Been divorced 5 years; ex sent text last night expressing regret
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Anonymous
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My ex began an affair in another state while traveling for work, I found out, and filed for divorce. He did not want the divorce, but I was done. I offered to attend marriage counseling and he declined, so I told him I could not stay married after his infidelity and filed.
He moved to the affair state with his AP while I stayed where we had been living with our kid. The divorce took about 2 years. We had been married 25 years. I have not spoken to him or contacted him at all, after the divorce was finalized. He has remarried his AP and I have assumed they were happy, etc. He pays alimony and cs, and has cut off all communication with our kid. Kid is in therapy, confused, sad. I feel terrible for our child but I have been helping them handle their father’s absence as much as I can. I offered time and time again to help facilitate the relationship between dad and child, to the point the therapist said please stop, it’s not going to happen, your ex is completely checked out of kid’s life. So we have rebuilt our lives. It’s going ok. Last night, around 10 pm, I received an obviously drunken text from ex. He expressed regret and said he felt pain like no other over what he has done. He said he had no excuse for his actions and was sorry. He said he wishes he could talk to me and thinks about us all the time. I don’t plan on responding. I am going to show my kid’s therapist the text and ask her to discuss the issue with my child. I want a professional to help my child navigate their feelings and emotions and possible actions (ie, contacting their dad and expressing themselves to him in any way they feel comfortable) they could make in response to the text. That being said: what would you do in response to this text. |
Anonymous
| Ignore it. What an A-hole. |
Anonymous
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I’d block him.
Who cares about his regret his emotions are not your problem anymore. I’d forward his text to his new wife then block them both. |
Anonymous
| Ignore it and don’t bring it up with the kid and start drama. I hope this is fake. |
Anonymous
I am op. That’s what I want to do. I am really sorry for our child, and will take the advice of the therapist regarding kid, but my thought is to ignore. It seems like he slammed the door shut and now is trying to rattle it open. No thanks. |
Anonymous
Not fake and I have zero intention of talking to kid about it. Will ask therapist for guidance. Wish it was fake, for sure. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to figure out whether there’s anything that your ex could actually offer your kid at this point. There’s a cost, and what is the benefit. Beyond what he’s already forced to pay in cs etc. If benefit isn’t big enough, ignore. |
Anonymous
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I think for the sake of your kid (who is how old?) you have to see if this is a possible opening to a renewed relationship or not. I think talking to a therapist is a good idea. OTOH calling him up to ream him out would also be a totally understandable response. At the end of the day I think you would have to assess yourself whether there is any possible world where he becomes a healthy presence in your child’s life.
I would probably start by shifting the burden on to him: “Hey ex. Given that you stopped communicating with child, how do you think you can rebuild a relationship? What can you do to heal this? What is your plan and your idea about how this is going to work?” If he cannot discuss this with you (gets mad, denies there is any issue, or my favorite - tells you it is all your fault) then I would ignore it with a clear conscience. If he expresses insight and takes responsibility, then you may have a path forward. Either way this is HIS work to do, not yours. Your only job as a mom would be to protect your child from a harmful scenario (eg he suddenly wants to come take child away for the weekend or starts making drunken calls to child). But if Ex sets up therapy appointments, consults with child’s therapist, has a plan - then ok. |
Anonymous
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Why do you wish it was fake?
Your husband fell into a familiar trope- he wanted fresh and upended his entire life to get it. As the limerence wears off he misses his old life, he regrets his decisions, and he’s hoovering you to see if there’s still room for you to take him back. It’s literally a tale as old as time. It has nothing to do with your child and it isn’t far fetched or unusual. |
Anonymous
| How old is the kid? The answer would be very different if 5 years old or 17. |
Anonymous
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I think it's a good idea to talk to the therapist about it but I'm not sure it should be shared with your child.
Your ex may genuinely have regrets BUT may not be able to repair trust with your child. And may not be able to sustain a healthy rekindled relationship. I think your child may be able to be happy without any relationship with dad. I have several close friends who were completely alienated from their fathers who are untroubled/accepting of that in a healthy way as adults. Depending on the advice you get from the therapist, perhaps you could message back that any further positive contact and amends need to be constructively directed towards your child. And you could provide their number. I would counsel your child not to expect much but at least know that their father has some remorse vs. none. |
Anonymous
It would create problems for everyone I think if I involved his wife. Not my circus. They can continue the circus without my attendance. Or my child. My kid is the one who deserves peace and respect. |
Anonymous
That’s a great idea. I will definitely think about responding with the therapist’s number and ask if he would like to speak with the therapist. Perfect. |
Anonymous
| You need to be careful that your kid doesn’t hate you later to find out that dad came to his senses but mom didn’t let them connect. |
Anonymous
What? The dad reached out to the mom. The child has a cell phone, dad can reach out to kid directly. Don’t put dad’s choices on mom. |