I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

I did ask and they have met. The husband is really close to my SO’s family. My boyfriend’s uncle has stayed at their house *forehead smack, so this makes it even more weird.

I absolutely think it’s catered to his ego. She’s always been the breadwinner (nothing wrong with that) and I think because she paid for all of it, if not most of it, she wants him to feel like a man? I don’t know.

So what did he say when you asked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

I did ask and they have met. The husband is really close to my SO’s family. My boyfriend’s uncle has stayed at their house *forehead smack, so this makes it even more weird.

I absolutely think it’s catered to his ego. She’s always been the breadwinner (nothing wrong with that) and I think because she paid for all of it, if not most of it, she wants him to feel like a man? I don’t know.

So he’s ok with his wife supporting him but wants a say in who his adult niece is banging?

This is an F-ed up family.

“Uncle Joe, as I told Aunt Sally, I’m bringing my boyfriend. If that’s a problem let me know and I can get a hotel or pass this year. Looking forward to Dad’s birthday and Xmas!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are weird.

No she is not. It's weird to treat her like a teenager.

She acting like one by indulging in their craziness. OP needs go away with her SO alone. They are 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are weird.

No she is not. It's weird to treat her like a teenager.

She acting like one by indulging in their craziness. OP needs go away with her SO alone. They are 35.

She doesn’t want to leave her dad. It’s her first Christmas without his wife and it’s also his birthday, so I get why she doesn’t want to leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be a problem for me if they're generally pleasant people.

Because with such people, unmarried people that are of a younger generation than theirs are categorized as "young", with fewer rights than the Smug Marrieds. There is no "+1" in such a household if you're not joined at the hip. You need to ask permission of the host. The hosts are two people, and you need to ask one of them in particular, since apparently the other defers to him. Here it happens to be the man of the house.

I know this smacks of patriarchy and misogyny (because it IS), but honestly I can see their point of view. It's old-fashioned, but there's a logic to it: they want to encourage marriage and stability and don't particularly appreciate a revolving door of casual girlfriends or boyfriends in their home.

If your boyfriend was a long-term partner, you'd do well to push back, and explain that you are committed to each other and will share a bed, even if you have personal reasons to reject the sacrament of marriage. But you only introduced him to your family last month. To the world, this is a casual boyfriend, and they will rightfully treat him as such: courteously, but at arms' length.

Me again. I know two couples in their 70s and 80s, who have been together for 40 years, and have never married: one is my aunt, and the other is a friend of the family. They are indubitably committed. It is perfectly possible to live this way and live a respected and respectable life. They have been treated as married partners for decades.

If they haven't committed, they aren't comitted, just ossified.

You had a lot of bridesmaids dintja?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them he’ll be coming with you or you won’t be coming. Don’t say it as a threat, just say it matter of factly. This is your life partner and you want to spend the holidays with him.

If he’s her life partner, why don’t they get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them he’ll be coming with you or you won’t be coming. Don’t say it as a threat, just say it matter of factly. This is your life partner and you want to spend the holidays with him.

If he’s her life partner, why don’t they get married?

If the aunt and uncle are MARRIED, the pinnacle of all partnership I guess, why should OP have to ask the uncle instead of just the aunt? Why is the married aunt insisting on them acting separately when they're supposed to be a perfect union, a married partnership lol?

[Anonymous]

My conservative Catholic family did this too but at least applied the same rules to the older adults who remarried or married late in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, just let your Dad know. You’ve alerted the host.

I’m so sorry about your mom.

[Anonymous]

Is the SO a new thing or has he been around for a year+? I can’t say what is right or wrong FOR YOU, but the group house for the holidays would be too much for me. I would probably go along this year due to your first Christmas without your mom. If the house is not too far away, I would visit for one day and return home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re treating you like a child because you’re living your life like one. You are much too old to be playing house. Grow up and get married already!

Where do you get off telling someone how to live their life. Not everyone wants to be married and you don't get to force your provincial mindset on everyone else. Go away control freak.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been with your SO? Do you live together?

Your aunt is weird. In no way would I indulge that weirdness. Just have your so come and if she says anything further about you asking her husband just laugh like it’s a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

Exactly. Don’t find the behavior of the payer weird when you are in your 30s and mooching off your aunt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask when you're bringing a guest, especially someone the host hasn't met yet. But asking one or the other host spouse should be fine. It's very weird patriarchy vibes how she said "he would love for you to ask him as well". What is this some kind of ceremony designed to cater to his ego?

I did ask and they have met. The husband is really close to my SO’s family. My boyfriend’s uncle has stayed at their house *forehead smack, so this makes it even more weird.

I absolutely think it’s catered to his ego. She’s always been the breadwinner (nothing wrong with that) and I think because she paid for all of it, if not most of it, she wants him to feel like a man? I don’t know.

So he’s ok with his wife supporting him but wants a say in who his adult niece is banging?

This is an F-ed up family.

“Uncle Joe, as I told Aunt Sally, I’m bringing my boyfriend. If that’s a problem let me know and I can get a hotel or pass this year. Looking forward to Dad’s birthday and Xmas!”

No. You don’t tell the person who paid for the house that you are bringing your guest. You ask.

[Anonymous]

They are worried you might have sex