DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish the bike trailer were a panacea, but DH bikes in a peloton with serious racers. Babies are not invited

I'm sorry but this is just another symptom the problem. Your DH cannot continue his biking in the same way right now. He needs to make adjustments. As do you. Remember, esp if you dont' have any more kids...this is only for a VERY short time in your life.

Not OP, but define 'short'. OP and her DH may define 'short' differently (i.e months).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP's question was "how do you do it?"

My answer is that we focus on our family first. We spend enough time away from each other during the week, we don't have time for daily personal pursuits. We value our family time.We occasionally do things solo but that is extremely rare.

Did you hear "family first" at the Glenn Beck rally yesterday?

Why does 'family first' have to mean you spend every waking minute together as a unit? OP, I agree with those that say training for a big bike ride and hanging out with friends after with a new baby is immature - that life is bye-bye for years especially if you have more children - but a couple of hours a weekend of time to zone out would seem to be normal. There are a lot of hours in a weekend.

Did your husband's father participate in child raising? My husband has been a stay at home dad for years and he still slips into thinking Sundays are his just because his father played golf and watched football all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP's question was "how do you do it?"

My answer is that we focus on our family first. We spend enough time away from each other during the week, we don't have time for daily personal pursuits. We value our family time.We occasionally do things solo but that is extremely rare.

Did you hear "family first" at the Glenn Beck rally yesterday?

Why does 'family first' have to mean you spend every waking minute together as a unit? OP, I agree with those that say training for a big bike ride and hanging out with friends after with a new baby is immature - that life is bye-bye for years especially if you have more children - but a couple of hours a weekend of time to zone out would seem to be normal. There are a lot of hours in a weekend.

Did your husband's father participate in child raising? My husband has been a stay at home dad for years and he still slips into thinking Sundays are his just because his father played golf and watched football all day.

Not the pp, but I think most posters agreed that 2-3 of "me time" per week, per parent is about right.

[Anonymous]

That's meant to be 2-3 HOURS per week. Not days.

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that just because something works for them, people seem to think it should be mandated for everyone else. If 2-3 hours of "me" time a week works for you, good for you! But there's no rule that says everyone has to follow this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that just because something works for them, people seem to think it should be mandated for everyone else. If 2-3 hours of "me" time a week works for you, good for you! But there's no rule that says everyone has to follow this.

Of course. But for most people, who are at work all week, finding 2-3 hours of "me" time AND spending time with your dc AND finding time for yourselves at a couple AND finding time to accomplish the mundane requirements of everyday life with a child is about all we can manage. If you find that you can manage more w/o sacraficing something else, more power to you.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had to make huge adjustments, but luckily for us, our hobbies were mostly going out and doing things together instead of alone. So, we just fold DS (1.5) into our activities whether it be going out to eat and/or taking turns entertaining him when we go to bed.

Whatever the case, there's so much that a mom gives up to have a baby. Starting from pregnancy, the mom's body is no longer hers and, as OP recognizes, even in the most "fair" household, mom still does more than Dad does. I highly recommend urging DH to reconsider whether training is more important than family time. For us, family time is critical and DS rarely sees one of us without the other. We get our alone time on the week nights after DS goes to bed and/or every four weeks or so, we'll take an afternoon "off" on a Saturday to run our errands. We also have grandparents come over so that we can spend time together. Whatever the case though, I think DH isn't recognizing how much of a lifestyle change having a baby is. There's just not a lot of time for personal interests and he needs to grow up and recognize it.

[Anonymous]

OP, it has to be hard to change your lifestyle considering you and DH are in your late 30s. People get set in their ways as we get older. I would recommend family counseling. Also, moving to the suburbs sounds like a bad idea for your family. Just because it is considered the "norm" to marry have a baby and move to the suburbs doesn't mean it works for all families. Sounds like you and DH have some "structural" issues that need to be addressed. The scaffolding holding up your marriage may fall apart. I say this from some indirect experience.

