Are those of you with very arrogant, condescending kids aware of it? Does it bother you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree it wasn't a great example. I actually changed details because I didn't want to use the real comments on here in case people who were there read it. I didn't realize we were going to get into an argument about whether North Face is high end, lol.

In context, the second kid was definitely making a point about how his possession was higher end and therefore better. He wasn't being literal -- he was offended that his friend had indicated that they had "matching" possessions because the brand/cost was important to the second kid. Several people present cringed, not just me, but the parents just smiled. I thought it was weird.

Kids are late elementary.

I'm trying to think of other examples. I've seen kids make comments about travel sports versus rec. I met a kid recently who made a big deal about taking ballet at the WSB instead of a smaller studio. I've heard kids brag about vacations. Their parents cars.

To be clear, I've also heard my kids make comments like this. I do not tolerate it. If my kid says something like this, I say something immediately about how the difference they might be highlighting doesn't matter, or I go out of my way to compliment the other kid or ask about their activity or whatever. I don't put my kid down or yell at them, but I course correct and show them how to be inclusive and kind. I am surprised when parents are silent in these moments. It comes off as tacit acceptance of the behavior. I think sometimes the kids don't realize it's rude, but that's all the more reason to do something. I don't want my kids becoming the kind of adults who do this kind of thing.

I’ve definitely heard kids say it about rec v travel sports. My dd told me one of the boys in her middle school gym class was outraged that he lost a 3-on-3 PE soccer game to her and her 2 rec-playing friends bc he played “actual, real, travel soccer.” We had a good laugh about it and I made sure she understood what a racket the pay to play travel sports industry is.

I have a rising 9th grader. He plays basketball and trying to make the freshmen team this winter. He played travel and AAU. I think only 15 boys will make the team and my kid may not even make it. I don’t think classifying a kid as rec or travel is meant to be negative. My kids play tennis and they will ask UTR. My daughter dances, but not competitively. I have had moms ask, basically trying to gauge how good of a dancer my daughter is. I don’t feel bad at all that my DD is not a competitive dancer.

I think the people who feel bad are the ones who are insecure. My kids don’t feel bad wearing the same thing over and over again or playing rec soccer or non competitive dance. When my basketball son tried out for basketball and didn’t make a team, he felt bad. I did not think better players were being snobby. They were just better players/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree it wasn't a great example. I actually changed details because I didn't want to use the real comments on here in case people who were there read it. I didn't realize we were going to get into an argument about whether North Face is high end, lol.

In context, the second kid was definitely making a point about how his possession was higher end and therefore better. He wasn't being literal -- he was offended that his friend had indicated that they had "matching" possessions because the brand/cost was important to the second kid. Several people present cringed, not just me, but the parents just smiled. I thought it was weird.

Kids are late elementary.

I'm trying to think of other examples. I've seen kids make comments about travel sports versus rec. I met a kid recently who made a big deal about taking ballet at the WSB instead of a smaller studio. I've heard kids brag about vacations. Their parents cars.

To be clear, I've also heard my kids make comments like this. I do not tolerate it. If my kid says something like this, I say something immediately about how the difference they might be highlighting doesn't matter, or I go out of my way to compliment the other kid or ask about their activity or whatever. I don't put my kid down or yell at them, but I course correct and show them how to be inclusive and kind. I am surprised when parents are silent in these moments. It comes off as tacit acceptance of the behavior. I think sometimes the kids don't realize it's rude, but that's all the more reason to do something. I don't want my kids becoming the kind of adults who do this kind of thing.

I’ve definitely heard kids say it about rec v travel sports. My dd told me one of the boys in her middle school gym class was outraged that he lost a 3-on-3 PE soccer game to her and her 2 rec-playing friends bc he played “actual, real, travel soccer.” We had a good laugh about it and I made sure she understood what a racket the pay to play travel sports industry is.

I have a rising 9th grader. He plays basketball and trying to make the freshmen team this winter. He played travel and AAU. I think only 15 boys will make the team and my kid may not even make it. I don’t think classifying a kid as rec or travel is meant to be negative. My kids play tennis and they will ask UTR. My daughter dances, but not competitively. I have had moms ask, basically trying to gauge how good of a dancer my daughter is. I don’t feel bad at all that my DD is not a competitive dancer.

I think the people who feel bad are the ones who are insecure. My kids don’t feel bad wearing the same thing over and over again or playing rec soccer or non competitive dance. When my basketball son tried out for basketball and didn’t make a team, he felt bad. I did not think better players were being snobby. They were just better players/

But the question is not about whether people are raising insecure kids. It's about rudeness.

