How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

I nod politely when others complain about the baby phase, or the toddler phase, or the tween phase, or the teen phase, but the reality is that I've enjoyed every minute of all of them, so I can't relate at all. One of my children was born with special needs and needed a ton of therapies, hand-holding, home training and accompaniment, but that was a labor of love. Another of my children woke up at least 6 times a night every night for the first two years of her life. It was fine.

I think some adults are born to be parents and love the job, and others love their children but not the actual work involved. I knew I wanted to be a parent when I was 16. I married young and had my first in grad school. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

Yeah I agree- what a narcissistic post.

Gauging “specialness” is stupid. Your singleton is just as special as anyone’s child, but your inference that having additional children diminishes the “specialness” of your relationship fails to recognize that parents of multiple kids get to enjoy the amazing gift of knowing and seeing their children be siblings. Frankly I don’t believe that undivided attention does many positives for kids, but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I’m always a little afraid to share my story with people like OP but it might be a useful data point for her. I had a tough first birth and a colicky baby. I struggled with PPD for fully a year and my first took until preschool to reliably sleep through the night. Still, once he was two and a half, we thought it had to be easier the second time around. Plus, I wasn’t getting any younger and we had agreed to have two kids when we got engaged.

Well, I had a devastating hemorrhage from the birth and needed a transfusion. And I had PPD again but much more severe. I was hospitalized for it, cycled through medications that didn’t work, and had to take medical leave to do an outpatient therapy program again once I had returned to work. I spent every day in the grip of terrible fear. It just wouldn’t stop. I had the best psychiatrists and a loving spouse. Six months ago I tried ketamine therapy and finally got some relief. My second had just turned 3. I feel like I barely know her and my career is in tatters. I love my children and I hope to someday have more perspective on my situation. But if you aren’t sure you want a second, it’s okay to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

The sad thing about this response is that you see the sibling relationship through the prism of competition and scarce resources instead of an opportunity to learn, share resources, and provide comfort and emotional support.

+1. PP could be unusually needy or have had narcissistic parents. Sucks for her but stable people who come from nice, normal families mostly have positive memories of sibling-parent relationships. I say this as someone with a narcissist and an enabler for parents so sucks for me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

The sad thing about this response is that you see the sibling relationship through the prism of competition and scarce resources instead of an opportunity to learn, share resources, and provide comfort and emotional support.

+1. PP could be unusually needy or have had narcissistic parents. Sucks for her but stable people who come from nice, normal families mostly have positive memories of sibling-parent relationships. I say this as someone with a narcissist and an enabler for parents so sucks for me too.

These are bizarrely judgmental responses to someone who literally just said she's happy with her family and has a good relationship with her child. It's also a huge leap from "I didn't like the competition I personally experienced with siblings as a kid" to "must be very needy or parent is a narcissist."

Also lots of stable people didn't or don't have amazing relationships with their siblings. If you don't know this, get out more. I'd say about half my friends have good-to-great relationships with siblings and half have bad-to-subpar. And they are all stable, good people (they wouldn't be my friends otherwise). I also have two friends who are only children and they are happy, well-adjusted people who have great relationships with their parents. I think here are good things and downsides to both having siblings and being an only, both in childhood and in adulthood.

The world is a complex place. It takes all kinds. There is no perfect family set up. Just have the number of kids that works for you and then love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m always a little afraid to share my story with people like OP but it might be a useful data point for her. I had a tough first birth and a colicky baby. I struggled with PPD for fully a year and my first took until preschool to reliably sleep through the night. Still, once he was two and a half, we thought it had to be easier the second time around. Plus, I wasn’t getting any younger and we had agreed to have two kids when we got engaged.

Well, I had a devastating hemorrhage from the birth and needed a transfusion. And I had PPD again but much more severe. I was hospitalized for it, cycled through medications that didn’t work, and had to take medical leave to do an outpatient therapy program again once I had returned to work. I spent every day in the grip of terrible fear. It just wouldn’t stop. I had the best psychiatrists and a loving spouse. Six months ago I tried ketamine therapy and finally got some relief. My second had just turned 3. I feel like I barely know her and my career is in tatters. I love my children and I hope to someday have more perspective on my situation. But if you aren’t sure you want a second, it’s okay to have one.

Sending love, PP. I also had very bad PPD too and it's really hard. I wish there was more support for women. Honestly I wish our whole culture around childbirth and early motherhood was different because it shouldn't be like this.

I also think it's important to share your story because it's real. PPD can be a big deal. People should know.

Wishing you and your family well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

I actually found it interesting and relevant to the conversation. For me the take away is that siblings for the sake of siblings is NOT a good reason to have more kids. But that doesn't mean siblings are bad. They could be great. But not automatically so, so you better be ready to parent multiple kids and do the work to foster positive relationships.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. I sometimes felt there must be something wrong with me because everyone around me was having more kids and I couldn't even imagine doing such a thing. I'd have dreams about being pregnant again and wake up in a cold sweat, so relieved that it was only a dream.

