How common is it to regret getting a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my brothers regret the way their marriages ended and that they were not able to figure out a way to keep the marriage intact. They both have substance abuse issues and mental health problems.

Neither of their ex-wives regret their divorce and I know they are relieved to have gotten out of those marriages even with the co-parenting challenges it created. I don't think they can ever totally regret their marriages because they love their kids, who are great, but I'm certain they look back on red flags from early in those relationships and wish they'd done a better job of recognizing where things were headed.

I have empathy for all involved but mostly just wish my brothers didn't struggle with these demons. I don't blame my former SILs at all for choosing to get out of those marriages. I have mixed feelings about the impact on kids -- the divorces are hard on my nieces and nephews but also it would have been hard on them if there hadn't been divorce either. I hope the experience helps them know better what to do, and not to do, in their adult relationships. I especially hope they can break the cycles of substance issues and mental health problems, and I have faith that it's possible because I did it myself (happily married, two kids, no substance problems, very healthy mentally with help of therapists and supportive spouse).

People tend to marry their equal when it comes to emotional maturity.

And society rewards some coping mechanisms and addictions over others.

Strongly disagree with the bold. Many emotionally mature women end up compensating for emotionally immature men. It’s why they die younger without wives and have weaker social networks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret it every day, but I got blindsided and didn't have a choice – I was told I was being divorced so he could pursue other options. He got everything he wanted. I suspect he has regrets once a month when he puts through the alimony, but that's about it.

Same boat. Devastating for me. Mild financial regret for him but only because he’s a miser. That check is nothing but a rounding error and temporary.

I'm the PP. I'm sorry. It's awful. It felt like the bottom fell out of my world and I was knocked completely flat. It was barely a hiccup for him. I'll never understand it, but I'm slowly learning to be okay with that.

Yes. Every word you wrote could be mine. It was like he filed and never thought about it again. He’s still confused to the point of mildly annoyed that the kids are/were upset. He sees it as a decision that was made and done that he has already moved past the day he filed. I live with his unilateral decision and the consequences of the promises he broke to me every day.

I’m still stunned by the ability of the financially advantaged party to just leave with more money and future opportunity and I no longer believe in marriage, marriage vows, or that marriage offers any true legal protections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret it every day, but I got blindsided and didn't have a choice – I was told I was being divorced so he could pursue other options. He got everything he wanted. I suspect he has regrets once a month when he puts through the alimony, but that's about it.

Same boat. Devastating for me. Mild financial regret for him but only because he’s a miser. That check is nothing but a rounding error and temporary.

Did you all not get a share of the marital assets and child support?

[Anonymous]

My stbx blindsided me, and I was really devastated, but a year later I realize that it was the end of my suffering, not the beginning of it. I never had peace and a feeling of safety with him because he's unreliable and emotionally immature (and more specifically, a cheater with a drinking problem).

And I can't say this doesn't make a difference . . . I have gotten a good amount of lifetime alimony and an acceptable splitting of the assets (we should have had more, but he's terrible with money, and now I can invest properly on my own). So I didn't lose anything I couldn't replicate with a box of vibrators, lol. And when I'm ready, I will enjoy dating, knowing that I just need a honest friend for regular romps and not much else.

Will he regret it? I don't know, at this point I don't really care. Everything is turning up roses for me, and he's had plenty of chaos and drama since he left me, mainly because he didn't realize how much I headed off and shielded him from. But he is blessed with the ability to ignore his own role in things and give himself credit that isn't due, so I'm not expecting much introspection from him. And that's fine. Life is too short and precious for me to worry about that. Healing means reaching a mix of indifference and polite amicability and I'm getting there.

I suspect that whether you regret your divorce has a lot to do with how you view all major decision making in your life. My stbx left me for another woman, and I've become chummy with her now ex-husband. He is very hung up on choosing wrong when it came to marriage. If only he hadn't chosen her, if only he had been more patient, if only he hadn't felt bad when she was so upset when he tried to dump her, etc etc. Because he's still bargaining with the pain and the loss of his vision for his life. I'm not generally a decision-regretter, because I am a careful and well-meaning person, and if I had imperfect information or I gave somebody too many chances, I know I was doing my best, and there's no way to avoid pain or loss in life. I try to practice gratitude and focus on the joy that I do have in my life, rather than the things that didn't work out.

I didn't want the marriage to end, but I have my dignity and I wasn't going to beg a dumb cheater to stay with me. I know I did my best, and there are plenty of people who would love me, and most of them would probably be a step up from my ex. So it's all good.

[Anonymous]

Excellent post, view and attitude PP. Sorry for the pain but you’ve sought enlightenment, made peace with your decisions before and now, and sound healthy!

[Anonymous]

+1 wishing you the best, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not common at all. I know people who very much wish they hadn't felt the need, but everyone who's had one who I know is relieved.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gates both have recently said they regret their divorces, so has Ben Affleck.

They don’t regret the divorce.

They regret being exposed,
They regret dividing up their commingled estate
They regret the effects of their behaviors and the divorce on their children and that relationship.

They basically regret the consequences of their divorce, which were directly catalyzed by their poor decisions and behaviors during the marriage.

But NONE of them said nor alluded to “regretting their divorce” because they still love and miss their ex wife and previous marriage.

