Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A birth is literally once in a lifetime, a birthday is once a year.

Exactly. This is a no-brainer. You go see the newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A birth is literally once in a lifetime, a birthday is once a year.

Exactly. This is a no-brainer. You go see the newborn.

Grandma has already missed the birth. Day 3 isn’t different than day 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A birth is literally once in a lifetime, a birthday is once a year.

Exactly. This is a no-brainer. You go see the newborn.

Grandma has already missed the birth. Day 3 isn’t different than day 2.

This. Trip was made for the birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

You’re probably right. And then the next generation of kids — including the newborn and the one whose small family party now has an empty chair for grandma — will be impacted by this ongoing, problematic family pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A birth is literally once in a lifetime, a birthday is once a year.

Exactly. This is a no-brainer. You go see the newborn.

Grandma has already missed the birth. Day 3 isn’t different than day 2.

That’s my thought. The difference is only a big deal if they choose to make it one.

[Anonymous]

I’d do both. Birthday party first, then go see baby the day after. 6h drive would be worth it for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

I am the laid back one who spend childhood and adulthood going along as mom did backflips to accommodate the difficult one. Mom ended up reinforcing the entitled behavior so much she created a monster who cannot get long with other moms, lost her job, cannot make relationships work and I had to distance myself because she expected me to cater when mom could not. My kids also became very aware the other grandkids got favoritism. Assuming there is no medical emergency and I assume there is a spouse there...I see no reason why this can't wait a day or 2 so mom can honor her other commitment. Be very gracious about it and share your excitement that she invited you. Make sure when you plan to come works for her. If you are worried about her and her spouse enough and can afford it, offer to hire a night nurse or mother's helper for the interim.

If you are having a tantrum or sulking about grandma visiting a newborn the day after the baby is born and missing a young child’s birthday party to do so, you are in no way “laid back.”

This whole family seems filled with terribly behaved people, however, so your behavior would probably just be inline with the rest of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

There is, however, something manipulative about saying that it’s visit absolutely hast to be tomorrow, and no other day will do. “The end.?” Are you the newborn’s Mom? Lol

Precisely. Mom and baby are fine. No need to rush to see them. The party was planned. Grandma can visit the baby the next day.

[Anonymous]

I think new mom is being unreasonable wanting to only have the grandma on the day of the niece’s birthday party. Surely she knows when the niece's birthday is?

But I do think there’s value in visiting in the hospital.

I would visit the new mom in the hospital but I’m sure everyone else will think she’s being pushy not wanting mom the day of birth and only wanting her on the day of the other grandkids birthday party. I’m most likely your daughter who had kids and my mom drops everything to do what my dysfunctional and pushy little sister wants, because otherwise she gets cut off easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is the is a question
The newborn will be there another day

You made a commitment OP stop being ridiculous


If this is the only day you can visit the newborn then don’t because that’s not a relationship that’s a manipulation

This is my read as well. OP seems to not want to answer questions which would clarify. That is, is newborn baby in hospital, or at home with the new mom? Is this a first baby for this mom, and is the mom at home with a partner who can help?

I would kindly explain that I can’t come on that day but will be there the next, and will help out etc. I am done with being manipulated by people, and this sounds just like that to me with conflicting demands. One kid has been on good terms with you and is a reasonable human- respect how wonderful that is, and prioritize them.

The a mom and baby were still in the hospital at the time of the ask. No medical issues. There is a husband in the picture who is a great guy and has time off work.

I’m the PP above who said that this entire family is clearly a family of adult toddlers, and this doesn’t change anything for me.

There is no time just like the immediate post-partum period for women, and a woman’s own mother is going to understand more than even a great guy of a husband. It is a uniquely female experience. This isn’t about the newborn. It is about the mom. Passive-aggressive sulker sister should have the brains to understand that. But this family is clearly filled with ridiculous people across the board so common sense is in short supply.

No sweetheart your entire family does not have to capitulate to your whims because you had a baby. Especially when you and baby are fine. Especially when it's not your first child. Especially when you have already promised to go to the other grandchild birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

Yep. Grandma created this manipulative child and will keep reinforcing the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think new mom is being unreasonable wanting to only have the grandma on the day of the niece’s birthday party. Surely she knows when the niece's birthday is?

But I do think there’s value in visiting in the hospital.

I would visit the new mom in the hospital but I’m sure everyone else will think she’s being pushy not wanting mom the day of birth and only wanting her on the day of the other grandkids birthday party. I’m most likely your daughter who had kids and my mom drops everything to do what my dysfunctional and pushy little sister wants, because otherwise she gets cut off easily.

If course she knows and she's manufacturing drama. And it won't stop this year. The cousins now have birthdays near each other so there will be dueling parties.

But honestly this is ops fault if she has played favorites with her daughters as she was raising them she wouldn't be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

There is, however, something manipulative about saying that it’s visit absolutely hast to be tomorrow, and no other day will do. “The end.?” Are you the newborn’s Mom? Lol

Precisely. Mom and baby are fine. No need to rush to see them. The party was planned. Grandma can visit the baby the next day.

They probably won’t be in the hospital the next day and I suspect the mom wants an in-hospital visit — neutral ground for someone who has had estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is the is a question
The newborn will be there another day

You made a commitment OP stop being ridiculous


If this is the only day you can visit the newborn then don’t because that’s not a relationship that’s a manipulation

This is my read as well. OP seems to not want to answer questions which would clarify. That is, is newborn baby in hospital, or at home with the new mom? Is this a first baby for this mom, and is the mom at home with a partner who can help?

I would kindly explain that I can’t come on that day but will be there the next, and will help out etc. I am done with being manipulated by people, and this sounds just like that to me with conflicting demands. One kid has been on good terms with you and is a reasonable human- respect how wonderful that is, and prioritize them.

The a mom and baby were still in the hospital at the time of the ask. No medical issues. There is a husband in the picture who is a great guy and has time off work.

I’m the PP above who said that this entire family is clearly a family of adult toddlers, and this doesn’t change anything for me.

There is no time just like the immediate post-partum period for women, and a woman’s own mother is going to understand more than even a great guy of a husband. It is a uniquely female experience. This isn’t about the newborn. It is about the mom. Passive-aggressive sulker sister should have the brains to understand that. But this family is clearly filled with ridiculous people across the board so common sense is in short supply.

No sweetheart your entire family does not have to capitulate to your whims because you had a baby. Especially when you and baby are fine. Especially when it's not your first child. Especially when you have already promised to go to the other grandchild birthday

Oh, stop your childish tantrums.

God, the adult monsters that are created over children’s birthday parties are so ridiculous.