Need outside perspective on a fight with DH

[Anonymous]

Need an outside perspective for a stupid fight I had with DH.

I was playing a song, and DH made a comment about it to basically crap on it. Something to the effect of how "you women" are so confused, that "you claim to not want to be objectified" but then "you like songs that are totally about objectifying women". It led to a disagreement - I disagreed that the song was objectifying - my interpretation was that it was about freedom to be who you wanted to be. He had a completely different take, and said it was about wanting to work as a stripper. I did not agree. He also said he was surprised my relative, who claims to be a "christian" likes the song also.

It led to a heated argument. He went on one of his rants as I call it - he says it is a logical argument. He says he only says this because he deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with. I said, "thanks for your sympathies - but really, I'M GOOD.". It led to some other B.S. arguments where he was just really trying to prove his point, and start talking circles around me with all of these "logical arguments".

The kids were listening and apparently getting tired of hearing it. My son looked up the meaning of the song and it basically lined up with my interpretation. But DH kept digging deeper to prove me wrong. I said, maybe you should apologize for making judgments about me. He said he wasn't judging me, he was referring to ALL women. Kept rambling on. Eventually acknowledged that I simply had a different interpretation of the song. I said, instead of attacking me with your litany of words, it would just be so much simpler if you just said "I'm sorry". He says "I'm sorry you have the complete wrong idea about what I'm trying to say--You always do this to me, you completely misinterpret my intention and it's really hurtful and offensive that you think so little of me." He started getting really upset.
I said "and you always turn everything around to make yourself the victim". On and on.

So honest opinions welcome. If I was in the wrong, I want to know. If I need to apologize, I will.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser. Sorry.

"He also said he was surprised my relative, who claims to be a "christian" likes..."

That is one of my pet peeve arguments that MAGA make.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you guys are having some bigger philosophical and maybe political disagreements.

[Anonymous]

What was the song?

[Anonymous]

OP, does this sound familiar? "The psychological dynamic of provoking someone and then claiming to be the victim is a manipulation tactic often seen in abusive relationships, especially involving narcissism. The abuser intentionally triggers a reactive or angry response from their target, then uses that reaction to portray themselves as the wronged party. "

[Anonymous]

You already know the answer to your question - you don’t need to apologize.

I’m guessing this type of argument where your husband tries to frame you as misunderstanding or “crazy” isn’t an isolated incident and that you are beat down by years of such arguments. The fact that your son intervened is a pretty big red flag.

I’m sorry. Hugs. It sucks to live this way.

[Anonymous]

I think you should stop focusing on the content of the "debate". It's not healthy to debate with a spouse if you both have this type of personality.
Teach your children that you agree to disagree and disengage. Given the way you both want to prove the other wrong this will never end well.

Apologize to your husband, say you both felt strongly and have different opinions. don't teach your kids to be argumentative. everyone has a different opinion and perspective. the end.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DH might have been trying to empathize with you, “deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with.” when you said, “I’m good,” that’s dismissive. I would be upset if DH brushed me off like that because he could say, “that’s interesting, but that’s not my experience.” Also I’d argue that women DO get toxic messages: that’s they the Barbie speech went viral.

HOWEVER he started off with a judgement, so I can see why you might be dismissive because I would not like that comment either.

It sounds like you don’t have a matched communication style, or your DH is a total misogynist. Only you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop focusing on the content of the "debate". It's not healthy to debate with a spouse if you both have this type of personality.
Teach your children that you agree to disagree and disengage. Given the way you both want to prove the other wrong this will never end well.

Apologize to your husband, say you both felt strongly and have different opinions. don't teach your kids to be argumentative. everyone has a different opinion and perspective. the end.

Please do not apologize to your jerk husband!

The only way to deal with people like this is to completely gray rock them.

[Anonymous]

Was it Pink Pony Club? Men seem to think it’s about wanting to be a stripper when it’s not at all. I would point out that his assumption it’s about stripping for men shows he’s the problem, that he’s assuming a song is about being objectified by men when it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH might have been trying to empathize with you, “deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with.” when you said, “I’m good,” that’s dismissive. I would be upset if DH brushed me off like that because he could say, “that’s interesting, but that’s not my experience.” Also I’d argue that women DO get toxic messages: that’s they the Barbie speech went viral.

