DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your emotional makeup are perfectly normal. In fact, I wonder if we're married to the same guy! We have a "schedule" too...we alternate mornings of waking up with DD (almost 1), and the person who does wakeup also takes her to and from daycare. When DH "has" her, I go to the gym and enjoy a half hour at home to read the paper (usually Sunday's all week) before work. When I "have" her, he bikes to and from work, so we each get exercise every other day. This translates into weekend activities, too, but I share your bitterness there. When I go to the gym on weekends, I take her with me and use the babysitting there, giving him free time, whereas his rides mean that I'm "on." (Needless to say, we love DD more than anything under the sun -- I know you feel the same way -- but the workplace terminology just seems to best convey what I mean. Spending time with her is an absolute pleasure. Spending time by myself helps me be a better-rounded human being and parent.)

We also have close to a 60-40 split in implementation of child-related activities, but I do almost all of the planning, whether it's buying diapers, preparing food, scheduling doctors appts, or just saying that we should go to the park today, for example. This drives me crazy because I feel like he doesn't value this "work" (labor of love though it is) and bills himself as an equal parent. Our work schedules are roughly equivalent, though his hours are more flexible, and he has more vacation time.

We have other issues in our marriage and have tried counseling, but there's simply no time for it now. I just wanted to offer you some solidarity and reassurance that you can love your child, love or like or tolerate your partner, and still want some time to yourself and a fair division of duties at home!

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the other replies. I think, to be fair, you MUST stick to the schedule. Tell him that this won't be forever; schedules are sacrifice parents have to make when their kids are little.

On another note, your marriage does sound like it's in trouble. You don't sound like a married couple, a team. You sound like two individuals living separate lives - mostly by his choice. He needs to understand that he is a father now and step up. Fewer happy hours, fewer hobbies - more putting his child (and wife) first and himself second. A therapist might help.

[Anonymous]

OP, you husband sounds pretty emotionally checked out. I can see why the schedule is a way to try to keep him involved to some degree. I can also see him using it as a reason to distance himself further. Are his parents genuinely close with each other? Were you guys kind of like ships in the night before the baby? I'd go to counseling, together, or alone if he won't go. In terms of how he is spending his time, it's not too far a slide to completely separate lives. Do the 2 of you spend any alone time together? Do you have friends over in the evening every weekend? It just seems like the 3 of you are not as close as you might be. His activities might be a way of building distance in. Your problems here are about so much more than childcare, OP. Get some help, alone if you need to. Maybe you can find someone with lunchtime hours.

[Anonymous]

OP- It sounds like you are obsessed with fairness because your husband is so involved in other stuff. You cling to the schedule and fairness because he's checked out of family life.

[Anonymous]

That's what I was thinking 8:08. Like without the schedule he'd be even more checked out. OP the watching tv in a different part of the house while you cook and play with the baby and having people over a lot during the little time you are home together really jumped out at me. I do think that your marriage is in trouble OP. It's not really "fairness" that you are arguing about.

It's sad, it is a really sweet baby age.

[Anonymous]

Gosh folks - did none of you want to train for an athletic event after you have kids?

OP - my husband's a cyclist too and it sounds like yours is training for a century. That is a lot of work but I think its manageable.

This is what we do - I usually check in with husband on Thursday and say, "What's on your plate this weekend?" He'll tell me, and then I'll tell him what I want to do, which typically includes a family activity and some stuff that needs to be done around the house. Then we work the 'schedule' from there. Everything is treated as equally important. It works very well for us and allows us to have family time and "me" time.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh folks - did none of you want to train for an athletic event after you have kids?

OP - my husband's a cyclist too and it sounds like yours is training for a century. That is a lot of work but I think its manageable.

This is what we do - I usually check in with husband on Thursday and say, "What's on your plate this weekend?" He'll tell me, and then I'll tell him what I want to do, which typically includes a family activity and some stuff that needs to be done around the house. Then we work the 'schedule' from there. Everything is treated as equally important. It works very well for us and allows us to have family time and "me" time.

Good luck.

It's not just the biking in the mornings and on the weekend, it's the 2 nights a week out after work, going to watch tv when he is home when he isn't mandated by the schedule to interact with his family, AND the biking. Not a lot of balance or engagement there from the facts we have been given.