Affleck has stated he specifically regrets messing it up with Garner. They are still very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret it every day, but I got blindsided and didn't have a choice – I was told I was being divorced so he could pursue other options. He got everything he wanted. I suspect he has regrets once a month when he puts through the alimony, but that's about it.

Same boat. Devastating for me. Mild financial regret for him but only because he’s a miser. That check is nothing but a rounding error and temporary.

Did you all not get a share of the marital assets and child support?

You do. But it’s not helpful if your stbx or ex files just as their career takes off because of the support you’ve given them. Imagine a tech entrepreneur who’s been grinding for years and finally makes it big just after divorce (“coincidentally”), a doctor who finishes their fellowships and is almost in the clear paying down their loans and then divorces, or someone in a field where deferred comp only happens at a certain executive level which they were promoted to after the filing.

Those are the spouses of acquaintances of mine who screwed over their supporting/trailing/compromised spouses big time with the timing of their filing.

[Anonymous]

Usually you are trading one set of problems for another. There really isnt a good choice unless you have a lot of money where money isnt an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my exh regrets it.

Attempted hoovering (starting about a year or so after the D, which got shut down) after moving on with lightning speed. Partnered up so fast that most people (family, friends, kids) realized, without me saying a word, that he was the one who wanted out even though I filed.

I miss being partnered but my standards are higher now. I'm aging backwards (which helps, not going to lie, ha), kids are great, $ is solid.

I filed to set him free, but ended up setting myself free in ways that I couldn't imagine.

You’re not aging backwards. Sorry to break the news to you.

I'm a different poster. Some people age backwards after divorce. I did. I felt more energetic. I lost weight. I looked better. Do I have a little more grey hair? Yes. Am I closer to retirement? Yes. But I'm more athletic, my clothes fit better, I do more fun things, and I feel better.

I don't regret my divorce at all. I admit I'm sad my marriage didn't work out but my spouse fell out of love with me and lost all attraction to me. I'm glad I got out.

Do you worry at all that if you had made the effort while you were still married that it would’ve made a difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my exh regrets it.

Attempted hoovering (starting about a year or so after the D, which got shut down) after moving on with lightning speed. Partnered up so fast that most people (family, friends, kids) realized, without me saying a word, that he was the one who wanted out even though I filed.

I miss being partnered but my standards are higher now. I'm aging backwards (which helps, not going to lie, ha), kids are great, $ is solid.

I filed to set him free, but ended up setting myself free in ways that I couldn't imagine.

You’re not aging backwards. Sorry to break the news to you.

I'm a different poster. Some people age backwards after divorce. I did. I felt more energetic. I lost weight. I looked better. Do I have a little more grey hair? Yes. Am I closer to retirement? Yes. But I'm more athletic, my clothes fit better, I do more fun things, and I feel better.

I don't regret my divorce at all. I admit I'm sad my marriage didn't work out but my spouse fell out of love with me and lost all attraction to me. I'm glad I got out.

Do you worry at all that if you had made the effort while you were still married that it would’ve made a difference?

DP, but I am one of the blindsided posters. I did make the effort while we were still married. I thought we were doing it together. He was doing it for someone else. I was a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret it every day, but I got blindsided and didn't have a choice – I was told I was being divorced so he could pursue other options. He got everything he wanted. I suspect he has regrets once a month when he puts through the alimony, but that's about it.

Same boat. Devastating for me. Mild financial regret for him but only because he’s a miser. That check is nothing but a rounding error and temporary.

Did you all not get a share of the marital assets and child support?

You do. But it’s not helpful if your stbx or ex files just as their career takes off because of the support you’ve given them. Imagine a tech entrepreneur who’s been grinding for years and finally makes it big just after divorce (“coincidentally”), a doctor who finishes their fellowships and is almost in the clear paying down their loans and then divorces, or someone in a field where deferred comp only happens at a certain executive level which they were promoted to after the filing.

Those are the spouses of acquaintances of mine who screwed over their supporting/trailing/compromised spouses big time with the timing of their filing.

Elon Musk's first wife wrote about how his team was trying to cut her out of any chance at PayPal, etc. Before he hit it big. They had 5 kids and she got a very modest settlement considering he is now the 2nd richest man on earth.

I believe she's happy to be well rid of the loon. He behaves oddly with his partners and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not common at all. I know people who very much wish they hadn't felt the need, but everyone who's had one who I know is relieved.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gates both have recently said they regret their divorces, so has Ben Affleck.

They don’t regret the divorce.

They regret being exposed,
They regret dividing up their commingled estate
They regret the effects of their behaviors and the divorce on their children and that relationship.

They basically regret the consequences of their divorce, which were directly catalyzed by their poor decisions and behaviors during the marriage.

But NONE of them said nor alluded to “regretting their divorce” because they still love and miss their ex wife and previous marriage.

Affleck has stated he specifically regrets messing it up with Garner. They are still very close.

Yes, it's pretty clear he caused the whole mess by being an alcoholic cheater.

[Anonymous]

If any woman files for divorce and regrets it she will never admit it. It's an ego thing. Next question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s also common for people to demonise their exes to avoid their own feelings of shame, guilt and regret. And of course there is a whole industry that capitalises on that.

What industry? Sincere question

Lawyers

Oh duh lol. Thank you for clarifying.