My parents marriage fell apart for similar reasons (or at least what they both told me). My father (early 60s) still lives a single lifestyle, never remarried or had additional kids after my parents divorce. I don't think of him as a "parent" more like a good friend--if that makes sense. My mom looks back and thinks they should have tried counseling and she should have confronted him instead of ignoring the problem. And children remember--I still remember visiting my father one summer (I was 18/19). He wanted me to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights so he could have his girlfriend over for the weekend! Think about your DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish the bike trailer were a panacea, but DH bikes in a peloton with serious racers. Babies are not invited

I'm sorry but this is just another symptom the problem. Your DH cannot continue his biking in the same way right now. He needs to make adjustments. As do you. Remember, esp if you dont' have any more kids...this is only for a VERY short time in your life.

When is the race he is training for? How about after that he tables racing for a year. Instead, wait for it,

TANDEM WITH BABY SEAT, ride it on the weekends

Symbolic, no?

I think that both you and DH have intimacy issues OP. And I think these other things are symptoms. I'd really get to counseling and work together to build a family that feels like "home" to all of its members. Parenting can be a big call for personal growth.

[Anonymous]

We have a 9 mos baby. If we spend the weekend in the house, we also get squabbly about child care. It's really helped us to get out of the house. We're taking the car and visiting regional parks, going to visit friends, taking various excursions. It really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- DS is napping and DH is biking. I have a friend coming over (with kid) to go out for a walk this morning. Thanks for all the advice to everyone. I have lots to consider and think about. I had my DH read through the posts (when it was at about 4 pages long) and we had a good conversation about issues. I think the solo TV at night really does make me sad, and someone asked if I could imagine spending 90% of our time together as a family. Honestly, I can't, and that makes me sad, too. We married, had a child, and moved to the 'burbs in our late 30s, and so our adjustment to a non-urban, non-traveling, more "settled" life is hard for both of us, I think. The biking is important to DH, and I can't ask him to stop. It keeps him healthy and sane, and I want to encourage it. But, I do want him to be more engaged with us as a family when he is home and to spend more time intentionally doing fun activities as a family, rather than just running errands or hanging out with other friends. Thanks again.

You can still travel and do the things you enjoyed with a child - you share it with your child - sure its more complicated with a child but you can travel and do things with a child. Sure, you need the car seat and stroller and lots more stuff - but our first trip to Disney with friends - they had a funeral and decided to go to Disney so we tagged along reluctantly was a blast - our 10 month old loved it and did better in the heat and long days than the best of us. Now, I'd travel with him in a heart beat. He had everyone at the airport entertained - anyone having a bad day was smiling with him smiling at them - but that's just our child.

You both are going to need to compromise and cut back on the things you enjoy and include your child in the things you enjoy. Just think about how much fun it will be getting your child their first bike and the bike attachment for dad's bike so they can bike together.

When he's running errands, he can take your child - sure it takes longer but I know our son loves to get out - oh, did you get by the Disney trip he's learned to be a big flirt. He now waves bye to the house when he thinks we are leaving.

Instead of looking at what you lost, look at what you gained. A wonderful child who is the joy of your life. There is no such thing a fair. Personally I prefer spending 99% of my time with my child as you can't get the early years back and he's such a bundle of fun. My husband tries very hard to get me to have alone time but then I just feel lost without my son as he's my side-kick and I know it will not last so why not enjoy while I can.

Sure you are tired, but its life. Instead of this fair, instead of even, realize its only for a few years they are this dependent and if its such an issue, get a babysitter for an evening or two or a day a weekend as in the end it will be healthier for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

I haven't read all the comments - but I think that we're seeing on this board a lot that's wrong with DCUM. You are here asking for advice and are being open-minded about the way other people do it. That's terrific, and is, I think, a sign of good parenting (being open minded to trying different things.) All these people who are like, "OMG you are screwed up" are not helpful. I do agree that it looks like the "schedule" isn't working, and that the fact that you guys are both looking for relief from watching your kid can be damaging to him in the long run. But the fact that you're open minded, and are willing to learn from others to improve your own situation is a terrific sign. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP I hope this thread got the ball rolling with your DH on good conversations. What struck me was that you seemed like you weren't spending any time together as a couple or as a family. And both are important. Your schedule is rigid, but I see that you fear if you ditch it you won't have any 'me' time. And it seems like you both have not advocated for 'us' time either. I understand the "wtf" posters who are slamming you for seeing caring for your child as a burden, but I suspect the real issue is not spending time with your child, but feeling as if its either you or DH. And when you don't feel supported, caring for a baby CAN be tiring and exhausting. I adore my son, but he is a handful, and if I didn't know that DH were around to help out, I would start to feel resentful too.

