How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to do it, then just say no. But understand you’re missing a chance to make a connection that is helpful to someone else who could be helpful to you later.

We went through a similar situation with no busing a couple of years ago. After starting as an indefinite amount of time, it ended up being about 6 weeks before they got it fully restored. It sucked.

I wfh and lost over an hour of work time between drop off and pickups. I found another neighborhood mom to share the burden. She worked shifts, so I definitely drove her kid more than mine, but she did it some. Two years later, we have kids in the same activity and we carpool all the time. My schedule has changed and she drives more than I do. I’m not sure we would be carpooling now if we hadn’t established the earlier relationship.

I came to say this. Since you aren't in the DMV, maybe you have family and childhood friends close, and a full community and support system. But for those of us in DC who moved away from our families of origin, we are building community as we go. That means doing favors and being flexible the same way you would if the person asking were your cousin. We do it because it's the right thing to do, but also because we want to build a network of people who rely on us and who we can rely on.

If you are 100% sure that your life is so solid, and predictable, and nothing bad will ever happen to you, then turn these folks down, even rudely. But if you think someday you might go through a divorce, or an illness, or have two kids who need to be different places at the same time, I'd say yes to this request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Can they just chill outside on your porch if you have one and read a book until it’s time to go? Inviting them in is disruptive but if they can all just walk with you, why not? I’d offer that - kids should come at x time and if they’re there early they have to wait outside with a book - and on rainy days their own parents must drive them.

Pickup is harder. I’d say no to that entirely unless it works for you or the kids can walk home on their own from your house. (Unless you’re certain the parents would pick them up from your house at exactly the time you specify)

The kid could also just hang out at the school by the door if they are a few minutes early. The problem is likely, they will be a lot more than a few minutes early and I’m sure OP would feel guilty about making them wait on the porch for 30 min. She will feel obligated to have the come in and yes, that would be disruptive to her own morning and trying to get she stuff in order

This is a good idea right now that the weather is nice but you know weather guilt is going to kick in when it starts getting cold and if it’s raining. You’ll bring the kids in out of guilt.

I’m gonna stay with my advice up thread to just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It’s not the taking the extra kids. It’s that because of work they need to get their kids out of the house sooner (like close to when the bus used to pick up).

Let’s say school starts at 9 and you can drop off at school beginning at 8:55. What is the point of taking your kid to a house down the street at 8:50 instead of just waiting a few min and dropping at school? No one is doing this just to save 5 min.

In reality they’re going to want to drop their kids at 8:40 (maybe earlier) so they can hang out at OP’s house until they leave to walk to school. They’re trying to carve out some extra childcare in the mornings, which not every parent wants to do indefinitely. If the bus was out of commission for a week then OP should probably do it, but who knows how long this will go on.

[Anonymous]

You should tell them you won't be able to help. Carpooling and drop off/pick up arrangements work best only if there is mutual dependence. Those two parents who asked OP a favor should find other parents in the same situation and arrange drop off schedule among them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to do it, then just say no. But understand you’re missing a chance to make a connection that is helpful to someone else who could be helpful to you later.

We went through a similar situation with no busing a couple of years ago. After starting as an indefinite amount of time, it ended up being about 6 weeks before they got it fully restored. It sucked.

I wfh and lost over an hour of work time between drop off and pickups. I found another neighborhood mom to share the burden. She worked shifts, so I definitely drove her kid more than mine, but she did it some. Two years later, we have kids in the same activity and we carpool all the time. My schedule has changed and she drives more than I do. I’m not sure we would be carpooling now if we hadn’t established the earlier relationship.

I came to say this. Since you aren't in the DMV, maybe you have family and childhood friends close, and a full community and support system. But for those of us in DC who moved away from our families of origin, we are building community as we go. That means doing favors and being flexible the same way you would if the person asking were your cousin. We do it because it's the right thing to do, but also because we want to build a network of people who rely on us and who we can rely on.

If you are 100% sure that your life is so solid, and predictable, and nothing bad will ever happen to you, then turn these folks down, even rudely. But if you think someday you might go through a divorce, or an illness, or have two kids who need to be different places at the same time, I'd say yes to this request.

Woah, that’s a lot of guilt you piled on. Lots of what ifs. This is not about building a community, which you can do in many other ways other than committing to something with no solid end in sight. This doesn’t have anything to do with being flexible. Flexible is filling in in an emergency for one or two days not for an indefinite period of time.

From the looks of it, the only person giving in this village would be OP who is work from home. That isn’t a village that’s a part-time babysitting job.

[Anonymous]

One way to handle this in a pro-social manner would be to offer to lead a "walking bus" one or two days a week that work for your schedule. The kids would be dropped on your porch or backyard and then you would walk them all to school.

It's normal in my close-in DC neighborhood, and parents rotate hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One way to handle this in a pro-social manner would be to offer to lead a "walking bus" one or two days a week that work for your schedule. The kids would be dropped on your porch or backyard and then you would walk them all to school.

It's normal in my close-in DC neighborhood, and parents rotate hosting.

I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So could the kids get dropped off at your house and walk together to school? I’d do it if the situation is temporary. Sounds like they’re trying to hire more bus drivers.

I’d hate to say flat out no and all of a sudden find that my kid wasn’t being invited to birthday parties and such.

Yeah I don’t get this one. You live a few blocks away so you walk, right? Can’t you all walk together? I’m confused.

She is selfish and only likes friendship to run one way - to her benefit alone. I would drop this person and their kid from any social activities.

You don't want to be part of the village? Fine, enjoy banishment.

