I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is Christian but not religious

I’m 34, almost 35, and my SO is 35. Every year my family (~20) gets a beach house for the holidays. They have a rule about unmarried couples staying in the same bed…yadda yadda. Whatever, fine. Now, this idea to all come together was my mom and her sister’s idea - There’s 5 sisters. Unfortunately, my mom passed away three months so this season will be first holiday without her. So knowing their no sleeping in the same bed rule, out of courtesy, I contacted my aunt ( the one who paid for the house this year) to ask if it’s okay to bring my SO just for one night (we have the house for a week).

She said to ask her husband, by marriage. That, “he would love it for you to ask him. Also, all of the other nephews were required to ask him as well”. The nephews with SO are 19 years old by the way….

I honestly this is incredibly weird and off putting. I’m 34, and why do I need to defer to another man who isn’t my dad?
I had to be the black sheep and sound like a brat but this makes me not want to spend that much time there if I’m going to be treated like a child.

Am I just being a brat, or is this a pretty weird ask of my aunt?

By the way, my family met my SO last month and loved him. The uncle in question turns out is really, really close to my SO’s family, so this isn’t because they dislike him.

I would be concerned that your aunt is being abused or controlled by her husband. This is very worrying for a grown woman to feel she isn’t in a place to make a judgement call about this without his input. Can you find a way to gently ask how she’s doing?

There’s nothing wrong with the aunt. She sounds like someone who’s incapable of saying NO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is Christian but not religious

I’m 34, almost 35, and my SO is 35. Every year my family (~20) gets a beach house for the holidays. They have a rule about unmarried couples staying in the same bed…yadda yadda. Whatever, fine. Now, this idea to all come together was my mom and her sister’s idea - There’s 5 sisters. Unfortunately, my mom passed away three months so this season will be first holiday without her. So knowing their no sleeping in the same bed rule, out of courtesy, I contacted my aunt ( the one who paid for the house this year) to ask if it’s okay to bring my SO just for one night (we have the house for a week).

She said to ask her husband, by marriage. That, “he would love it for you to ask him. Also, all of the other nephews were required to ask him as well”. The nephews with SO are 19 years old by the way….

I honestly this is incredibly weird and off putting. I’m 34, and why do I need to defer to another man who isn’t my dad?
I had to be the black sheep and sound like a brat but this makes me not want to spend that much time there if I’m going to be treated like a child.

Am I just being a brat, or is this a pretty weird ask of my aunt?

By the way, my family met my SO last month and loved him. The uncle in question turns out is really, really close to my SO’s family, so this isn’t because they dislike him.

This alone is so gross I would never stay there. The kind of man who “would love” to be asked permission about the personal conduct of a young unmarried woman in his family belongs in 1614, or Saudi Arabia.

[Anonymous]

Your family is weird. Don't go if you don't like their weird rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

Exactly. Don’t find the behavior of the payer weird when you are in your 30s and mooching off your aunt!

Mooching? She’s paying for entire family, so I guess the entire family are mooches then?

[Anonymous]

I would just get my own place. They can have their strange rules, but you are an adult so stay in a hotel or rent a place and live under your own rules on vacation.

[Anonymous]

So don’t go. He who has the gold makes the rules.

[Anonymous]

Do you have your own room there? If so, message your family and say, we’ll be there from x to y, looking forward to seeing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them he’ll be coming with you or you won’t be coming. Don’t say it as a threat, just say it matter of factly. This is your life partner and you want to spend the holidays with him.

This. At age 34, why are you still participating in this? Stay somewhere else or don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you ever paid yourself, or was it your mother/parents who paid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you paid for the whole giant house?

That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…

Wrong. She said “we” rotate. If by “we” she means her parents and not her, then she’s still a child and has to do what the aunt says. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

Exactly. Don’t find the behavior of the payer weird when you are in your 30s and mooching off your aunt!

It sounds like this is what happens in their family. Families take turns paying for beach houses each year. I don’t see a problem with that.

[Anonymous]

If there are children/teens in the house, it's setting an example. It could be. Even some liberal adults may not want the younger ones to think, that in the eyes of their parents, that this is ok.

OR it could be that -any- additional guest (relationship context unimportant) needs the ok from someone or a specific small group of someones. They've been tasked with management of the house. They've probably written up guidelines/rules. It's a thankless task. If rules are followed, the hope is decisions are equitable to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you paid for the whole giant house?

That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…

Wrong. She said “we” rotate. If by “we” she means her parents and not her, then she’s still a child and has to do what the aunt says. End of story.

I guarantee if her dad brings a new girlfriend next year they wouldn’t say anything to him or one of the other aunts does the same, even though they’d be unmarried guests who didn’t pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you paid for the whole giant house?

That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…

Wrong. She said “we” rotate. If by “we” she means her parents and not her, then she’s still a child and has to do what the aunt says. End of story.

No, she’s not still a child. Not paying doesn’t mean you get to treat an adult as a child. You graciously pay or you ask others to chip in. Money doesn’t give you the right to be condescending.

[Anonymous]

Are there going to be children/teens there? I can see how they might not like you having a SO, especially one they just met, sleeping in bed with you when their kids are around. It can be an awkward thing to have to discuss if they have traditional views of marriage and want children in the family to follow along.

Not agreeing with them, but can see their point outside of religion.