I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

Don’t take marital advice from people in unhappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: and actually very true. Most of the feminists I know end up in unhappy marriages or divorced. Those in unequal though not super unbalanced marriages are much happier. They’re just jealous!

WTF are you talking about? Are you a handsmaid? Or an incel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would be surprised if a first time parent with an infant wasn't feeling overwhelmed on his first solo weekend with the baby who was mostly cared by the parent on maternity leave.

I'm a woman and I felt overwhelmed the first time my husband had a work trip and I had our twins by myself. I know he felt the same way when I was gone. But we both figured it out. There's feeling overwhelmed and then there's being helpless/useless.

Me too, only I had singles. She’s on a girls trip with people she barely knows. It doesn’t sound like DH’s husband’s questions were terrible. So all of this sounds like a good set up.

I think it’s the fact that OP is still gushing over her husband when people hit rough patches later along the way. So basically there is a lot of cynicism/just you wait sentiment in that group and in the comments here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: and actually very true. Most of the feminists I know end up in unhappy marriages or divorced. Those in unequal though not super unbalanced marriages are much happier. They’re just jealous!

WTF are you talking about? Are you a handsmaid? Or an incel?

Newsflash, it's 2025. The "incel" insult you trot out every third post doesn't work anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

+1

Many men get tired of these wives and cheat or divorce. Not all. But definitely a non-zero number.

Or, they see the wives of other men. And those wives don’t let themselves go and have a good career. As these men progress professionally, they outgrow their tradwives. Again, not all.

But I’ve seen it several times.

This. Some men really love the ego-fluffing and convenience of having this kind of wife. They get to be told they're amazing and they don't have to do even close to 50% of the parenting or chores. But of course, that comes with tradeoffs-- income, prestige, and having someone they think is more interesting (not saying you can't be interesting as a SAHM, just that some men feel that way). Sometimes as men grow older and mature, being told they're amazing rings hollow because they know they're pretty average, and it makes them lose a respect for their wife if they think she truly believes it. As men move up in their career, they meet women with impressive careers and men whose wives have impressive careers and earnings at the same time as raising children, and it makes them wonder why they don't have that in their marriage. And the loss of a wife's good income starts to bother them more as they come to understand how it affects their lifetime trajectory.

Of course I've seen it go the other way too, sometimes men think they want the two-career feel but actually prefer the ego boost and convenience of a more old-fashioned division of labor. It just depends what kind of guy he is and what their circumstances are.

Anyway, OP, eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to the love of my life going on 3 years. We have been together for almost 6. I had a girls trip and I was told I’m a “ doormat” by some of them for how much I do for my husband. They made chiding jokes about it. I was taken aback by the comment and have been reflecting ever since. I know their comments shouldn’t hold weight but they do. I don’t want to change a thing because I adore my husband and our system works but I question if I really am a doormat.

As long as you are happy, system works for and benefits your life and he appreciates and reciprocates as much as he can, who cares what anyone thinks.

np I think it is ok to be happy with your life but, also realize that you are still early on in the parenting. Do you really want to be the expert and have him rely on you for 18 years? It is ok for him to figure things out and do things differently with the baby! You have to encourage him that he is more than capable of handling the baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

I’m not going back to work FT. I was asked if I worked or something like that and I said I did. I’ve worked FT until I went on maternity leave. I will be working from home PT.

My husband is amazing. He works really hard and that’s why I was able to take an extended maternity leave and now work PT. He encourages me to take time for myself like going to get my hair done, get a message, go on trip with friends. I don’t worry about taking out the trash or any outside work or repairs because he handles it all.

I think maybe they find you a little goo-goo about your husband. Is he amazing and works really hard, or is he pretty much a regular person? It seems like he works a normal amount. Oh wow he takes out the trash, amazing! Really? He sounds like he's doing a normal amount or slightly less, and when women praise men for that, it's annoying.

Ask yourself whose workload will change if you have a second kid. That is what they're trying to tell you. Your setup is not sustainable.

OP here. He’s amazing to me and that’s what matters. He treats me really well. He works 9-11 hour days. Makes a lot of money compared to me but doesn’t ever make me feel like it’s his money. He doesn’t care what I spend and encourages me to.

I hate taking out the trash. He takes care of that and any repairs and yard work. I never have to ask.

He’s funny, reliable, attentive, sexy, and a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

OP here. I know some women married to men who let them know that they make the majority of the money. My husband makes significantly more and has never made me feel like his money isn’t my money. I spend whatever without question. I’m not extravagant but I know some women who have to ask their husbands for money.

