Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no easy answer to this OP. Like you I am very ambitious and love my job, chose to prioritize staying in an important role over mommy tracking. The truth is my relationship with my kids (2) suffered, and I’m starting to see the long term impact of that more and more. Yes, I am jealous of friends who mommy tracked and remained more involved and emotionally engaged in their kids lives, at least those I know who did this enjoy closer relationships with their kids even after they went to college. But I also have to be honest with myself, I would have been miserable to mommy track and feel like I could not fulfill my potential in my work.

I’m very similar to this PP. I chose advancing at work and career success. I was working 70+ hours through two pregnancies. While not healthy, my job is how I define my success. I have never mommy-tracked and have had very large roles as the mother to young children. Unfortunately these roles were in the White House and as a senior appointee at the State Department so they didn’t come with the money to outsource. I work up very early (4am) to exercise and do personal tasks and was out the door by 7 for meetings that began before 8. I haven’t regretted it but I do have to put blinders on and just plow through each day. (I also have a helpful DH who works a normal 45 hour a week office job).

[Anonymous]

Oh and you had 3 kids, 1-2 is the sweet spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently promoted to a senior management (but not c suite) role at my company after being in middle management for years. I have always worked hard (50+ hours per week) but had a pretty good work life balance and a flexible boss who never had an issue when I needed to prioritize kid stuff since he knew I would get my work done and be there when it counted.

It has only been 3 months in my new role but I am feeling pretty miserable and overwhelmed because it feels all consuming and my work/life balance has plummeted. Face time is a requirement in this role so I can’t really work from home more than once per week and I now need to be at the office by 8am for early meetings (vs 9am on my old team) so I am out the door by 7:15 and rarely get home before 7pm. Then I am with my kids for an hour and a half before I get back online for a couple hours before going to bed.

I feel like I am barely spending any time with my kids and so much is falling through the cracks because my job is so intense I often don’t have 5 mins to make a phone call or check my personal email during the day. I forgot to sign one of my kids up for an after school activity in time and the class all her friends are in filled up, I didn’t clearly read the school supply list for my oldest and forgot a ton of things. I am going to miss back to school nights due to work commitments and have zero bandwidth to be involved in the PTA or school like I have been in the past. I can no longer cook dinner for the kids (or eat with them) and feel like we are all not eating as healthy. And I have absolutely zero time to myself since I feel so guilty for being MIA all week I try to spend every second with them on weekends.

I could quit, but the challenge is that I actually enjoy what I do and got a big raise so the money is very helpful with 3 kids. My DH has a pretty big job too and works almost as much as I do, and we have an amazing nanny who handles a ton while the kids are in school (grocery shopping, returns, dry cleaning) as well as a housekeeper who keeps things in order.

Is anyone else in this boat? How do you get over the guilt of not being around enough? And how do you decide if it’s all worth it?

Has anyone left a demanding job - do you wish you did it sooner or feel like it was a mistake?

You don't.

It's not.

[Anonymous]

You can do this. But you need to hire more help—a household manager or part time “family assistant” or someone like that who can take on household admin. You can’t be the one doing signups for kids’ classes. Anyone can do that. It’s insane to think that if you and dh both have demanding jobs that you should somehow do all of this. It’s going to be expensive but it’s an investment in your career.

[Anonymous]

You owe it to yourself to staff up at home and give this a try. If you hate it you can make changes later. But it sounds like you might like it if it’s more sustainable.

[Anonymous]

I went to a private school with kids from families like yours (I was a scholarship kid) and I was really surprised by the kinds of relationships they had (or didn't have) with their parents. I told myself I'd never go that route with my kids.

I ended up at an Ivy League school and a prestigious career track, and before I knew it, I was one of those parents with the money and the career, and not a great relationship with my kids. I loved my work, and it's not like I was a deadbeat parent - the activities happened, I went to important events, etc. But everything was so rushed and structured, and they were becoming little people with their own lives I wasn't part of. I couldn't outsource the main thing - just spending time hanging out with the people I love the most (which also includes my husband, btw, we were like business partners).

So, I cut back, and yes, I miss it sometimes but it was absolutely the right choice. I am running my own org now, so still challenging/interesting, but lots of flexibility, I have a great team that runs most of the day to day stuff. I am planning to lean back in when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

The most successful couple I know fixed this by sending their kid to a boarding school, even though the school was 30 minutes from their home. The kid ended up with an addiction to drugs by age 16. Honestly, either you or your husband needs to sacrifice career for family. There are no good shortcuts here.

[Anonymous]

I took a step back from being a manager but I will say in my case the pay bump wasn't good enough to justify the hours. I personally also found management exhausting and like I wasn't doing the job I loved and went to school for anymore (engineering). I was lucky my contract was only a year so I simply chose not to renew and went smoothly back to what I was doing before. Now this did mean I couldn't change my mind and manage again, but I'm okay with this choice.

