Need outside perspective on a fight with DH

[Anonymous]

He sounds not that bright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the song?

Made me wonder too. Made me think of Stripper Girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this as op and her husband both being stubborn asses who dug their heels in on an argument. Just because op is a women doesn’t give her some higher better voice on a misogynist song. You guys have toxicity and both should have dropped this. Shame on you both for bringing your kids into it.

exactly

[Anonymous]

Here’s how I see it:

Even if there are women who want to be objectified, even if most women want to be objectified only in certain contexts, that does NOT mean it is okay for men to objectify women without getting explicit consent.

Some men like to fight other men to the point they bleed, break bones, get concussions, or even die (boxers, MMA fighters, etc) Many men like to participate by watching these men fight, much like women may enjoy listening to certain songs. Many men may even fantasize about being able to participate in these fights. However, that does not mean these men have consented to other men fighting them without consent. Your H is essentially arguing that if a man enjoys watching MMA fights, a random man could come up, punch him in the face without warning, then claim “but you watch MMA fights! You’re confused! You men say one thing but act another!”

Reality is, adults should be able to understand there is nuance and navigate these situations. It’s not black/white.

[Anonymous]

Good for your son, op, to not just blindly follow your idiot dh. Impressed with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this as op and her husband both being stubborn asses who dug their heels in on an argument. Just because op is a women doesn’t give her some higher better voice on a misogynist song. You guys have toxicity and both should have dropped this. Shame on you both for bringing your kids into it.

But there was no argument as such. Op was just listening to a song and her husband started provoking her. How obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH might have been trying to empathize with you, “deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with.” when you said, “I’m good,” that’s dismissive. I would be upset if DH brushed me off like that because he could say, “that’s interesting, but that’s not my experience.” Also I’d argue that women DO get toxic messages: that’s they the Barbie speech went viral.

HOWEVER he started off with a judgement, so I can see why you might be dismissive because I would not like that comment either.

It sounds like you don’t have a matched communication style, or your DH is a total misogynist. Only you know.

I've accused him of being a misogynist before and that really blew him up. I don't think he is, but he says things that can really come off that way. He generally thinks 99 percent of women are deeply confused and broken and doesn't really understand their hypocrisy, or "gooey-ness" as he calls it. He's judgmental about things like spending any time or effort on make-up and clothes.

We've had past communication issues. It's gotten 95% better. He used to be a "win at all costs" arguer, and I used to just shut down when he'd say something purposely scathing or hurtful. He holds back now, and I've learned to stand my ground and express my boundaries better. But still not perfect.

“ He generally thinks 99 percent of women are deeply confused and broken” This seems like a deeply problematic opinion. I wouldn’t want to be married to or coparenting with someone who thinks so little of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need an outside perspective for a stupid fight I had with DH.

I was playing a song, and DH made a comment about it to basically crap on it. Something to the effect of how "you women" are so confused, that "you claim to not want to be objectified" but then "you like songs that are totally about objectifying women". It led to a disagreement - I disagreed that the song was objectifying - my interpretation was that it was about freedom to be who you wanted to be. He had a completely different take, and said it was about wanting to work as a stripper. I did not agree. He also said he was surprised my relative, who claims to be a "christian" likes the song also.

It led to a heated argument. He went on one of his rants as I call it - he says it is a logical argument. He says he only says this because he deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with. I said, "thanks for your sympathies - but really, I'M GOOD.". It led to some other B.S. arguments where he was just really trying to prove his point, and start talking circles around me with all of these "logical arguments".

The kids were listening and apparently getting tired of hearing it. My son looked up the meaning of the song and it basically lined up with my interpretation. But DH kept digging deeper to prove me wrong. I said, maybe you should apologize for making judgments about me. He said he wasn't judging me, he was referring to ALL women. Kept rambling on. Eventually acknowledged that I simply had a different interpretation of the song. I said, instead of attacking me with your litany of words, it would just be so much simpler if you just said "I'm sorry". He says "I'm sorry you have the complete wrong idea about what I'm trying to say--You always do this to me, you completely misinterpret my intention and it's really hurtful and offensive that you think so little of me." He started getting really upset.
I said "and you always turn everything around to make yourself the victim". On and on.