Oh the village where your kid had a bus until now and you didnt have to worry about taking your kid to school? That one. No Ma'm welcome to those of us who DONT get transportation and get our kids to school. You werent worried about carpools and helping out before when your kid had the bus and now its all ....can we be friends? ill pay you.... its only 30 minutes....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

Bus kids are going to be dropped off earlier than when OP leaves so her whole day is changed because of the kids. Oh crap we didnt have time for breakfast can Charles eat it here? Oh he hasnt finished his homework, hell be real quick. Ugh I didnt have time to do Sallys hair this morning but shes fine.

LOOK your kids are your responsibility to get to school especially ifs its one-sided. If someone offers thats one thing but ASKING when you could drive 3 minutes down the road at the same time to drop off...yea no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to do it, then just say no. But understand you’re missing a chance to make a connection that is helpful to someone else who could be helpful to you later.

We went through a similar situation with no busing a couple of years ago. After starting as an indefinite amount of time, it ended up being about 6 weeks before they got it fully restored. It sucked.

I wfh and lost over an hour of work time between drop off and pickups. I found another neighborhood mom to share the burden. She worked shifts, so I definitely drove her kid more than mine, but she did it some. Two years later, we have kids in the same activity and we carpool all the time. My schedule has changed and she drives more than I do. I’m not sure we would be carpooling now if we hadn’t established the earlier relationship.

I came to say this. Since you aren't in the DMV, maybe you have family and childhood friends close, and a full community and support system. But for those of us in DC who moved away from our families of origin, we are building community as we go. That means doing favors and being flexible the same way you would if the person asking were your cousin. We do it because it's the right thing to do, but also because we want to build a network of people who rely on us and who we can rely on.

If you are 100% sure that your life is so solid, and predictable, and nothing bad will ever happen to you, then turn these folks down, even rudely. But if you think someday you might go through a divorce, or an illness, or have two kids who need to be different places at the same time, I'd say yes to this request.

Many of us don’t have help and figure it out. You are a user and expect people to help you but not help them. It’s very disruptive to have to watch a bunch of kids and get them to school for free while getting your own kids ready and to school.

And those of us with health issues still manage to figure it out so don’t use someone like me as a talking point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Terrible idea, why would it be easier to tell someone you can't help because their kid is rotten or is a bad example. Much easier to say no from the beginning.

Or you could tell the parents you can try it for a week and see how it goes. It gives the parents another week to work on their longer term solution. It gives you an out if it doesn’t work for you. Lay out the ground rules. They can’t be there until X time. You’ll be working until it’s time to leave the house, your DC will be getting ready and Larlo will need to sit quietly on the couch reading or something. Set the same afternoon expectations. Most parents are really appreciative.

This makes too much sense for you to have posted it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So could the kids get dropped off at your house and walk together to school? I’d do it if the situation is temporary. Sounds like they’re trying to hire more bus drivers.

I’d hate to say flat out no and all of a sudden find that my kid wasn’t being invited to birthday parties and such.

Yeah I don’t get this one. You live a few blocks away so you walk, right? Can’t you all walk together? I’m confused.

She is selfish and only likes friendship to run one way - to her benefit alone. I would drop this person and their kid from any social activities.

You don't want to be part of the village? Fine, enjoy banishment.

Oh the village where your kid had a bus until now and you didnt have to worry about taking your kid to school? That one. No Ma'm welcome to those of us who DONT get transportation and get our kids to school. You werent worried about carpools and helping out before when your kid had the bus and now its all ....can we be friends? ill pay you.... its only 30 minutes....

They aren’t offering a carpool where they help you. They are asking you do it 100% of the time for no pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

Bus kids are going to be dropped off earlier than when OP leaves so her whole day is changed because of the kids. Oh crap we didnt have time for breakfast can Charles eat it here? Oh he hasnt finished his homework, hell be real quick. Ugh I didnt have time to do Sallys hair this morning but shes fine.

LOOK your kids are your responsibility to get to school especially ifs its one-sided. If someone offers thats one thing but ASKING when you could drive 3 minutes down the road at the same time to drop off...yea no.

I mean… say no to any stupid hypothetical add on requests obviously. This isn’t that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So could the kids get dropped off at your house and walk together to school? I’d do it if the situation is temporary. Sounds like they’re trying to hire more bus drivers.

I’d hate to say flat out no and all of a sudden find that my kid wasn’t being invited to birthday parties and such.

Yeah I don’t get this one. You live a few blocks away so you walk, right? Can’t you all walk together? I’m confused.

She is selfish and only likes friendship to run one way - to her benefit alone. I would drop this person and their kid from any social activities.

You don't want to be part of the village? Fine, enjoy banishment.

Oh the village where your kid had a bus until now and you didnt have to worry about taking your kid to school? That one. No Ma'm welcome to those of us who DONT get transportation and get our kids to school. You werent worried about carpools and helping out before when your kid had the bus and now its all ....can we be friends? ill pay you.... its only 30 minutes....

They aren’t offering a carpool where they help you. They are asking you do it 100% of the time for no pay.

OP can always ask them for favors in the future, you know.

Obviously it’s fine for OP to say no to this request (and that’s all it is, not a demand) but some of you responding with your “reasoning” sound like truly miserable, self-absorbed people.

(Can’t wait for the “actually I have lots of friends!” vapid responses. And I’ll bet you do right now… it’s incredibly easy to maintain relationships as long as nothing is ever asked of you, right?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One way to handle this in a pro-social manner would be to offer to lead a "walking bus" one or two days a week that work for your schedule. The kids would be dropped on your porch or backyard and then you would walk them all to school.

It's normal in my close-in DC neighborhood, and parents rotate hosting.

So instead of one kid she now get a neighborhood of them? F$ck no.

This is not OPs problem to solve. She gets her kid to school fine. How about the other parents lead the bus?