Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

I am the laid back one who spend childhood and adulthood going along as mom did backflips to accommodate the difficult one. Mom ended up reinforcing the entitled behavior so much she created a monster who cannot get long with other moms, lost her job, cannot make relationships work and I had to distance myself because she expected me to cater when mom could not. My kids also became very aware the other grandkids got favoritism. Assuming there is no medical emergency and I assume there is a spouse there...I see no reason why this can't wait a day or 2 so mom can honor her other commitment. Be very gracious about it and share your excitement that she invited you. Make sure when you plan to come works for her. If you are worried about her and her spouse enough and can afford it, offer to hire a night nurse or mother's helper for the interim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

You don't think she will figure it out? You don't punish the adult child who has a decent disposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

The baby was JUST born? A day before the party? The newborn wins here. Any grandma who declined to visit their brand new grandchild because an older grandchild was having a birthday party is making a real statement. I'd cancel the birthday party and celebrate the newborn! If the birthday kid isn't old enough to know the difference, which it seems like they arent.

100% this.

Cancel the birthday party??? This is a child with friends and those friends have parents who carved out time to likely bring their kid and possibly stay there and purchase a gift . The newborn doesn't care. Is this a single mother? Is her husband or wife not able to take off a few days from work to help until grandma comes? This is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

[Anonymous]

Visit the newborn. Any parent would understand.

As a mom of a newborn I’d prefer you not attend a party right before holding my baby for germ fears!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You committed to party. New baby visit has to wait.

This is a ridiculous POV. Nature doesn’t work like that. Baby was born early. Life happens and it’s ok to not make the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

She might have thought she could do it alone and is feeling overwhelmed and hormonal, even if they have had a distant relationship. Of course she wants her mom. Normal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Birthday kid will remember. Newborn won't. See baby another day.

OP wrote “the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you are thrilled to be invited. You made plans to be at the birthday party and can be there on x day if that is OK with the mom. Make sure it is-give her control, but not so much control you bail on the family you already committed to.

Awesome comment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

She might have thought she could do it alone and is feeling overwhelmed and hormonal, even if they have had a distant relationship. Of course she wants her mom. Normal!

💯 especially if there was a chill or difficult conversation before; she now wants her mom and wants grandma to meet and love new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

Your sibling would know that you are both immature and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you are thrilled to be invited. You made plans to be at the birthday party and can be there on x day if that is OK with the mom. Make sure it is-give her control, but not so much control you bail on the family you already committed to.

Awesome comment!

A great way to phrase it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.