Need outside perspective on a fight with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In retrospect, a PP hit on a fundamental communication problem between Dh and me. He has said before that he just wants to engage in an intellectual debate with me, but instead, I take things personally, feel attacked, and just get my feelings hurt instead. I do think he probably wishes he married someone who he could verbally spar and debate with, where both parties are trying their best to "win". Anger, insults, rude comments - all fair game.

I take this with a giant grain of salt though, because the very second I disagree with him on something, HE is the one who gets very defensive. He wants me to be supportive of him 100% and takes any disagreement as an attack on him. So I think in this case, he probably wanted me to say something like, oh hmmm, yeah I never thought about that way, maybe you're right, tell me more about why you think that way?

But I was irked because here I was just enjoying a song. And in my view, not only did he crap on me for it, he also judged me for it and tried to make me feel ashamed or less than evolved for liking it. It didn't even matter what the song was about. I felt judged, and I felt I didn't want to be boxed in or told what I should and shouldn't like.

I didn't come here for validation. I came here because I knew this argument was stupid and we fell into old patterns and I'd rather not do that anymore. If I was in the wrong, I'm willing to apologize and take accountability. If there is feedback I can give him, I'd like to be able to talk about that with him, instead of do what we normally do - just pretend it didn't happen and move on, so that it can just pop up again next time.

You deserve better. Why did you marry such a jerk. It’s not too late. You can fix it. File for divorce. I can’t imagine how your live can be miserable with an emotionally abusive man like that. Witnessing these fights must traumatizing for your kids. Get out of this abusive relationship before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In retrospect, a PP hit on a fundamental communication problem between Dh and me. He has said before that he just wants to engage in an intellectual debate with me, but instead, I take things personally, feel attacked, and just get my feelings hurt instead. I do think he probably wishes he married someone who he could verbally spar and debate with, where both parties are trying their best to "win". Anger, insults, rude comments - all fair game.

I take this with a giant grain of salt though, because the very second I disagree with him on something, HE is the one who gets very defensive. He wants me to be supportive of him 100% and takes any disagreement as an attack on him. So I think in this case, he probably wanted me to say something like, oh hmmm, yeah I never thought about that way, maybe you're right, tell me more about why you think that way?

But I was irked because here I was just enjoying a song. And in my view, not only did he crap on me for it, he also judged me for it and tried to make me feel ashamed or less than evolved for liking it. It didn't even matter what the song was about. I felt judged, and I felt I didn't want to be boxed in or told what I should and shouldn't like.

I didn't come here for validation. I came here because I knew this argument was stupid and we fell into old patterns and I'd rather not do that anymore. If I was in the wrong, I'm willing to apologize and take accountability. If there is feedback I can give him, I'd like to be able to talk about that with him, instead of do what we normally do - just pretend it didn't happen and move on, so that it can just pop up again next time.

You can just do what all men in successful marriages learn. Smile, validate, agree, maybe an inoffensive counterpoint here and there for spice, and move on.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk.

You will need to stop these downward spiral rants of his in their track with some boundaries. Like stop talking, take a break, you or I go out and take a walk, agree to “disagree”, tell him to check his temper, “his personal opinion is ‘noted,’ now move on.”

Stop trying to convince an insane sore loser to agree with you or apologize. Those types don’t.

Bottom line is you can’t trust him c his judgement is off, and he’s an a hole during discussions or disagreements.

Get individual therapy for how to ultimately cope and deal with this. Sorry. He’s got issues. And since you both had kids together, now his issues are all do your issues.

[Anonymous]

Play the damn pop song.

If he starts complaining, or wanting to pontificate about his personal view of the lyrics or women, tell him to Be quiet and move on.

Keep playing the damn song.

[Anonymous]

I really do not understand what is wrong in objectifying women if that is what they want. A woman has a right to be objectified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already know the answer to your question - you don’t need to apologize.

I’m guessing this type of argument where your husband tries to frame you as misunderstanding or “crazy” isn’t an isolated incident and that you are beat down by years of such arguments. The fact that your son intervened is a pretty big red flag.

I’m sorry. Hugs. It sucks to live this way.

+1. Btdt never ends. No one listens to him now and even his own tweens call him a hypocrite to his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand what is wrong in objectifying women if that is what they want. A woman has a right to be objectified.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand what is wrong in objectifying women if that is what they want. A woman has a right to be objectified.

The problem is generalizing.

Only objectify someone on an individual basis if it is clear that’s what they want. Ie a stripper, who is not pumped out or trafficked.

Listening to blue light song or whatever doesn’t mean I want to be objectified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop focusing on the content of the "debate". It's not healthy to debate with a spouse if you both have this type of personality.
Teach your children that you agree to disagree and disengage. Given the way you both want to prove the other wrong this will never end well.

Apologize to your husband, say you both felt strongly and have different opinions. don't teach your kids to be argumentative. everyone has a different opinion and perspective. the end.

Please do not apologize to your jerk husband!

The only way to deal with people like this is to completely gray rock them.

True

[Anonymous]

You married a narcissist with a fragile ego - sorry for you and your kids, that's no picnic.

I know because my mother married one, too. After a decade or so she just stopped talking except about things that were impossible to argue over - oh look, it's raining.

It was horrible watching him crush her spirit. I wouldn't let him crush mine so age 30 I just went no contact.

