Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

I'm a liberal but honestly there's such a thing as family values. It's a choice of work/career focus v being a mom. As kids get older you drive them a lot. Like my second job is driving activities even with carpools. It's no joke. Kids are a full time job unless you luck out and have perfect kids which I have friends who do. But even then one parent has the flex to drive/be on call as needed. Careers take a lot of work. Flex in a job is awesome but on some level your time and focus is going to be on that career if it's a high visibility job which most are if you're that career oriented.

One parent has to be avail but more than that you have to choose if you want the pressure of balancing kids and career. If you need the money that's one thing but make no mistake that C Sandberg Lean In BS is a huge lie. You really cannot have it all work at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal but honestly there's such a thing as family values. It's a choice of work/career focus v being a mom. As kids get older you drive them a lot. Like my second job is driving activities even with carpools. It's no joke. Kids are a full time job unless you luck out and have perfect kids which I have friends who do. But even then one parent has the flex to drive/be on call as needed. Careers take a lot of work. Flex in a job is awesome but on some level your time and focus is going to be on that career if it's a high visibility job which most are if you're that career oriented.

One parent has to be avail but more than that you have to choose if you want the pressure of balancing kids and career. If you need the money that's one thing but make no mistake that C Sandberg Lean In BS is a huge lie. You really cannot have it all work at the same time.

I mean when you frame it that way, outsourcing like OP actually makes sense.

[Anonymous]

What about that day you WFH? Are you in live, mandatory contact with your office for 12 hours straight? Probably not. Can you rearrange those WFH hours so that you pick up the kids from school and go to the park, then get back to work later?

How much of your time is independent/movable around in your schedule? Are those 2 hours back online in the evening independent prep for the next day, overflow, overachievement, FOMO, imposter syndrome? Could you substitute 2 hours of actual, required office work for that uncompensated overtime and leave the office at 5 every day? When you work through lunch, is that because you are behind, or for some other reason? Can you take that lunch at the end of the day instead?

Making dinner yourself isn't all that: eating it with your kids is more important, so have someone else meal-prep and you rewarm. Get the kids involved in activities where you all participate (think things like collaborative music for tiny kids, Cub Scouting or family soccer for older ones, volunteering for teens) so that extracurricular and learning time comes with bonus time feeling good as a family. Pick some small thing that "your" thing for each kid and stick to it: one kid has breakfast "coffee" with you, another one comes with to walk the dog, another one is your errand buddy, so that they all get alone time with you, and it doesn't have to wait until the weekends.

Do not (do not, do not) guilt yourself over PTA meetings and things like that. If work is this demanding, your kids deserve you to stay the heck away from those kinds of things right now.

And finally, if mornings aren't quality time for your family and no one has to get to school super early, take that family time in the evenings, keep the kids up a little later, and let them sleep in after you leave in the morning. 10pm to 8am is still 10 hours of sleep if it works in your household schedule, and you are not getting quality adult leisure time in the evenings after kid bedtime anyway. Might be better/easier to get yourself out the door in the morning while the kids are still in bed and enjoy their company for longer when you get home. Incremental family time on weekdays will let you feel more tuned in to your kids and make the weekends less of an exhausting exercise in overcompensation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private school with kids from families like yours (I was a scholarship kid) and I was really surprised by the kinds of relationships they had (or didn't have) with their parents. I told myself I'd never go that route with my kids.

I ended up at an Ivy League school and a prestigious career track, and before I knew it, I was one of those parents with the money and the career, and not a great relationship with my kids. I loved my work, and it's not like I was a deadbeat parent - the activities happened, I went to important events, etc. But everything was so rushed and structured, and they were becoming little people with their own lives I wasn't part of. I couldn't outsource the main thing - just spending time hanging out with the people I love the most (which also includes my husband, btw, we were like business partners).

So, I cut back, and yes, I miss it sometimes but it was absolutely the right choice. I am running my own org now, so still challenging/interesting, but lots of flexibility, I have a great team that runs most of the day to day stuff. I am planning to lean back in when the kids are older.

This is me to T. Similar background and all. I feel I'm now living my best life and am in a good place to ramp up when I want to.

I'll slightly echo a PP though and say...I didn't have 3. Enough moms of 3 warned me it was a bad idea if career was important. I went for 1 (ideal) and had 2 (twins).

[Anonymous]

Husband and I both have demanding hours (his even more insane) but WFH. I couldn't imagine seeing our DC even less than we already do.

I met a bunch of your kids in college. Two very successful (RICH) parents in their impressive houses. Your kids were all on drugs.

[Anonymous]

Whoever makes less money needs to cut back their hours to be there more with the kids. Power couples who let nannies raise their kids because neither parent is willing to cut back at work are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You CANNOT have it all. They gave us a list of lies.

