I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They tried to sow doubt in your mind. If you listen and believe them, it’s the beginning of the end of your happy relationship with your husband.
Stay away from them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

I’m not going back to work FT. I was asked if I worked or something like that and I said I did. I’ve worked FT until I went on maternity leave. I will be working from home PT.

My husband is amazing. He works really hard and that’s why I was able to take an extended maternity leave and now work PT. He encourages me to take time for myself like going to get my hair done, get a message, go on trip with friends. I don’t worry about taking out the trash or any outside work or repairs because he handles it all.

What is your childcare plan when you are working from home part time?

I was able to take four months of maternity leave because I saved my leave and planned ahead, not because I was dependent on a man to pay for it. I'm happily married (15 years) and my husband is my equal partner in all ways so I'm not jealous of your set up (it actually sounds dangerous because you're going to be financially dependent on this guy).

Your post just sounds very 1950s to me. If that works for you, then that's fine. I just hope you're protected in all ways should he decide he no longer wants to be married to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

I think the people were ridiculous to criticize your husband for texting too much. Babies get antsy when their mom disappears. My husband was a very hand-on dad and when they were little and I needed to go to an evening event, my toddler and baby would sometimes be very upset and I'd arrive home and have to settle them down. Also babies tend to have a lot of gear and logistics to keep track of.

I never went on a "girls trip" when I had little kids. The fact that you got to go on one is already a good sign.

And a vagina makes you better at keeping track of all that?

OP's husband apparently has an important job that he is good at but he can't keep track of a diaper bag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard for a friend group to function when some members are edging towards tradwife and others are expecting men to be equal partners and not verbally f*llating them to others just for having a job and doing outside chores.

I think this is absolutely true. I've discovered that by this age (45) all my close friends (many from K-12 and beyond, so not recent) all have similar lives to mine - we work, our husbands are great dads, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

Why isn't he doing bedtime some nights after being gone at work all day? Or at least doing it together? Or is he sitting back in his leather chair watching the news with an Old Fashioned in his hand while OP does everything because he worked so hard all day?

[Anonymous]

You got called a doormat by people who hardly know you and know little about how your relationship works. You learned that these are people you don't need to be spending extended time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

Yep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would be surprised if a first time parent with an infant wasn't feeling overwhelmed on his first solo weekend with the baby who was mostly cared by the parent on maternity leave.

I'm a woman and I felt overwhelmed the first time my husband had a work trip and I had our twins by myself. I know he felt the same way when I was gone. But we both figured it out. There's feeling overwhelmed and then there's being helpless/useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

+1

I’m glad you’re content, OP. And the women should’ve been nicer.

But after a few years and multiple kids, this setup gets old. Men start to slip and women get more stuff piled on. Maternity leave isn’t the “real world.”

This. The whole "my amazing husband works sooooo hard and deserves a nice hot meal while I pet his biceps" song and dance doesn't last long.

But but but he bought her the house she wanted!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it better to text and confirm, why take unnecessary risks? Everyone is texting everyone all the time for way trivial reasons.

Really? Are you one of those people who is on their phone constantly? It's annoying to spend time with people like that. I've always done multiple trips with my girlfriends since college and when we're together, we're not on our phones answering questions from our husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

I had a work trip when our twins were 4 months old and my husband didn't call or text to ask me anything, so honestly your husband sounds like a bit of a loser but at least he didn't forbid you from going on the trip so there's that.

Work trip is different than leisure trip. However, posters here are upset all the time about their BF or husband not checking up on them while away.

While OP sounds like a unicorn in today's world and might need better division of responsibilities once back to work, texting each other for whatever reason isn't a red flag.

Ok, well I went on a girls' trip when they were six months old, does that help? When they were the exact age of OP's baby I was on a trip, the fact that it happened to be for work instead of fun isn't relevant to the fact that my husband didn't text me all day asking me questions he should know or be able to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They tried to sow doubt in your mind. If you listen and believe them, it’s the beginning of the end of your happy relationship with your husband.
Stay away from them.

+1

What kind of people do you hang out with that they try to sow discord in your life? I mean really, do you not have any actual friends? I have never experienced this with any of my friends ever in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

+1

Many men get tired of these wives and cheat or divorce. Not all. But definitely a non-zero number.

Or, they see the wives of other men. And those wives don’t let themselves go and have a good career. As these men progress professionally, they outgrow their tradwives. Again, not all.

But I’ve seen it several times.

[Anonymous]

These are people you don't know very well who are going through a divorce. Why is this living rent free in your mind? Also, did they call you a doormat or say, "don't be a doormat" or "be careful to not become a doormat" -- because there's a difference.