My husband bought me my dream home. He likes it but he’s never been that into a home. I wanted it and he bought it for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

OP here. He does but newborns are unpredictable and he had questions.

My son ate more than expected so he wanted to know if he should use the last of breast milk or feed formula. He’s 100% breastfeed normally so we weren’t sure how much he takes.

My husband is very particular and wanted to do exactly what I do to keep the routine the same. My son didn’t nap as well as he’s usually does and he had some questions about keeping him up or putting him to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

OP here. This. My husband is a great dad when he’s home but he works a lot. Most nights my son is already asleep before he gets home and wakes up after he leaves for work. He sees him on the weekends and that’s about it unless he has a day he works from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

OP here. I know some women married to men who let them know that they make the majority of the money. My husband makes significantly more and has never made me feel like his money isn’t my money. I spend whatever without question. I’m not extravagant but I know some women who have to ask their husbands for money.

My husband bought me my dream home. He likes it but he’s never been that into a home. I wanted it and he bought it for us.

It seems like it's still "his" money in your head though. That's what people are trying to tell you-- he's not amazing if it still feels like it's his money. It's supposed to be both of yours. Not his money that he allows you to spend. Even the most benevolent patriarch is still a patriarch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

OP here. This. My husband is a great dad when he’s home but he works a lot. Most nights my son is already asleep before he gets home and wakes up after he leaves for work. He sees him on the weekends and that’s about it unless he has a day he works from home.

Wowie wow wow, what an amazing father! Two days a week of face time. No wonder you're super happy with your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

I’m not going back to work FT. I was asked if I worked or something like that and I said I did. I’ve worked FT until I went on maternity leave. I will be working from home PT.

My husband is amazing. He works really hard and that’s why I was able to take an extended maternity leave and now work PT. He encourages me to take time for myself like going to get my hair done, get a message, go on trip with friends. I don’t worry about taking out the trash or any outside work or repairs because he handles it all.

I think maybe they find you a little goo-goo about your husband. Is he amazing and works really hard, or is he pretty much a regular person? It seems like he works a normal amount. Oh wow he takes out the trash, amazing! Really? He sounds like he's doing a normal amount or slightly less, and when women praise men for that, it's annoying.

Ask yourself whose workload will change if you have a second kid. That is what they're trying to tell you. Your setup is not sustainable.

OP here. He’s amazing to me and that’s what matters. He treats me really well. He works 9-11 hour days. Makes a lot of money compared to me but doesn’t ever make me feel like it’s his money. He doesn’t care what I spend and encourages me to.

I hate taking out the trash. He takes care of that and any repairs and yard work. I never have to ask.

He’s funny, reliable, attentive, sexy, and a good man.

Right so, a lot of people work long hours and are nice to their wife and do less than half of the chores. It's not really "amazing". j

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

Agree, it sounds like daddy bought the little girl the doll she had seen in the store window. Her phrasing was “a tell.”

OP has old fashioned or childlike views. If she is going back to work, she needs to approach her husband as an equal partner and negotiate a division if home and child care (could include outsourcing, of say cleaning). She will realize this when she is trying ton”do it all.” Her friends undoubtedly meant well.

I’m the OP. Ew and that’s creepy. I’m adult and have an adult view of the world. He’s not my “ daddy”.

We share finances and it’s both ours. He doesn’t care much ahoy homes so he bought the one I wanted the most. I only said that because I know women who have to run every purchase by their husbands. I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

I’m not going back to work FT. I was asked if I worked or something like that and I said I did. I’ve worked FT until I went on maternity leave. I will be working from home PT.

My husband is amazing. He works really hard and that’s why I was able to take an extended maternity leave and now work PT. He encourages me to take time for myself like going to get my hair done, get a message, go on trip with friends. I don’t worry about taking out the trash or any outside work or repairs because he handles it all.

What is your childcare plan when you are working from home part time?

I was able to take four months of maternity leave because I saved my leave and planned ahead, not because I was dependent on a man to pay for it. I'm happily married (15 years) and my husband is my equal partner in all ways so I'm not jealous of your set up (it actually sounds dangerous because you're going to be financially dependent on this guy).

Your post just sounds very 1950s to me. If that works for you, then that's fine. I just hope you're protected in all ways should he decide he no longer wants to be married to you.

OP here. I am more traditional and I don’t mind it. I like my career but I’ve always wanted to be a wife and a mother first.

I will be going back to work 20 hours a week. We have lots of family help.

My husband won’t F me over but I’m good. I came into the marriage with a large savings account that I worked for since I was a teen. I’ve invested some and kept the other in a savings account. He told me to keep it for myself. We used joint funds from me working and his savings to buy our home. My name is on everything. I fully trust my husband.