So for me it wasn't just home life, I hated the job too.

[Anonymous]

It's not worth it unless you really don't care all that much about your kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m a lawyer and for years prior to Covid I left at 8 and generally came home at 7, but I could also take half days if I wanted to do things like the class party or doctors appointments for the kids. Is that stuff possible? I still did dinner with the kids every night. I used to joke that rachel ray with her 30 minute dinners was like a luxury — I could get dinnerin 10-20 and we ate mostly homemade. You sort of figure out some things that work or that you can precook or that you marinate before you leave and the nanny sticks in the oven for you. Then I’d do bedtime with the kids and make lunches and then do a couple more hours of work. Once I was into my 40s, it just really got too exhausting.
Also I just never did anything for myself, as I spent weekends with the kids. So I really felt like I was mostly there for them. But I do think PP is right that you can’t have it all….i never worked out, or hung out with friends, did girls weekends, etc.
I think one question I’d ask is how long this job will be this way ….

[Anonymous]

You need to decide what’s important to you. We can’t tell you that.

It’s hard, though. No one has it all. Every parent I know feels the constant pull of competing priorities. It’s frankly exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Op - how much do you make? Can you outsource everything including a personal assistant who can help you with admin things? My sister makes $800k and she has a personal assistant for 10 hours a week who takes care a lot of things for her.

My DH works your sort of hours and makes $500k-ish a year. He couldn’t do that unless I was mommy tracked. It’s impossible (I think).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was recently promoted to a senior management (but not c suite) role at my company after being in middle management for years. I have always worked hard (50+ hours per week) but had a pretty good work life balance and a flexible boss who never had an issue when I needed to prioritize kid stuff since he knew I would get my work done and be there when it counted.

It has only been 3 months in my new role but I am feeling pretty miserable and overwhelmed because it feels all consuming and my work/life balance has plummeted. Face time is a requirement in this role so I can’t really work from home more than once per week and I now need to be at the office by 8am for early meetings (vs 9am on my old team) so I am out the door by 7:15 and rarely get home before 7pm. Then I am with my kids for an hour and a half before I get back online for a couple hours before going to bed.

I feel like I am barely spending any time with my kids and so much is falling through the cracks because my job is so intense I often don’t have 5 mins to make a phone call or check my personal email during the day. I forgot to sign one of my kids up for an after school activity in time and the class all her friends are in filled up, I didn’t clearly read the school supply list for my oldest and forgot a ton of things. I am going to miss back to school nights due to work commitments and have zero bandwidth to be involved in the PTA or school like I have been in the past. I can no longer cook dinner for the kids (or eat with them) and feel like we are all not eating as healthy. And I have absolutely zero time to myself since I feel so guilty for being MIA all week I try to spend every second with them on weekends.

I could quit, but the challenge is that I actually enjoy what I do and got a big raise so the money is very helpful with 3 kids. My DH has a pretty big job too and works almost as much as I do, and we have an amazing nanny who handles a ton while the kids are in school (grocery shopping, returns, dry cleaning) as well as a housekeeper who keeps things in order.

Is anyone else in this boat? How do you get over the guilt of not being around enough? And how do you decide if it’s all worth it?

Has anyone left a demanding job - do you wish you did it sooner or feel like it was a mistake?

You don't.

It's not.

+1

In the midst of this grind, have dinner with your kids. Make that (and them) your priority from 6-8:30 PM. See how you feel then. Work will always be there.

[Anonymous]

Any specific task you could outsource or block time for, but you can't see your kids if you're at work. There are A LOT of us who are "underemployed" relative to our abilities and ambition, we just decided to do something else in order to get those few hours with the kids. No right or wrong answer but it's not like there's some secret you haven't discovered.

That said, there are a lot of fulfilling jobs that aren't "mommy track" - such as the one you just left. It's not like you have to quit. You could go back to your old job or one like it, until the kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

They promoted you knowing the work life balance you needed/enjoyed. They presumably know you have three kids at home. I had a big promotion a couple years ago and know the initial months are super hard. Put your kid events back into the work calendar where possible. If you have people reporting to you at work see where they can pick up an evening event or two and call it mentoring or giving a stretch assignment. Presumably your company wants to see you growing the people under you, too, so don’t think of this negatively. If you have to be there at 8, try leaving at 5 some days instead of 7 and just letting other management know you’ll take a call from the car or connect via zoom at home. I often work on the couch next to my kids doing their homework. It’s not ideal but better than not there at all. Part of the perk of senior management is being able to change some things to make it work for you and staff.