Yes, a kid who feels bad when another child points out his jacket isn't the right brand, or he's doing rec not travel, is probably insecure. That is an issue that he and his parents probably need to work on.

But a child who goes out if their way to point out differences like this, or worse, teases or criticizes kids over these differences, is rude. It's rude whether the other kid feels bad or not.

Manners is largely about being respectful and kind towards others. If your words and actions evoke insecurity, shame, or embarrassment in others, you have poor manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree it wasn't a great example. I actually changed details because I didn't want to use the real comments on here in case people who were there read it. I didn't realize we were going to get into an argument about whether North Face is high end, lol.

In context, the second kid was definitely making a point about how his possession was higher end and therefore better. He wasn't being literal -- he was offended that his friend had indicated that they had "matching" possessions because the brand/cost was important to the second kid. Several people present cringed, not just me, but the parents just smiled. I thought it was weird.

Kids are late elementary.

I'm trying to think of other examples. I've seen kids make comments about travel sports versus rec. I met a kid recently who made a big deal about taking ballet at the WSB instead of a smaller studio. I've heard kids brag about vacations. Their parents cars.

To be clear, I've also heard my kids make comments like this. I do not tolerate it. If my kid says something like this, I say something immediately about how the difference they might be highlighting doesn't matter, or I go out of my way to compliment the other kid or ask about their activity or whatever. I don't put my kid down or yell at them, but I course correct and show them how to be inclusive and kind. I am surprised when parents are silent in these moments. It comes off as tacit acceptance of the behavior. I think sometimes the kids don't realize it's rude, but that's all the more reason to do something. I don't want my kids becoming the kind of adults who do this kind of thing.

I’ve definitely heard kids say it about rec v travel sports. My dd told me one of the boys in her middle school gym class was outraged that he lost a 3-on-3 PE soccer game to her and her 2 rec-playing friends bc he played “actual, real, travel soccer.” We had a good laugh about it and I made sure she understood what a racket the pay to play travel sports industry is.

I have a rising 9th grader. He plays basketball and trying to make the freshmen team this winter. He played travel and AAU. I think only 15 boys will make the team and my kid may not even make it. I don’t think classifying a kid as rec or travel is meant to be negative. My kids play tennis and they will ask UTR. My daughter dances, but not competitively. I have had moms ask, basically trying to gauge how good of a dancer my daughter is. I don’t feel bad at all that my DD is not a competitive dancer.

I think the people who feel bad are the ones who are insecure. My kids don’t feel bad wearing the same thing over and over again or playing rec soccer or non competitive dance. When my basketball son tried out for basketball and didn’t make a team, he felt bad. I did not think better players were being snobby. They were just better players/

But the question is not about whether people are raising insecure kids. It's about rudeness.

Yes, a kid who feels bad when another child points out his jacket isn't the right brand, or he's doing rec not travel, is probably insecure. That is an issue that he and his parents probably need to work on.

But a child who goes out if their way to point out differences like this, or worse, teases or criticizes kids over these differences, is rude. It's rude whether the other kid feels bad or not.

Manners is largely about being respectful and kind towards others. If your words and actions evoke insecurity, shame, or embarrassment in others, you have poor manners.

There are a lot of jerks in the world. OP’s kid better get a thicker skin because it gets a lot worse than a brand name jacket or rec vs travel.

By high school, I don’t think the top kids point out that a kid is lesser than. There is no need to point out someone is worse at a sport or is in a lower math class. Also, many of those travel sport kids will get cut from JV and varsity so they will also shut up about it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Some kids are just annoying/immature. My teenage daughter's best friend is an annoying know it all. It's all I can do sometimes to keep my mouth shut. But I can also see quite clearly this comes from a place of deep insecurity. Her parents are very aware of it, and correct her (and complain to us about it too!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree it wasn't a great example. I actually changed details because I didn't want to use the real comments on here in case people who were there read it. I didn't realize we were going to get into an argument about whether North Face is high end, lol.

In context, the second kid was definitely making a point about how his possession was higher end and therefore better. He wasn't being literal -- he was offended that his friend had indicated that they had "matching" possessions because the brand/cost was important to the second kid. Several people present cringed, not just me, but the parents just smiled. I thought it was weird.

Kids are late elementary.

I'm trying to think of other examples. I've seen kids make comments about travel sports versus rec. I met a kid recently who made a big deal about taking ballet at the WSB instead of a smaller studio. I've heard kids brag about vacations. Their parents cars.

