Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know families like this. The kids love their nannies and sometimes call them "mom".

This is odd. My mom worked a lot when we were growing up. We never thought a nanny was our mom. We knew who our mom was. Even little kids know the difference between a parent and a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never work like that, especially not with kids. My career means a lot to me, and I’m good at what I do, but regularly working over 45 hours a week is a complete dealbreaker for me. You can make a meaningful professional contribution without working those kinds of hours.

+1 same here. If I wanted to work all the time I wouldn’t have kids. My career means a lot and I work hard to be where I am right now. However, at the end of the day my kids are my priority.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand intentionally bringing children (multiple!) into this world and outsourcing all their rearing. Get a pet.

If you want to have the “big job” then your husband needs to cut back. Your children should not have to suffer the consequences of your choices.

[Anonymous]

I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know families like this. The kids love their nannies and sometimes call them "mom".

This is odd. My mom worked a lot when we were growing up. We never thought a nanny was our mom. We knew who our mom was. Even little kids know the difference between a parent and a nanny.

My husband says he knew his mom was in charge, but he loved the nanny more and was more attached to her. Hearing him say that has ensured that we will never have a nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

All sorts of stuff has been common throughout history but doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Parents parenting their children is expected in America. A mom spending so little time with her kids is doing them a disservice when other children have their mothers around and present for their childhoods. OP likely has a decent earning spouse and doesn’t need a job like this.

OP, what are you chasing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

This sounds exhausting. Kudos to you for being able to do this though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

So, do you not consider your DH to be a real parent? And how reliant are you and your kids on his income?

I don't think attitudes like this help anyone. It's true that kids need unstructured time with their parents, but there are a lot of ways to achieve that. I cook meals on weekends, but their nanny does on weekdays. DS loves a couple of my meals, and he loves a couple of hers. I do drives sometimes, but honestly I don't enjoy them at all. Driving to activities through traffic makes me stressed out, so I don't know how much I get out of interacting with my kids in those moments. Instead, they have a mom who is relatively relaxed in the evenings and weekends...even when cooking, running errands etc. Maybe I'm destined to be a terrible mother regardless, but so far my kids seem pretty happy and well-adjusted. And for sure, I know I'm a better mother than I would be if I were spending my time doing things I don't enjoy instead of getting fulfillment both at home and at work.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t sound like a fun and enjoyable life. I’d only live this lifestyle if I were desperate for the money.

No leisurely time with the kids, daily exercise, dinner at a kid friendly time, commuting 4x a week. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a first step, I would carve out dinner prep through bedtime as family time. Don't talk about work. Don't be on your phone or computer for work reasons.

Set boundaries at work and delegate. Your learning curve will ease, hopefully, in a few months, but you aren't doing anyone, including yourself, any favors by keeping these hours.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have three young kids (8, 6, 2), and my husband and I are both litigation partners in private law firms. We live in the Midwest in a LCOL area and are fortunate to live in a district with excellent public schools. My office is 5 minutes from our house and the kids’ schools. We have been practicing law for ~15 years (10+ at our firms) and have generally lived well below our means, which made it possible for me to consider a reduced schedule without affecting our lifestyle.

I love many things about my job (still do!) but decided to reduce my billable hours the year after our third baby was born. We have a PT nanny, but I didn’t want to outsource more. We also experienced some difficult losses on the way to our third, and that affected me and shifted my perspective on how I wanted to spend my time. I’m happy with my decision and the breathing room it has created. There are still weeks that feel overwhelming, but they are more infrequent than the norm.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of judgmental harpies on this thread. OP, it's only 3 months into a new job that you find interesting and lucrative--would suggest to give it 3 more before quitting or "stepping back". Plenty of women work long hours and are still dedicated mothers. You have a housekeeper and a nanny and hopefully you can figure out other ways to outsource the household and kid chores while maximizing kid time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

+1 very surprised as well. Maybe need to justify decision to mommy track? My mom didn’t get home until after 7:30pm most nights (and missed dinner) — I didn’t always love it but she was there for all the events that mattered and my siblings and I are still very very close to her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

For someone who has a spouse who doesn't parent you sure have a lot of judgment for other people. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

this was compassionate and rational advice

OP if you want the big job, DO YOU! you are the one in your family, you need to live this life, if it makes you happy, then your kids will follow your lead!