Been divorced 5 years; ex sent text last night expressing regret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d block him.

Who cares about his regret his emotions are not your problem anymore. I’d forward his text to his new wife then block them both.

Amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

lol. Well OP has not given details of the child custody arrangement but I am assuming that based on the dad’s behavior and wishes, the court gave OP sole custody. So in fact dad does not have any rights here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op i am sure your judgment is better than the therapist. A good therapist will just ask you what you want to do and reflect on that. They shouldn't advise you.

For me, the fact that he just texted you, only you, randomly just means he was drunk and maybe horny. He chose a text, the lowest possible effort method of communication, not even a phone call where if you answered it, he'd actually have to speak to you and listen to you and maybe be held accountable. I do not see this at all as serious effort to reconcile with the child or make amends. If he's truly serious, he can write a heartfelt letter to you or kid, or call you, the way your son called hundreds of times. But what you got so far was just a fleeting text that stirred things up.

+1. This was not a serious indication of change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

lol. Well OP has not given details of the child custody arrangement but I am assuming that based on the dad’s behavior and wishes, the court gave OP sole custody. So in fact dad does not have any rights here.

Father is paying not only CS but alimony too, on time. IP said father “was not allowed” to give up rights so I assume they have joint decision making. IDK tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

Did you read everything OP wrote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

Paternal grandmother has passed away since the divorce. Paternal grandfather is in a nursing home with multiple chronic conditions. His health is very poor and he probably won’t live much longer.

When the divorce began, they immediately cut me and kid out. They supported ex 100%. My ex mil passed away late last year and one of their family members reached out to me to ask why kid wasn’t at the memorial service with their dad. I simply stated dad has no contact with kid due to dad’s choice. They said everyone thought it odd ex didn’t mention his child at all when they caught up with him during the memorial and after the funeral service.

Ya’ll don’t understand what terrible and odd circumstance my poor kid had to deal with. They were loving grandparents until they weren’t. Oddly enough, my kid is mentioned as beloved grandchild of deceased grandmother in her obituary.

I feel like we are in the twilight zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex began an affair in another state while traveling for work, I found out, and filed for divorce. He did not want the divorce, but I was done. I offered to attend marriage counseling and he declined, so I told him I could not stay married after his infidelity and filed.

He moved to the affair state with his AP while I stayed where we had been living with our kid. The divorce took about 2 years. We had been married 25 years. I have not spoken to him or contacted him at all, after the divorce was finalized. He has remarried his AP and I have assumed they were happy, etc.

He pays alimony and cs, and has cut off all communication with our kid. Kid is in therapy, confused, sad. I feel terrible for our child but I have been helping them handle their father’s absence as much as I can. I offered time and time again to help facilitate the relationship between dad and child, to the point the therapist said please stop, it’s not going to happen, your ex is completely checked out of kid’s life.

So we have rebuilt our lives. It’s going ok.

Last night, around 10 pm, I received an obviously drunken text from ex. He expressed regret and said he felt pain like no other over what he has done. He said he had no excuse for his actions and was sorry. He said he wishes he could talk to me and thinks about us all the time.

I don’t plan on responding. I am going to show my kid’s therapist the text and ask her to discuss the issue with my child. I want a professional to help my child navigate their feelings and emotions and possible actions (ie, contacting their dad and expressing themselves to him in any way they feel comfortable) they could make in response to the text.

That being said: what would you do in response to this text.

Exactly what you did OP.
Nothing. I would not respond.

I think you sharing the text with your therapist and asking for ways to navigate is perfect.

Best of luck to you and your child.

Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for the sake of your kid (who is how old?) you have to see if this is a possible opening to a renewed relationship or not. I think talking to a therapist is a good idea. OTOH calling him up to ream him out would also be a totally understandable response. At the end of the day I think you would have to assess yourself whether there is any possible world where he becomes a healthy presence in your child’s life.

I would probably start by shifting the burden on to him: “Hey ex. Given that you stopped communicating with child, how do you think you can rebuild a relationship? What can you do to heal this? What is your plan and your idea about how this is going to work?”

If he cannot discuss this with you (gets mad, denies there is any issue, or my favorite - tells you it is all your fault) then I would ignore it with a clear conscience.

If he expresses insight and takes responsibility, then you may have a path forward.

Either way this is HIS work to do, not yours. Your only job as a mom would be to protect your child from a harmful scenario (eg he suddenly wants to come take child away for the weekend or starts making drunken calls to child). But if Ex sets up therapy appointments, consults with child’s therapist, has a plan - then ok.

THIS^^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

lol. Well OP has not given details of the child custody arrangement but I am assuming that based on the dad’s behavior and wishes, the court gave OP sole custody. So in fact dad does not have any rights here.

Yes. Dad wanted nothing to do with kid.

He didn’t want any custody or any time with kid.

He wanted to give up his rights to his minor, disabled child and not pay any child support.

That’s not a thing. The state will force a parent to pay support to the best of their ability because people don’t have kids to walk away and be supported by taxpayers. (I was not aware of these details until my attorney informed me.)

People can give up parental rights to a minor child if the minor child is legally adopted by another adult. That is irrelevant in our case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

lol. Well OP has not given details of the child custody arrangement but I am assuming that based on the dad’s behavior and wishes, the court gave OP sole custody. So in fact dad does not have any rights here.

Father is paying not only CS but alimony too, on time. IP said father “was not allowed” to give up rights so I assume they have joint decision making. IDK tho.

He pays now. He didn’t pay for years and was behind in both the felony amount. He makes great money. I have gone to court with a private attorney repeatedly. Last year the state child support enforcement unit took over enforcement and now he pays on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

Paternal grandmother has passed away since the divorce. Paternal grandfather is in a nursing home with multiple chronic conditions. His health is very poor and he probably won’t live much longer.

When the divorce began, they immediately cut me and kid out. They supported ex 100%. My ex mil passed away late last year and one of their family members reached out to me to ask why kid wasn’t at the memorial service with their dad. I simply stated dad has no contact with kid due to dad’s choice. They said everyone thought it odd ex didn’t mention his child at all when they caught up with him during the memorial and after the funeral service.

Ya’ll don’t understand what terrible and odd circumstance my poor kid had to deal with. They were loving grandparents until they weren’t. Oddly enough, my kid is mentioned as beloved grandchild of deceased grandmother in her obituary.

I feel like we are in the twilight zone.

OP, I'm currently doing genealogy and have been reading a thread about obituaries. Specifically about how people are under pressure, have poor recall, etc. when they are preparing them. The conversation was about accuracy issues and surprising omissions.

A helpful interpretation for you, re: the "twilight zone" obituary comment may be that the person who wrote the obituary had an outdated impression of the relationship, did not know of the estrangement situation, or was just throwing in formulaic expressions to sound conventional.

I would disregard the obituary as anything other than a check the box exercise by an unknown person. The funeral home might have drafted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say I’m sorry for your continued stress and drama from you a-hole ex. I’m mid divorce and I see my kids getting their hopes crushed again and again my a father who can’t live up to expectations and it’s so hard no matter what you do. I think the father-kids relationship is the hardest thing about my divorce because I want things to be as good as possible for the kids and my ex has a way of making all possible scenarios unpleasant for the kids. Shows up and lets them know he’s disappointed with them or I’ve ’ruined them’, blows them off and seems not to care, acts like a read dad for a while and gets their hopes up and then cycles through the other options.