To be clear, I've also heard my kids make comments like this. I do not tolerate it. If my kid says something like this, I say something immediately about how the difference they might be highlighting doesn't matter, or I go out of my way to compliment the other kid or ask about their activity or whatever. I don't put my kid down or yell at them, but I course correct and show them how to be inclusive and kind. I am surprised when parents are silent in these moments. It comes off as tacit acceptance of the behavior. I think sometimes the kids don't realize it's rude, but that's all the more reason to do something. I don't want my kids becoming the kind of adults who do this kind of thing.

I’ve definitely heard kids say it about rec v travel sports. My dd told me one of the boys in her middle school gym class was outraged that he lost a 3-on-3 PE soccer game to her and her 2 rec-playing friends bc he played “actual, real, travel soccer.” We had a good laugh about it and I made sure she understood what a racket the pay to play travel sports industry is.

I have a rising 9th grader. He plays basketball and trying to make the freshmen team this winter. He played travel and AAU. I think only 15 boys will make the team and my kid may not even make it. I don’t think classifying a kid as rec or travel is meant to be negative. My kids play tennis and they will ask UTR. My daughter dances, but not competitively. I have had moms ask, basically trying to gauge how good of a dancer my daughter is. I don’t feel bad at all that my DD is not a competitive dancer.

I think the people who feel bad are the ones who are insecure. My kids don’t feel bad wearing the same thing over and over again or playing rec soccer or non competitive dance. When my basketball son tried out for basketball and didn’t make a team, he felt bad. I did not think better players were being snobby. They were just better players/

But the question is not about whether people are raising insecure kids. It's about rudeness.

Yes, a kid who feels bad when another child points out his jacket isn't the right brand, or he's doing rec not travel, is probably insecure. That is an issue that he and his parents probably need to work on.

But a child who goes out if their way to point out differences like this, or worse, teases or criticizes kids over these differences, is rude. It's rude whether the other kid feels bad or not.

Manners is largely about being respectful and kind towards others. If your words and actions evoke insecurity, shame, or embarrassment in others, you have poor manners.

There are a lot of jerks in the world. OP’s kid better get a thicker skin because it gets a lot worse than a brand name jacket or rec vs travel.

By high school, I don’t think the top kids point out that a kid is lesser than. There is no need to point out someone is worse at a sport or is in a lower math class. Also, many of those travel sport kids will get cut from JV and varsity so they will also shut up about it.

OP didn't say her kid was upset. It doesn't even sound like the comments she's heard were directed at her kid.

It's just rude. These sorts of comments don't offend me, but they bother me because it's poor manners. It's like a person chewing with their mouth open or cutting in line. I'm not going to get worked up about it, but when I see this behavior a lot, I think it's unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The US is a place of bad manners now, OP. And for many people it has no consequence.

Look at the guy who won the White House. Twice.

Kids today have only known power in the US to include the very rude Donald Trump.

This.

They this it's cute and funny or worse that it shows confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're raising our kids in an environment where most of their peers (and I do mean most) have gone to Disney multiple times, have flown to another city (often internationally) to see the Eras tour, all have e-bikes or scooters, playstations/x-boxes, the latest apple devices, ski or snowboard in the winter, play multiple expensive sports or ride horses, competitive dance, etc. and have all the accoutrements that go along with the aforementioned things.

I can't tell you how many times I've had a child at my house or in my car offhandedly expresses distaste when someone does not have or does not participate in one of these things. It's less about bragging or oneupmanship than it is a lack of awareness of any other type of life experience. This is really how snobs are bred.

It doesn’t really matter where you come from or your environment. I grew up in a small MC midwestern town. Some people were UMC and some were LMC. Most people were solidly in the middle. No one was really rich or poor. There was a lot of this type of oneupmanship as kids. The more homogeneous the group, the more individuals look for tiny differences and magnifies them.

[Anonymous]

I know a kid like this. She was really smart and precocious and also insecure and awkward socially. She would say things to my kid in the car like "Why is it taking you so long to read Chamber of Secrets? I read it in 1 and a half days!" This was the moment my kid stopped reading Harry Potter, which was annoying to me as the parent.

This kids parents were lovely and working on it. People have different gifts, hers was that she was really smart but she didn't get humility with it...or she wanted to double down on something she felt successful at because a lot of school (recess, stuff like that) she did not. Hopefully she has outgrown this but in this case, the kids parents were aware and knew it was an issue and would correct her if they heard.