This, you made a choice to choose work over kids. I don't get why people who work that much have three kids. Pay the nanny more and have her take care of the shopping for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You CANNOT have it all. They gave us a list of lies.

This. I will not pass on the same lies to my DC! Difficult choices must be made when you bring children into the world. Thankfully families balance things all different ways these days, but it isn’t tenable for NO ONE to parent and expect well adjusted offspring.

[Anonymous]

I left a demanding job and I don’t regret it. A few years later I’m back to making the same amount of money at a different job with far fewer hours and a lot less stress.

Did you love your job before this promotion? Is it possible to go back to the role you had before? You only get one life and I understand the money angle but for me, I had to find the balance between making money and being miserable.

For what it’s worth, my husband also works about as much as I do and we’ve earned within $100K of each other at all times, so our salaries have always been pretty comparable. He is very involved and does half of the child and house related work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prioritize what is more important to you. Then you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

I’m also a liberal Ivy League educated, career focused but after having kids as a medical resident who I barely saw while working 80 + hours (and felt the long lasting consequences of this- trust me), I’ve decided to step back from work. At the end of the day, I am the only mom my kids will ever have. My career can wait but these 18 years are all I’ve got with them. It is 100% a lie that you can have it all.

If you decide to continue this path, the answer is a live in nanny. You should delegate basically everything to her. But think about whether you are okay with the outcomes / relationship you are building with your kids (and just the general stress of your family life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nanny can pull together an online list of school supplies that you then review and purchase.

You need to have a running list each day of things that need to get done and take 10 minutes each day to do it. You make the list at night for the next day/later in the week. You take that 10 minutes every day and treat it as sacred.

Leave your kids notes in lunch boxes - not generic ones but specific to what they have going on so they feel you're connected and aware.

Use your assistant at work - I am a C-suite assistant and do some personal things for the people I support (rsvp to personal events, coordinate with their travel agents, book personal and work reservations, get greeting cards, etc.).

This is begging for legal/HR trouble unless it's explicitly approved in corporate documents as part of the admin's job.

Get a personal assistant. Don't use employer's admin for personal needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]They promoted you knowing the work life balance you needed/enjoyed. They presumably know you have three kids at home.[/b] I had a big promotion a couple years ago and know the initial months are super hard. Put your kid events back into the work calendar where possible. If you have people reporting to you at work see where they can pick up an evening event or two and call it mentoring or giving a stretch assignment. Presumably your company wants to see you growing the people under you, too, so don’t think of this negatively. If you have to be there at 8, try leaving at 5 some days instead of 7 and just letting other management know you’ll take a call from the car or connect via zoom at home. I often work on the couch next to my kids doing their homework. It’s not ideal but better than not there at all. Part of the perk of senior management is being able to change some things to make it work for you and staff.

I have the utmost empathy for OP but I strongly disagree with the bolded. It's not your jobs responsibility to balance home and work for you. The flip of this is you knew those things and took the job so they assumed you had it all worked out!!!

That said, I do wonder if you can push back on some of these meetings or work from home more. Honestly though, it sounds like your schedule is pretty miserable and not working for you. I have been in your shoes and cut back with no regrets - the time your kids are little is short and they are my priority.

[Anonymous]

got a big raise so the money is very helpful with 3 kids. My DH has a pretty big job too and works almost as much as I do,

I don't believe you. I believe you are addicted to chasing income.
People raise more kids on far less money, very successfully. You don't need two "big jobs" to raise 3 kids with all their needs and opportunities satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]They promoted you knowing the work life balance you needed/enjoyed. They presumably know you have three kids at home.[/b] I had a big promotion a couple years ago and know the initial months are super hard. Put your kid events back into the work calendar where possible. If you have people reporting to you at work see where they can pick up an evening event or two and call it mentoring or giving a stretch assignment. Presumably your company wants to see you growing the people under you, too, so don’t think of this negatively. If you have to be there at 8, try leaving at 5 some days instead of 7 and just letting other management know you’ll take a call from the car or connect via zoom at home. I often work on the couch next to my kids doing their homework. It’s not ideal but better than not there at all. Part of the perk of senior management is being able to change some things to make it work for you and staff.

I have the utmost empathy for OP but I strongly disagree with the bolded. It's not your jobs responsibility to balance home and work for you. The flip of this is you knew those things and took the job so they assumed you had it all worked out!!!

That said, I do wonder if you can push back on some of these meetings or work from home more. Honestly though, it sounds like your schedule is pretty miserable and not working for you. I have been in your shoes and cut back with no regrets - the time your kids are little is short and they are my priority.

Yeah if that PP is right than the company is headed for discrimination lawsuits.