HOWEVER he started off with a judgement, so I can see why you might be dismissive because I would not like that comment either.

It sounds like you don’t have a matched communication style, or your DH is a total misogynist. Only you know.

I've accused him of being a misogynist before and that really blew him up. I don't think he is, but he says things that can really come off that way. He generally thinks 99 percent of women are deeply confused and broken and doesn't really understand their hypocrisy, or "gooey-ness" as he calls it. He's judgmental about things like spending any time or effort on make-up and clothes.

We've had past communication issues. It's gotten 95% better. He used to be a "win at all costs" arguer, and I used to just shut down when he'd say something purposely scathing or hurtful. He holds back now, and I've learned to stand my ground and express my boundaries better. But still not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it Pink Pony Club? Men seem to think it’s about wanting to be a stripper when it’s not at all. I would point out that his assumption it’s about stripping for men shows he’s the problem, that he’s assuming a song is about being objectified by men when it’s not.

Trust me, that argument will get nowhere!

[Anonymous]

I read this as op and her husband both being stubborn asses who dug their heels in on an argument. Just because op is a women doesn’t give her some higher better voice on a misogynist song. You guys have toxicity and both should have dropped this. Shame on you both for bringing your kids into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH might have been trying to empathize with you, “deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with.” when you said, “I’m good,” that’s dismissive. I would be upset if DH brushed me off like that because he could say, “that’s interesting, but that’s not my experience.” Also I’d argue that women DO get toxic messages: that’s they the Barbie speech went viral.

HOWEVER he started off with a judgement, so I can see why you might be dismissive because I would not like that comment either.

It sounds like you don’t have a matched communication style, or your DH is a total misogynist. Only you know.

I've accused him of being a misogynist before and that really blew him up. I don't think he is, but he says things that can really come off that way. He generally thinks 99 percent of women are deeply confused and broken and doesn't really understand their hypocrisy, or "gooey-ness" as he calls it. He's judgmental about things like spending any time or effort on make-up and clothes.

We've had past communication issues. It's gotten 95% better. He used to be a "win at all costs" arguer, and I used to just shut down when he'd say something purposely scathing or hurtful. He holds back now, and I've learned to stand my ground and express my boundaries better. But still not perfect.

Op you sound like just as much a pain as your dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need an outside perspective for a stupid fight I had with DH.

I was playing a song, and DH made a comment about it to basically crap on it. Something to the effect of how "you women" are so confused, that "you claim to not want to be objectified" but then "you like songs that are totally about objectifying women". It led to a disagreement - I disagreed that the song was objectifying - my interpretation was that it was about freedom to be who you wanted to be. He had a completely different take, and said it was about wanting to work as a stripper. I did not agree. He also said he was surprised my relative, who claims to be a "christian" likes the song also.

It led to a heated argument. He went on one of his rants as I call it - he says it is a logical argument. He says he only says this because he deeply sympathizes with the absolute tragedy of women's utter confusion with these toxic messages that they are bombarded with. I said, "thanks for your sympathies - but really, I'M GOOD.". It led to some other B.S. arguments where he was just really trying to prove his point, and start talking circles around me with all of these "logical arguments".

The kids were listening and apparently getting tired of hearing it. My son looked up the meaning of the song and it basically lined up with my interpretation. But DH kept digging deeper to prove me wrong. I said, maybe you should apologize for making judgments about me. He said he wasn't judging me, he was referring to ALL women. Kept rambling on. Eventually acknowledged that I simply had a different interpretation of the song. I said, instead of attacking me with your litany of words, it would just be so much simpler if you just said "I'm sorry". He says "I'm sorry you have the complete wrong idea about what I'm trying to say--You always do this to me, you completely misinterpret my intention and it's really hurtful and offensive that you think so little of me." He started getting really upset.
I said "and you always turn everything around to make yourself the victim". On and on.

So honest opinions welcome. If I was in the wrong, I want to know. If I need to apologize, I will.

Since you’re keeping score, did you win?

Because that’s all that matters.