[Anonymous]

It’s lazy parenting to say “oh my kid is just exposed to such nice things they can’t help it!”

My daughter is extremely well travelled for her age, as as long as she’s been verbal we’ve explained when we talk about trips with our friends we talk about people first not places.

I.e. I went to see my grandfather for Christmas Not I went to Switzerland for Christmas, I went on a trip with my mother for her work Not I spent a week in Hawaii. If someone wants to know where you’ve been they’ll ask.

Not only is this better manners it helps kids focus on things they have in common like family not ways to make distinctions like money or brands. As they’re older they understand about empathy but when they’re young, their parents need to teach them good manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s lazy parenting to say “oh my kid is just exposed to such nice things they can’t help it!”

My daughter is extremely well travelled for her age, as as long as she’s been verbal we’ve explained when we talk about trips with our friends we talk about people first not places.

I.e. I went to see my grandfather for Christmas Not I went to Switzerland for Christmas, I went on a trip with my mother for her work Not I spent a week in Hawaii. If someone wants to know where you’ve been they’ll ask.

Not only is this better manners it helps kids focus on things they have in common like family not ways to make distinctions like money or brands. As they’re older they understand about empathy but when they’re young, their parents need to teach them good manners.

This is good advice. Especially the part about encouraging your kids to find things they have in common with peers, to help them connect. Instead of focusing on what makes them "better" than others. This will help them make and keep friends, and find a sense of belonging. That's much, much more productive then trying to justify their bragging and comparing as normal or criticizing kids who are put off by it as insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s lazy parenting to say “oh my kid is just exposed to such nice things they can’t help it!”

My daughter is extremely well travelled for her age, as as long as she’s been verbal we’ve explained when we talk about trips with our friends we talk about people first not places.

I.e. I went to see my grandfather for Christmas Not I went to Switzerland for Christmas, I went on a trip with my mother for her work Not I spent a week in Hawaii. If someone wants to know where you’ve been they’ll ask.

Not only is this better manners it helps kids focus on things they have in common like family not ways to make distinctions like money or brands. As they’re older they understand about empathy but when they’re young, their parents need to teach them good manners.

This is kind of forced. We travel as a family of three.
"What did you do over Christmas break?"
"I went on a trip with my parents." (yes, like everyone else...)

People want to know what you did over break. If you stayed at home or saw Christmas lights an hour away, fine. If you flew to see London and Paris, fine. It's not inherently better or braggy to just come out and say you went to Hawaii or Switzerland than to say you went to Montana. You're forcing the value judgment on there by avoiding the subject. It's like people who say they went to school just outside of Boston or "in Cambridge". We get it, you went to Harvard. Just say it. It's more holier-than-thou and braggy to try to spare someone's feelings through your assumption that you are superior!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s lazy parenting to say “oh my kid is just exposed to such nice things they can’t help it!”

My daughter is extremely well travelled for her age, as as long as she’s been verbal we’ve explained when we talk about trips with our friends we talk about people first not places.

I.e. I went to see my grandfather for Christmas Not I went to Switzerland for Christmas, I went on a trip with my mother for her work Not I spent a week in Hawaii. If someone wants to know where you’ve been they’ll ask.

Not only is this better manners it helps kids focus on things they have in common like family not ways to make distinctions like money or brands. As they’re older they understand about empathy but when they’re young, their parents need to teach them good manners.

This is kind of forced. We travel as a family of three.
"What did you do over Christmas break?"
"I went on a trip with my parents." (yes, like everyone else...)

People want to know what you did over break. If you stayed at home or saw Christmas lights an hour away, fine. If you flew to see London and Paris, fine. It's not inherently better or braggy to just come out and say you went to Hawaii or Switzerland than to say you went to Montana. You're forcing the value judgment on there by avoiding the subject. It's like people who say they went to school just outside of Boston or "in Cambridge". We get it, you went to Harvard. Just say it. It's more holier-than-thou and braggy to try to spare someone's feelings through your assumption that you are superior!)

All manners are forced, especially for little kids. As they’re older they understand you say “please” to show respect for the person you’re speaking to, when they’re three they say “please” because you tell them to.

When a three year old says they went on a trip with their parents who is it you think *really* cares that they went to London? Who do you think is that invested? When they’re older if someone is that interested they’ll say “oh where did you go?” when they’re three yes the point is they ARE like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? The example you gave wouldn’t be something I’d notice. The kid is stating a fact (they’re different brands).

