How common is it to regret getting a divorce?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say I am in the camp of having zero options OTHER than to divorce (there is no physical abuse, or affair) but am somewhat backed into a corner. One of my fears is regretting the decision - how common is this? Would love to get a sense...

[Anonymous]

Kids involved? If not, go ahead and divorce for any 'ol reason you like. Imo. But how about a long (legal) separation, a separation until one of you wants to marry someone else. If kids, imo, divorce should only happen for: adultery, abuse or addiction.

[Anonymous]

My BIL still regrets his divorce 10 years later. He behaved poorly to the extent that his own parents and siblings distanced themselves from him. He’s gotten therapy but hasn’t been in a stable relationship since. Former SIL is happily remarried and has twins with her new husband, in addition to hers and BIL’s child.

[Anonymous]

Not common at all. I know people who very much wish they hadn't felt the need, but everyone who's had one who I know is relieved.

[Anonymous]

It’s enormously common.

[Anonymous]

I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t have left if it was bearable.

[Anonymous]

My DH initiated it by filing without my knowledge. I was devastated at the time. Now I am relieved.

I talk to him at a minimum and only about practical matters but I am sure he regretted it from the first document requests. He didn’t understand the chain of events he was setting off but was too proud and then too ashamed to back down.

[Anonymous]

Not common at all. I needed to get out of abuse. Why you divorcing if not abuse. Work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not common at all. I know people who very much wish they hadn't felt the need, but everyone who's had one who I know is relieved.

This. I really wish DH hadn't been the person he was, but I couldn't stay married to someone comfortable with lying to my face for extended periods of time. He used me to keep house, pay the bills and raise the kids while he got his ego massaged by another woman.

Divorce is much more preferable.

[Anonymous]

Ladies, let's not bombard this thread with your stories of terrible cheating and abusive husbands. OP made clear that that's not her situation so your situations and lack of regrets aren't relevant.

If OP could just give us a little more, just a little, on what the core issue is and let us know whether there are kids involved and who makes the money it would be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from. Also for people who like to be partnered or married, that doesn’t always happen again. If there are kids, there are all sorts of issues that can be tough from simply splitting the time to watching them become a part of a new family with additional siblings. And there can be the realization that there is no perfect relationship, that the falling in love stage doesn’t last and sometimes bad patterns repeat themselves because you are the common dynamic.

All of these regrets can happen even when you’re relieved to be out of the marriage.

I am the one who filed in our relationship but I realized that I would regret it and decided to stay and put in the work. I think had I not, I would have regretted divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from. Also for people who like to be partnered or married, that doesn’t always happen again. If there are kids, there are all sorts of issues that can be tough from simply splitting the time to watching them become a part of a new family with additional siblings. And there can be the realization that there is no perfect relationship, that the falling in love stage doesn’t last and sometimes bad patterns repeat themselves because you are the common dynamic.

All of these regrets can happen even when you’re relieved to be out of the marriage.

I am the one who filed in our relationship but I realized that I would regret it and decided to stay and put in the work. I think had I not, I would have regretted divorcing.

I wish more people realized this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL still regrets his divorce 10 years later. He behaved poorly to the extent that his own parents and siblings distanced themselves from him. He’s gotten therapy but hasn’t been in a stable relationship since. Former SIL is happily remarried and has twins with her new husband, in addition to hers and BIL’s child.

The fact that he regrets it instead of realizing it was best for his ex and child just shows more immaturity…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from. Also for people who like to be partnered or married, that doesn’t always happen again. If there are kids, there are all sorts of issues that can be tough from simply splitting the time to watching them become a part of a new family with additional siblings. And there can be the realization that there is no perfect relationship, that the falling in love stage doesn’t last and sometimes bad patterns repeat themselves because you are the common dynamic.

All of these regrets can happen even when you’re relieved to be out of the marriage.

I am the one who filed in our relationship but I realized that I would regret it and decided to stay and put in the work. I think had I not, I would have regretted divorcing.

I wish more people realized this.

Well if you ex didn’t realize it, there’s not much you can do! Marriage and divorce involve two people. I suppose there are some cases where one person makes a unilaterally foolish decision but I think that’s rare. And their immaturity in doing that kind of in and of itself is divorce worthy.

[Anonymous]

I think it's rare to truly regret the divorce, but I do think people regret certain choices that contributed to it happening.

The people most likely to regret the divorce are the people who had a poor understanding of how it would play out, in money, parenting, new relationships, whatever. If they thought their kids would immediately be fine with it and they'd meet someone better, they might be in for a rude awakening.