I was a SAH mom too and didn't get a break until he started nursery school. In hindsight, it would have been good to bring him to a babysitter a few hours a week for a little down time but I hated to spend the money since I wasn't bringing any in.

I have a great relationship with my sibling but I'm well aware of my own limits. I have never wavered on the decision to stick with one and he's now a wonderful young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

I actually found it interesting and relevant to the conversation. For me the take away is that siblings for the sake of siblings is NOT a good reason to have more kids. But that doesn't mean siblings are bad. They could be great. But not automatically so, so you better be ready to parent multiple kids and do the work to foster positive relationships.

Did you think that siblings for the sake of siblings WAS a good reason to have more kids before you read the article?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

I actually found it interesting and relevant to the conversation. For me the take away is that siblings for the sake of siblings is NOT a good reason to have more kids. But that doesn't mean siblings are bad. They could be great. But not automatically so, so you better be ready to parent multiple kids and do the work to foster positive relationships.

Did you think that siblings for the sake of siblings WAS a good reason to have more kids before you read the article?

Of course not, but it has been implied several times on this thread and people have said that giving a child siblings is the "best thing" you can do. This is obviously not true. Siblings are only beneficial if the sibling relationships are good. Otherwise they are a negative in terms of mental health.

So perhaps we should not all be encouraging someone like OP, who does not feel that she wants additional kids, to have them. Maybe OP would be better off having one kid and being the best mom she can be to that one kid, rather than having additional kids out of a sense of obligation (a vague cultural belief that families "need" more than one child) when her expressed desire is to stay with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

The sad thing about this response is that you see the sibling relationship through the prism of competition and scarce resources instead of an opportunity to learn, share resources, and provide comfort and emotional support.

+1. PP could be unusually needy or have had narcissistic parents. Sucks for her but stable people who come from nice, normal families mostly have positive memories of sibling-parent relationships. I say this as someone with a narcissist and an enabler for parents so sucks for me too.

These are bizarrely judgmental responses to someone who literally just said she's happy with her family and has a good relationship with her child. It's also a huge leap from "I didn't like the competition I personally experienced with siblings as a kid" to "must be very needy or parent is a narcissist."

Also lots of stable people didn't or don't have amazing relationships with their siblings. If you don't know this, get out more. I'd say about half my friends have good-to-great relationships with siblings and half have bad-to-subpar. And they are all stable, good people (they wouldn't be my friends otherwise). I also have two friends who are only children and they are happy, well-adjusted people who have great relationships with their parents. I think here are good things and downsides to both having siblings and being an only, both in childhood and in adulthood.

The world is a complex place. It takes all kinds. There is no perfect family set up. Just have the number of kids that works for you and then love them.

It’s not normal to have “subpar” relationships with family unless there’s serious mental/personality issues in the family. I’m not surprised you don’t know this as your post reads narcissistic and un-self aware. You could take your own advice and try to enlighten yourself but it’s unlikely to work.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, DCUM cannot discuss siblings and only children without it turning into a toxic cesspool of judgment. If you don’t want another child, don’t have one. Either way, your child will be great as long as they’re loved. Nobody owes their child a sibling and the only reason to have a baby is because you want to raise another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

I actually found it interesting and relevant to the conversation. For me the take away is that siblings for the sake of siblings is NOT a good reason to have more kids. But that doesn't mean siblings are bad. They could be great. But not automatically so, so you better be ready to parent multiple kids and do the work to foster positive relationships.

Did you think that siblings for the sake of siblings WAS a good reason to have more kids before you read the article?

Of course not, but it has been implied several times on this thread and people have said that giving a child siblings is the "best thing" you can do. This is obviously not true. Siblings are only beneficial if the sibling relationships are good. Otherwise they are a negative in terms of mental health.

So perhaps we should not all be encouraging someone like OP, who does not feel that she wants additional kids, to have them. Maybe OP would be better off having one kid and being the best mom she can be to that one kid, rather than having additional kids out of a sense of obligation (a vague cultural belief that families "need" more than one child) when her expressed desire is to stay with one.

Absolutely. I totally agree with all of this (I'd even leave off "perhaps" and "maybe" in the second paragraph). But, I still don't think the article really provides anything new. And "the best thing" folks just keep right on believing despite people continually responding that, sometimes, it isn't.

[Anonymous]

I am pregnant with #5 and still don't like babies 😆 To me kids get more fun the older they get (so far--my oldest is still in elementary school). Not being a baby person doesn't mean you aren't cut out for more than one kid. I'd just give it some time and see how you feel. You don't have to make any permanent decisions.