Neither of us trained for anything with a young baby in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh folks - did none of you want to train for an athletic event after you have kids?

OP - my husband's a cyclist too and it sounds like yours is training for a century. That is a lot of work but I think its manageable.

This is what we do - I usually check in with husband on Thursday and say, "What's on your plate this weekend?" He'll tell me, and then I'll tell him what I want to do, which typically includes a family activity and some stuff that needs to be done around the house. Then we work the 'schedule' from there. Everything is treated as equally important. It works very well for us and allows us to have family time and "me" time.

Good luck.

Depends on how much "family time" you want. If its about equal, this would work well.

[Anonymous]

I actually think the problem is not the DH but the OPs own adjustment to motherhood.

OP - it will never be fair. No schedule you create will make it that way. From how you describe your personality and need for me time, I can say that an adjustement to not having that is very, very hard. You will never, ever get the time you once had and you need to work out how that will be for you going forward. It might be good to go to a therapist on your own.

Yes, your DH should help more and be more involved but from reading your need for a schedule and admitting that you are keeping track because things must be fair, it seems that even if your DH did get more involved you wouldn't be happy with it unless it meant you didn't need to be involved and no that's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, as a spouse, part of my job is to make DH's life easier. I also expect the same attitude from him. I don't see anything in your post that says you and DH share that philosophy and, honestly, I think that without that mindset, raising children with be a burden. The little things really make my day now, like putting gas in my car or taking care of an errand I needed to do.

As for our schedule, each person gets one "freebie" night per week to do what they want -- happy hour, an exercise class, whatever. More than that requires a conversation and the OK from the other parent. Weekends are generally spent together as a family or together with friends. However, it isn't unusual for me to go to brunch or DH to golf. As a general rule, we take turns getting up with the kids on weekends, but it depends on the morning and how much of a handful the kids are being.

Good luck when you have two kids --- if you think it is bad now, you have no idea how little free time exists when there are as many children as there are adults. That is a HUGE adjustment.

I honestly would suggest that OP never have 2 kids. You can attempt to maintain your normal life with one kid. It's actually not that hard. With 2+ this plan goes completely out the window unless you have lots of hired help (and many do).

[Anonymous]

Two words that will change your life.

Bike Trailer.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- DS is napping and DH is biking. I have a friend coming over (with kid) to go out for a walk this morning. Thanks for all the advice to everyone. I have lots to consider and think about. I had my DH read through the posts (when it was at about 4 pages long) and we had a good conversation about issues. I think the solo TV at night really does make me sad, and someone asked if I could imagine spending 90% of our time together as a family. Honestly, I can't, and that makes me sad, too. We married, had a child, and moved to the 'burbs in our late 30s, and so our adjustment to a non-urban, non-traveling, more "settled" life is hard for both of us, I think. The biking is important to DH, and I can't ask him to stop. It keeps him healthy and sane, and I want to encourage it. But, I do want him to be more engaged with us as a family when he is home and to spend more time intentionally doing fun activities as a family, rather than just running errands or hanging out with other friends. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I wish the bike trailer were a panacea, but DH bikes in a peloton with serious racers. Babies are not invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish the bike trailer were a panacea, but DH bikes in a peloton with serious racers. Babies are not invited

I'm sorry but this is just another symptom the problem. Your DH cannot continue his biking in the same way right now. He needs to make adjustments. As do you. Remember, esp if you dont' have any more kids...this is only for a VERY short time in your life.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP, you sound a little lonely. Some individual therapy might help you ID what your needs are and what your goals are, then you can talk about it with DH. If your friends have similar life styles, it might be worth it to befriend some neighbors or families from a kiddie class who seem more family oriented, modeling is important. I had a friend who had a relationship much like yours and they were constantly fighting over who got to eat at the table and who had to feed the baby. They were invited over by neighbors, who had a booster seat on a dining chair. Their baby sat between the parents and they took turns feeding him and eating. My friend and her DH were amazed and still joke about the "3rd way", vs you or me there is "us". Talk about what kind of parents you want to be and what kind of family you want to have. Talk about what kind of families you came from. You need a lot more intimacy.

Parenting is a HUGE adjustment as individuals and as a couple. I'd really try to spend some time 2-4 evenings a month (after bedtime) having stay at home dates as a couple or going out at least twice. Seriously, make it a plan, open some wine, hang out and chat.