Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

1. It's not manputative to have a baby early or to have a desire to have your mom come and see your new baby ASAP.

2. Newborn mom may especially want a visit because her DH will need to be tending to older kids.

3. Given semi-estrangement, does newborn mom even know about the party? I'm not estranged from my sibling, but I live a fair distance away and they don't tell me about birthday parties they're having.

[Anonymous]

Any adult getting upset over attendance of another adult to a young child’s birthday party is an immature narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go to the party and next day to new grandchild. Be kind to your kid or you may never have a chance at a relationship with that new grandchild

I’d go see newborn before the birthday party to try not and look like play favorites. Birthday party is schedule. Visit can be arranged for another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

1. It's not manputative to have a baby early or to have a desire to have your mom come and see your new baby ASAP.

2. Newborn mom may especially want a visit because her DH will need to be tending to older kids.

3. Given semi-estrangement, does newborn mom even know about the party? I'm not estranged from my sibling, but I live a fair distance away and they don't tell me about birthday parties they're having.

If you have been estranged from your mother and you expect her to drop the birthday of your sister’s child and refuse to allow the mother to come on day 3 instead of day 2? Manipulative AF. We will only reunite on my strict terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

I honestly don’t understand why this is the answer. Visiting the next day is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

I honestly don’t understand why this is the answer. Visiting the next day is fine.

First, because she likely will have gone home the next day. OP says this is a normal birth. Basically a next-day visit is a hospital visit, after that it’s a home visit. These are different things. Second, it’s quite normal to want to see your own mother who birthed you after you give birth, as soon as possible. It is very, very narcissistic and weird to expect to elevate a child’s birthday party over that. There is simply no rational world where a young child’s birthday party should be expected to take precedence over seeing, visiting, and taking care of a new mother and her newborn.

It should be as simple as “Your cousin was born, so Grandma can’t come to your party. She needs to care for your aunt and your new cousin. Hurray, you have a new cousin!” But this family seems incapable of mature interactions across the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

I honestly don’t understand why this is the answer. Visiting the next day is fine.

First, because she likely will have gone home the next day. OP says this is a normal birth. Basically a next-day visit is a hospital visit, after that it’s a home visit. These are different things. Second, it’s quite normal to want to see your own mother who birthed you after you give birth, as soon as possible. It is very, very narcissistic and weird to expect to elevate a child’s birthday party over that. There is simply no rational world where a young child’s birthday party should be expected to take precedence over seeing, visiting, and taking care of a new mother and her newborn.

It should be as simple as “Your cousin was born, so Grandma can’t come to your party. She needs to care for your aunt and your new cousin. Hurray, you have a new cousin!” But this family seems incapable of mature interactions across the board.

grandma doesn't need to care for the mom. The mom has other children and a perfectly capable husband and since mom and baby are healthy they will likely already be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

1. What was the argument about?

to prior cancellations? Has this grandparent always cancelled on birthday child's parent specifically to accommodate the other sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

No, but it is manipulative and selfish to insist that visit be on the same day as her niece or nephews party.

[Anonymous]

I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

No, but it is manipulative and selfish to insist that visit be on the same day as her niece or nephews party.

This is a ridiculously narcissistic viewpoint. It is the birthday party of a three-year-old, by definition irrelevant. The baby was born early and that was probably scary. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

That’s because you are a normal, mature adult. That seems to be something missing in this family.