My brother sadly adopted his personality and behavior patterns, lost one wife because of it and the next wife was his enabler like our mother and I have little doubt he was tyrannical with his kids, too.

People who must be right or must play victim are impossible people to have a healthy relationship with. If he is like this all the time, think about the example you both are setting for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married a narcissist with a fragile ego - sorry for you and your kids, that's no picnic.

I know because my mother married one, too. After a decade or so she just stopped talking except about things that were impossible to argue over - oh look, it's raining.

It was horrible watching him crush her spirit. I wouldn't let him crush mine so age 30 I just went no contact.

My brother sadly adopted his personality and behavior patterns, lost one wife because of it and the next wife was his enabler like our mother and I have little doubt he was tyrannical with his kids, too.

People who must be right or must play victim are impossible people to have a healthy relationship with. If he is like this all the time, think about the example you both are setting for your kids.

Lol the mental gymnastics women will go through when men call them out for listening to whore anthems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a narcissist with a fragile ego - sorry for you and your kids, that's no picnic.

I know because my mother married one, too. After a decade or so she just stopped talking except about things that were impossible to argue over - oh look, it's raining.

It was horrible watching him crush her spirit. I wouldn't let him crush mine so age 30 I just went no contact.

My brother sadly adopted his personality and behavior patterns, lost one wife because of it and the next wife was his enabler like our mother and I have little doubt he was tyrannical with his kids, too.

People who must be right or must play victim are impossible people to have a healthy relationship with. If he is like this all the time, think about the example you both are setting for your kids.

Lol the mental gymnastics women will go through when men call them out for listening to whore anthems

With their children listening.

To be fair it's only a few posters who see reflections of their own dysfunction in any story about husbands and wives having disputes. And from some of their responses, I doubt many of them are even married or have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a narcissist with a fragile ego - sorry for you and your kids, that's no picnic.

I know because my mother married one, too. After a decade or so she just stopped talking except about things that were impossible to argue over - oh look, it's raining.

It was horrible watching him crush her spirit. I wouldn't let him crush mine so age 30 I just went no contact.

My brother sadly adopted his personality and behavior patterns, lost one wife because of it and the next wife was his enabler like our mother and I have little doubt he was tyrannical with his kids, too.

People who must be right or must play victim are impossible people to have a healthy relationship with. If he is like this all the time, think about the example you both are setting for your kids.

Lol the mental gymnastics women will go through when men call them out for listening to whore anthems

I know!
What on earth do these rapper guys and gals and their families actually talk about while dressing for and signing their “whore anthems”. It’s like a whole subculture. But yes, only pick on the women for listening.

What to do, what to do? Such mental gymnastics but so popular and populous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has periods of getting really into the manosphere online, and it will lead to these kinds of arguments. It always kind of throws me because I’m just listening to music or chatting about my day, and I’m caught off guard that it leads to a fight.

I’m so sorry, PP. That’s a disaster in the making. My college age son texted the family group chat about something “funny” Andrew Tate had said online. He was surprised by the instant negative reaction DH and I had. We ended up having a series of good conversations about it, though I’m not sure it sunk in. These idiots are talented at getting their claws into vulnerable boys and men.

OPs story has nothing to do with the maosphere or Tate or men's rights anything. Why can't you just admit that the pink pony club is a song about being a stripper?

Why can’t you just admit you’re a literalist and probably on the spectrum.

Alternative interpretation of OPs story: Her DH was upset that his wife was playing that song about being a stripper in front of their children because he doesn't want his kids to think its ok. So he criticized it. She realized she was wrong and got defensive. Then she runs to dcum to get validation. As expected, certain dcum posters started blaming men in general.

If that’s how her H felt, then he needs to be an adult and express how he actually feels. Later on, when they have time to talk, he can say “hey babe, I know you really like that song, it’s a good song, but I feel uncomfortable with it being played around the kids. I understand it’s about a gay bar but it can be interpreted as stripping and I’m afraid the kids will think it’s the green light to do sex work. Can we find a compromise where it’s not played around the kids?”

The passive-aggressive, picking a fight over the meaning of the song is not how adults communicate and just leads to anger and resentment rather than solutions. Better to be solution-oriented rather than have emotional outbursts.

Amazing read/post (sincerely). Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a narcissist with a fragile ego - sorry for you and your kids, that's no picnic.

I know because my mother married one, too. After a decade or so she just stopped talking except about things that were impossible to argue over - oh look, it's raining.

It was horrible watching him crush her spirit. I wouldn't let him crush mine so age 30 I just went no contact.

My brother sadly adopted his personality and behavior patterns, lost one wife because of it and the next wife was his enabler like our mother and I have little doubt he was tyrannical with his kids, too.

People who must be right or must play victim are impossible people to have a healthy relationship with. If he is like this all the time, think about the example you both are setting for your kids.

Lol the mental gymnastics women will go through when men call them out for listening to whore anthems

I know!
What on earth do these rapper guys and gals and their families actually talk about while dressing for and signing their “whore anthems”. It’s like a whole subculture. But yes, only pick on the women for listening.

What to do, what to do? Such mental gymnastics but so popular and populous.

Eh it's probably why Taylor Swift is so popular. You can pass her down to your kids and it's uncontroversial stuff for the most part. I don't listen to much of the stuff I grew up with. Immature, toxic, just outgrew it.