I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay there. Because I'd refuse to ask. I'm a grown woman. I'm not going to ask a man permission to sleep with whoever I want to. (Except the man I want to sleep with.)

+1

[Anonymous]

Obviously, because you didn’t pay or plan for the house! You don’t get to invite others without their permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be a problem for me if they're generally pleasant people.

Because with such people, unmarried people that are of a younger generation than theirs are categorized as "young", with fewer rights than the Smug Marrieds. There is no "+1" in such a household if you're not joined at the hip. You need to ask permission of the host. The hosts are two people, and you need to ask one of them in particular, since apparently the other defers to him. Here it happens to be the man of the house.

I know this smacks of patriarchy and misogyny (because it IS), but honestly I can see their point of view. It's old-fashioned, but there's a logic to it: they want to encourage marriage and stability and don't particularly appreciate a revolving door of casual girlfriends or boyfriends in their home.

If your boyfriend was a long-term partner, you'd do well to push back, and explain that you are committed to each other and will share a bed, even if you have personal reasons to reject the sacrament of marriage. But you only introduced him to your family last month. To the world, this is a casual boyfriend, and they will rightfully treat him as such: courteously, but at arms' length.

I can see what you’re saying but this aunt and uncle dated for 14 years and lived together before getting married One sister had a baby at 16. The other eloped with a man my grandfather hated, so the encouraging marriage thing doesn’t stick.

The boyfriend is a long term partner. At 34 I’m not bringing home anyone casual, especially since the last boyfriend that I brought around was when I was 22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, because you didn’t pay or plan for the house! You don’t get to invite others without their permission.

What are you going on about? I DID ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

You did NOTHING wrong. I think your plan to go for a couple of days for your dad and mom is perfect. Some of these posters are incapable of reading.

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

Correct, and her Golden Rule is go ask her husband for permission...because She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

The easy answer is to rent an AirBnB on your own right down the block and go hang with the family when you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

I did ask and they have met. The husband is really close to my SO’s family. My boyfriend’s uncle has stayed at their house *forehead smack, so this makes it even more weird.

I absolutely think it’s catered to his ego. She’s always been the breadwinner (nothing wrong with that) and I think because she paid for all of it, if not most of it, she wants him to feel like a man? I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:They’re treating you like a child because you’re living your life like one. You are much too old to be playing house. Grow up and get married already!

Where did she say they live together "playing house"? You need to take your own advice, grow up, and learn how to read.

Also, there is nothing wrong with living together IF they are. You're just an idiot.

Sleeping together under the same roof is what husbands and wives are entitled to automatically. OP seems to be mistaken as to the religious status of her family. They have a no sleeping in the same bed rule—what does she mean they are Christian but not religious? They clearly are both Christian and religious.

I mean they’re not religious because I can’t tell you the last time they went to church, brought up God, etc. outside of the no sleeping in the same bed unmarried and praying before eating…that’s as Christian as they get.

Those two things are religious practices, and just two that you know of. If you don’t want to follow their rules then don’t go. It’s a free country!

Stop it. They’re clearly not that religious if they’re allowing 19 year old boys to bring their girlfriends to spend the night. No matter this is an overreaching power move. She’s not a child.

Their 19 year olds (also not children) would have to follow the same unmarried bed rule as her. They did it just fine somehow without calling their beloved and generous aunt/mother grieving the loss of her sister a weirdo patriarchal hypocrite. Not saying OP did but the posters in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

This is what would bug me. She's asking her aunt by blood. Aunt should answer. If she wants to defer to her husband, fine. She can ask him and let OP know. Just like if one of the uncles' blood relatives wanted to ask, he could ask his uncle, and the uncle could consult with the aunt, or not, whatever works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

Another who never learned to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.


Correct, and her Golden Rule is go ask her husband for permission...because She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

The easy answer is to rent an AirBnB on your own right down the block and go hang with the family when you want.

This. I find your aunt's response weird, patriarchal and misogynistic, but if they are paying for the house, they can be that way. Get your own place or do what you proposed and go alone for a much shorter amount of time.

[Anonymous]

No this is BS OP.

Forget all the stupid rules for a second. It’s your first Christmas without your mom, who recently passed and they want you to jump through hoops? For a time that’ll be difficult for you and your SO can potentially ease the pain with his presence? This is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re treating you like a child because you’re living your life like one. You are much too old to be playing house. Grow up and get married already!

Where did she say they live together "playing house"? You need to take your own advice, grow up, and learn how to read.

Also, there is nothing wrong with living together IF they are. You're just an idiot.

Sleeping together under the same roof is what husbands and wives are entitled to automatically. OP seems to be mistaken as to the religious status of her family. They have a no sleeping in the same bed rule—what does she mean they are Christian but not religious? They clearly are both Christian and religious.

I mean they’re not religious because I can’t tell you the last time they went to church, brought up God, etc. outside of the no sleeping in the same bed unmarried and praying before eating…that’s as Christian as they get.

Those two things are religious practices, and just two that you know of. If you don’t want to follow their rules then don’t go. It’s a free country!

Stop it. They’re clearly not that religious if they’re allowing 19 year old boys to bring their girlfriends to spend the night. No matter this is an overreaching power move. She’s not a child.

Their 19 year olds (also not children) would have to follow the same unmarried bed rule as her. They did it just fine somehow without calling their beloved and generous aunt/mother grieving the loss of her sister a weirdo patriarchal hypocrite. Not saying OP did but the posters in this thread.

Oh get off it. OP asked her aunt. Her aunt decided to be a weirdo patriarchal hypocrite by insisting she also ask her uncle. It is WEIRD. OP is ALSO grieving the loss of HER MOTHER. The aunt should not try to make her grieving niece jump through a bunch of BS hoops the first Christmas without her mom. She should either say "no, we only want family" or "sure, you can bring him." And no, 19 is not the same as 34. And again, OP DID ASK!!!!