How common is it to regret getting a divorce?

[Anonymous]

I think my exh regrets it.

Attempted hoovering (starting about a year or so after the D, which got shut down) after moving on with lightning speed. Partnered up so fast that most people (family, friends, kids) realized, without me saying a word, that he was the one who wanted out even though I filed.

I miss being partnered but my standards are higher now. I'm aging backwards (which helps, not going to lie, ha), kids are great, $ is solid.

I filed to set him free, but ended up setting myself free in ways that I couldn't imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Does he at least have trusts for your kids? Or are they SOOL too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Yikes.

Your lawyer should have helped you all in this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my exh regrets it.

Attempted hoovering (starting about a year or so after the D, which got shut down) after moving on with lightning speed. Partnered up so fast that most people (family, friends, kids) realized, without me saying a word, that he was the one who wanted out even though I filed.

I miss being partnered but my standards are higher now. I'm aging backwards (which helps, not going to lie, ha), kids are great, $ is solid.

I filed to set him free, but ended up setting myself free in ways that I couldn't imagine.

You’re not aging backwards. Sorry to break the news to you.

[Anonymous]

I know many divorced people, l only know one who openly regretted it and got back with the (abusive) ex.

OP why are you divorcing? The relationship may be so damaged or you may be so incompatible that the only logical path forward is separating and / or divorce. Being miserable every day is so stressful. Even living with 75% less (if that’s a real metric) is better than being miserable. Hopefully you already support yourself financially but if not think hard about how to start doing that even before the separation.

[Anonymous]

Regret is kind of a wasted emotion. Had you not left you don’t know that you wouldn’t regret staying. You may be dissatisfied with the outcome in terms of finding a new partner and the financial hit, but that doesn’t mean divorce was the wrong decision.

OP if you need help with this there is a good book called “too good to leave, too bad to stay” which is written to bring clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With a good marriage, regret very often

With an abusive marriage, regret not doing it earlier

Who gets divorced with a “good marriage”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL still regrets his divorce 10 years later. He behaved poorly to the extent that his own parents and siblings distanced themselves from him. He’s gotten therapy but hasn’t been in a stable relationship since. Former SIL is happily remarried and has twins with her new husband, in addition to hers and BIL’s child.

It sounds like he regrets his bad behavior and the divorce is just a side effect of that bad behavior. Why hasn't he been able to find a new relationship? Presumably if he regrets his behavior he's aware enough to make changes in how he behaves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Does he at least have trusts for your kids? Or are they SOOL too?

529s underfunded because he believed that it made more sense to use them as a rolling tax protected tool to pay for private school tuition each year and then pay in cash flow along the way for college and invest in better vehicles for the long term. One not rich grandparent on my side has put a bunch away, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Yikes.

Your lawyer should have helped you all in this one.

Only so much that they can do but definitely wrung every last dime out of the situation. DH timed things very precisely to specific comp dates to protect future tranches but I was able to get a little of that. He sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Yikes.

Your lawyer should have helped you all in this one.

Only so much that they can do but definitely wrung every last dime out of the situation. DH timed things very precisely to specific comp dates to protect future tranches but I was able to get a little of that. He sucks.

Did he leave for another woman? What a POS.

[Anonymous]

I think it's common for people to find out that being divorced and coparenting is more complicated than they imagined, especially on their costs. However, I don't have a single divorced friend who has confided in me that they regret their divorce. They each had strong reasons to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

It wasn’t my choice but I regret it. Our retirement plans were joint and made sense for two thoughtful, financially measured people. When DH bolted and our savings and retirement were split and our equity was split before it could grow for the amount of years we’d planned…well, 25% for me is definitely accurate. DH’s career is just entering the years where his comp will grow in a way that’s a reward for all the grinding years before. Mine is entering the years where any year could be the last.

I regret ever meeting him, but I don’t think that’s what OP was asking!

Yikes.

Your lawyer should have helped you all in this one.

Only so much that they can do but definitely wrung every last dime out of the situation. DH timed things very precisely to specific comp dates to protect future tranches but I was able to get a little of that. He sucks.

Did he leave for another woman? What a POS.

Thank you for saying that. Every time a stranger calls him a POS I crawl a bit more out of the hole I’ve been in these past couple of years.

He just left for no reason. As far as I can tell it was hard and he didn’t want to deal. My feelings are one thing but I thought he’d be there for the kids if I was still doing the heavy lifting. He used every excuse to just drift away from them but it was always because they didn’t want to talk or they were busy. They didn’t want to talk because you crushed them and never acknowledged it!

Anyway, off-topic.

This thread just reminded me of parents of my childhood friends who divorced, remarrried, and divorced *again*.

I wonder which divorce they regretted. Both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL still regrets his divorce 10 years later. He behaved poorly to the extent that his own parents and siblings distanced themselves from him. He’s gotten therapy but hasn’t been in a stable relationship since. Former SIL is happily remarried and has twins with her new husband, in addition to hers and BIL’s child.

It sounds like he regrets his bad behavior and the divorce is just a side effect of that bad behavior. Why hasn't he been able to find a new relationship? Presumably if he regrets his behavior he's aware enough to make changes in how he behaves?

Still carrying a torch for his ex-wife who understandably wants nothing to do with him.

[Anonymous]

My aunt and uncle divorced after 12 years of marriage.

Neither really let the other go.

Both married other people.

Both stayed married to the others for over 25 years.

Aunt and Uncle slept togther yearly while being married to the other people