Just to give you a sense: this is how it works in our house. We do not have a schedule, but we have established patterns, which rely on a lot of frequent communication. (and yes, sometimes there are scheduling conflicts and errors)....

weekday nights;

we discuss our weeks, and sometimes I have an event after work (for fun or for work) sometimes DH does. We discuss ahead of time and make sure the other person can handle daycare and school pick up, etc (we have a 11 yr and an 8 month old). That doesn't happen all the time and we say "yes" to those things are that are important--a birthday for a friend, someone in town, an important work event. We dont' just go to random happy hours with folks we see all the time. When we're both home in the evening, I usuallly get the baby and hang out with him, then when DH gets home he does bath, I prep dinner, put baby to bed, we finish dinner together, he does dishes and I prep bottles. We're working together at the same time, so it does't feel unequal. (of course the nights that DH is out, I usually manage to do all t his, when I'm out I come home and DH is sacked on the couch, without having done dishes or prepped food/bottles, but if baby and older child have been fedm bathed, and put to bed, who am I to complain). Occasionally I go to the gym after baby is in bed, sometimes DH goes for a late run. We encourage each other to do this. but we also try to have dinner and some together time too.

Weekends: saturday mornings I go to the gym where there is babysitting, then take baby to farmers market, run a few errands. This gives Dh a couple baby-less hours, sometimes he runs, sometimes he hangs out, sometimes he runs other errands. Sundays mornings DH goes for a run while I watch the baby. In the afternoons we play it by ear, but are usually doing things together, such as errands, activities for our older child, etc. We rarely spend entire days apart, as it sounds like you two do. Twice a week we get a babysitter, and go out after baby is in bed. And often we go out early, as a family, for a family friendly thing. Or have friends over or vice versa.

The point is: we're flexible, but we are attentive to each other's needs for time to do stuff (work out, run some errands, see a friend). At the same time, we value our time as a family and as a couple. This is not to say there aren't issues--I feel that I spend a lot more time on housecleaning and I am responsible for all the bills, scheduling, and long range financial and future planning.... and sometimes we are exhausted and bitch at each other, but in terms of child care, my husband is a great dad, and feels that it is part of his identity as both a father and a husband to be the dad who walks with the fussy baby at the restaurant, who takes our older child and his friends to the aquarium in baltimore for a fun day, who takes both kids off my hands when I need a break, who comes up with good outings for all of us.

So I hope for your sakes, and especially your child's sake, you can discuss these things. The issue is not really a "fair" division of childcare, so much as the way you are operating (and view yourselves) as anomic individuals rather than as a family.

[Anonymous]

I knew there was a problem just from the title of your post. I saw it and assumed when you referred to "child care" you meant that there was some problem with your day care center or nanny. Referring to your regular family time as "child care" signals a big problem.

To be clear, I don't agree with the people who imply that as a parent you sacrifice all of your "me" time or that you are selfish if you don't want to spend 99% of your time with your child. I am totally in favor of me time and couple time. But your "norm" should be familiy time, and then the me time and couple time should fit around that. In our house, usually 4 nights/week are spent as a family, 2 are me time for one parent, and 1 is couple night. We switch off getting up early weekend mornings, and the days are usually spent together, unless one of us has other plans.

This works for us, I hope you can find something that works for you. I applaud you for having your husband read these posts. Even though some are overly harsh, I think there are enough that hould really help you come up with a better system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that just because something works for them, people seem to think it should be mandated for everyone else. If 2-3 hours of "me" time a week works for you, good for you! But there's no rule that says everyone has to follow this.

yes, but i think it's clear that the current situation (with each partner clinging to hours of alone time) clearly ISN'T working for the OP. Hence the suggestion (by many people) that a more traditional arrangement of more family time might be an idea.