends.

The clause is only something you paid for to state the obvious. No one can force relationship so yes, all relationships are two way and require the permission/discretion of both parties.

In this situation a likely drunk DH texted his ex wife with sad regret, this doesn’t have anything to do with the child nor should child be brought into it. He has kids cell number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

NP - I agree with your conclusion to provide your ex the therapist's contact information. I would not engage in any conversation or interaction with ex other than to say you 100% support a relationship between him and his son and here's therapist's contact information.

I understand that you have hope, but at this point it's highly likely that your ex isn't going to change his behavior at all. Or if he does, it won't last. It's much better for the therapist to facilitate this with you there as emotional support for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Ugh I’d find it very hard not to rip him a new one. What kind of parent abandons his child for his AP? What an awful human being. He’s trash and deserves to know everyone else thinks he’s trash too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is off-topic, but did he have a normal relationship with the child before his affair was exposed?

I guess, given your kid's outreach attempts, there was positivity to the childhood years before age 8 or so?

Are there any hobbies or interests they still could share?

I have teenage sons and they can be very hard to talk to.

Last night, I had the longest conversation I've had with my younger son in a long time. And basically it consisted of us watching 45 minutes of Instagram reels about dopey stuff on his phone. Things like AI babies talking like grownups. We also sometimes exchange meaningful thoughts while he's being driven to and from school and activities.

Ex is a workaholic and I have always been the primary caregiver and parent.

Dad and kid had a fairly normal relationship. Kid had a lot of developmental issues (still does) and I dealt/deal. Dad didn’t spend much time with kid. But we made the most of our family time.

Yes, kid reached out to dad. Kid’s calls were answered exactly 2 times. Dad got off phone asap. Final call, dad actually got upset that kid wanted to talk. I became enraged inwardly and stopped trying to support the relationship. F that guy if he thought he was going to treat his kid like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be careful that your kid doesn’t hate you later to find out that dad came to his senses but mom didn’t let them connect.

This.

My father did this to me when he had full custody of us after my mom left. I found out years later when she and I reconnected when I was an adult. (She had documented proof.)

I like the idea of responding to him and asking him what his plan would be vis-a-vis your child. Respond as if he is only talking about making it right with your kid, not trying to get back with you, get forgiveness from you, or pick up his old life again. Talk to your child’s therapist and do not talk to your child for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid? The answer would be very different if 5 years old or 17.

My child is 15 and has autism. He is has a flat presentation, verbal communication issues, and emotional regulation deficits. He is easily agitated and will physically lash out when upset frustrated.

I have no intention of doing anything that will be problematic for him.

Oh that is good additional info. I would delete the text.