If the jackets are both the same shade of green, then they match regardless of brand and it's weird and rude for the second kid to draw a distinction based on the brand.

That's also definitely a learned behavior. The kid is conscious of the brand and the idea that it is nicer/more expensive.Thats coming from parents.

Probably not much of a learned behavior. Kids have access to a ton of information. Group think is strong. Remember what kids were snobby about when you were kids? Did that come from your parents? My parents weren’t aware of all that.

Kids like brands that aren’t remotely relevant to us. They’re capable of following their own group think.

16 yr olds, yes -- brand preferences are influenced more by media and peers. But younger kids are mimicing parents. I also know adults who insist on referring to their belongings by brand -- "I left my Patagonia in the Audi" -- and kids will pick up on that and mimic it as part of language learning. If an elementary school kid is very aware of and vocal about brands, that probably coming from family culture.

I have many jackets and we have four cars. I may describe item with brand. However, I can’t imagine in what scenario I would say this to another person. I may tell DH that I left my black Patagonia or blue montcler in the Lexus. Could he please get it. I may say our son left his Celtics sweatshirt or blue Nikes. I’m not sure how else to describe the item.

Lol if you are needing to specify "blue montcler" to distinguish it from your other montclers, then yes you are a brand snob and your kids are picking up on it and probably copying it. Overconsumption of luxury goods is part of brand snobbery and kids especially absorb that kind of behavior and it becomes normal to them to have, for instance, multiple of the same luxury item in different colors, without any awareness that this is a level of luxury and consumption accessible to less than 1% of the global population.

This is how rich kids become horrible snobs, because they don't even realize what they are doign is snobbery or condescending. They don't understand their own privilege and wealth. It is your job as their parent to give them context and help them understand that your lifestyle is atypical and they need to learn to be thoughtful and self-aware. But then... that requires you to be thoughtful and self-aware. Are you?

I struggle with this but at early elementary school ages, kids don’t really know any better. The other day someone brought up chocolate dessert and my kid blurted out “I like Belgian chocolate the best.” He doesn’t know that couldn’t be seen as snobby. He also happily scarfs down Twix and supermarket brownies and whatever else of course. We traveled to Belgium and did a chocolate tasting workshop over spring break and that’s where the comment came from.

Another time we went out to dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant (for a special occasional, not because this is a regular occurrence for us) and the server said “This next course is garnished with caviar from xyz…” I think to signal to us that my kid might want to skip this course. But he smiled at her and said, “I love caviar!”

Our issue is primarily with food and culture (not luxury clothing), but how do you get a kid to read the room if all the upscale things we have experienced are completely normal to him?

By modeling it. FWIW, neither of the examples you gave read as snobby to me -- it's just a kid who has been exposed to some nice stuff and liked it. That's fine.

There's a difference between just saying "I love [expensive thing]!" and saying to a peer "I have more expensive/luxurious belongings than you." It's okay to like nice things. It's condescending to act like having more expensive belongings makes you a superior person. And that nuance will come from your behavior and how you talk about these luxury experiences you are sharing with your kid. And also how you talk about other people, especially people who don't have access to the same lifestyle you do. Your kid is soaking it all up.

I’m the pp with blue Montcler. My kids are well traveled and eat well. I’m proud of how cultured they are. They have friends who only eat chicken fingers and pizza. We don’t act snobby towards them. I cater to their tastes. One kid used to never eat at my house and DS told me that Johnny only eats chicken fingers. Whenever he comes over, I make sure I serve some type of chicken.

It’s a Moncler jacket. People keep misspelling it so I thought someone should speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a kid like this. She was really smart and precocious and also insecure and awkward socially. She would say things to my kid in the car like "Why is it taking you so long to read Chamber of Secrets? I read it in 1 and a half days!" This was the moment my kid stopped reading Harry Potter, which was annoying to me as the parent.

This kids parents were lovely and working on it. People have different gifts, hers was that she was really smart but she didn't get humility with it...or she wanted to double down on something she felt successful at because a lot of school (recess, stuff like that) she did not. Hopefully she has outgrown this but in this case, the kids parents were aware and knew it was an issue and would correct her if they heard.

Bragging about reading fast is the worst. I wish your child said “So What?” Excuse me, I have a variety of daily activities and can’t spend 8 hours over 2 days to read Harry Potter. I’ll probably take about 2-3 weeks to finish it based on my schedule. Plus I like to take my time and really enjoy the book.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it's the parents who are listening to these exchanges that are insecure. Not the kids.