So honest opinions welcome. If I was in the wrong, I want to know. If I need to apologize, I will.

Pink Pony Club is a great song!

[Anonymous]

Once he made the comment, there was no need to reply other than to say, “good to know.” Why feed the animal?

[Anonymous]

Op, you were both so stupid to argue about this

It's good enough to know: we could get into a fight about something really *not* important. We could do that. We could wreak our marriage. We could wreak the happiness of our family. This could happen. This could really happen. By picking a fight with each other

It takes 2 to fight. So insignificant that you're "right."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need an outside perspective for a stupid fight I had with DH.

I was playing a song, and DH made a comment about it to basically crap on it. Something to the effect of how "you women" are so confused, that "you claim to not want to be objectified" but then "you like songs that are totally about objectifying women". It led to a disagreement - I disagreed that the song was objectifying - my interpretation was that it was about freedom to be who you wanted to be. He had a completely different take, and said it was about wanting to work as a stripper. I did not agree. He also said he was surprised my relative, who claims to be a "christian" likes the song also.

It led to a heated argument. He went on one of his rants as I call it - he says it is a logical argument. He says he only says this because he deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with. I said, "thanks for your sympathies - but really, I'M GOOD.". It led to some other B.S. arguments where he was just really trying to prove his point, and start talking circles around me with all of these "logical arguments".

The kids were listening and apparently getting tired of hearing it. My son looked up the meaning of the song and it basically lined up with my interpretation. But DH kept digging deeper to prove me wrong. I said, maybe you should apologize for making judgments about me. He said he wasn't judging me, he was referring to ALL women. Kept rambling on. Eventually acknowledged that I simply had a different interpretation of the song. I said, instead of attacking me with your litany of words, it would just be so much simpler if you just said "I'm sorry". He says "I'm sorry you have the complete wrong idea about what I'm trying to say--You always do this to me, you completely misinterpret my intention and it's really hurtful and offensive that you think so little of me." He started getting really upset.
I said "and you always turn everything around to make yourself the victim". On and on.

So honest opinions welcome. If I was in the wrong, I want to know. If I need to apologize, I will.

Pink Pony Club is a great song!

And Chappel is super-gay, which probably doesn’t align with what OP’s husband thinks

[Anonymous]

My DH has periods of getting really into the manosphere online, and it will lead to these kinds of arguments. It always kind of throws me because I’m just listening to music or chatting about my day, and I’m caught off guard that it leads to a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once he made the comment, there was no need to reply other than to say, “good to know.” Why feed the animal?

People don’t always reply perfectly in every situation. OP shouldn’t always have to live on guard that every random interaction with her husband could break out into a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I see it:

Even if there are women who want to be objectified, even if most women want to be objectified only in certain contexts, that does NOT mean it is okay for men to objectify women without getting explicit consent.

Some men like to fight other men to the point they bleed, break bones, get concussions, or even die (boxers, MMA fighters, etc) Many men like to participate by watching these men fight, much like women may enjoy listening to certain songs. Many men may even fantasize about being able to participate in these fights. However, that does not mean these men have consented to other men fighting them without consent. Your H is essentially arguing that if a man enjoys watching MMA fights, a random man could come up, punch him in the face without warning, then claim “but you watch MMA fights! You’re confused! You men say one thing but act another!”

Reality is, adults should be able to understand there is nuance and navigate these situations. It’s not black/white.

This is an very intelligent and insightful response. But there is a difference because men in general are not asking to be seen as sensitive pacifists. Women in general are asking to not be sexually objectified. And I don't care what the writer of the song says it means - the Pink Pony Club is a gentleman's club where the singer dances on a stage.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a HATER