Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

I'm another mom with a "big job" who is leaning in and has a spouse with a similar job. Most of my colleagues are the same. I don't see kids who suffer. Instead I see kids thriving and having great relationships with their parents.

Just because it happened to you doesn't mean that all working moms are damaging their kids. And characterizing your mom as 'career obsessed' frankly sounds really misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

There has to be some degrees of separation here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lean TF out

Same here. I gave up a promotion that would have catapulted me to upper management, just so I could maintain my flexibility and work life balance.

I'm the primary parent and even with a nanny and a pretty hands on DH, things still fall through the crack sometimes.

Maybe when the kids are older I could lean back in. But in our current season it does not make sense for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lean TF out

Same here. I gave up a promotion that would have catapulted me to upper management, just so I could maintain my flexibility and work life balance.

I'm the primary parent and even with a nanny and a pretty hands on DH, things still fall through the crack sometimes.

Maybe when the kids are older I could lean back in. But in our current season it does not make sense for us.

This post is exactly why it’s not smart to lean in unless you’re 100% positive you will work the extra hours and spend less time on and with your family.

Now OP is going to risk working at all. I’ve seen quite a few women quit their jobs all together when a better option would have been to stop climbing.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're following this thread, I wanted to add that a lot of these scenarios are specific to your and your children's personalities, your work context, age of children, your expectations and needs both as a worker and a mother, etc.

Your situation is a mother of three (ages?) working 70 (?) hours a week with an hour commute both ways (?) and little to no downtime during the workday. You see your children from 7 PM - 8:30 PM four days a week, on the weekends, and for short periods after school when you WFH. Your DH is similarly situated.

Some working mothers are fine with this scenario and that may be dependent on their kid's ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do this. But you need to hire more help—a household manager or part time “family assistant” or someone like that who can take on household admin. You can’t be the one doing signups for kids’ classes. Anyone can do that. It’s insane to think that if you and dh both have demanding jobs that you should somehow do all of this. It’s going to be expensive but it’s an investment in your career.

Basically this. Not every job is going to allow for balance. If you choose one that doesn't, then you can really only do your career right now, so you have to delegate the family and all the invisible work of raising kids (the planning, etc.) out to someone else - a spouse, family member, or lots of hired help. That's your choice unless you choose a different work/life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm another mom with a "big job" who is leaning in and has a spouse with a similar job. Most of my colleagues are the same. I don't see kids who suffer. Instead I see kids thriving and having great relationships with their parents.

Just because it happened to you doesn't mean that all working moms are damaging their kids. And characterizing your mom as 'career obsessed' frankly sounds really misogynistic.

Let's all be real for people though: you don't see the damage until you see the damage. It really depends on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm another mom with a "big job" who is leaning in and has a spouse with a similar job. Most of my colleagues are the same. I don't see kids who suffer. Instead I see kids thriving and having great relationships with their parents.

Just because it happened to you doesn't mean that all working moms are damaging their kids. And characterizing your mom as 'career obsessed' frankly sounds really misogynistic.

I wonder if there is some selection bias here. In previous generations, it may be that women who chose those jobs were not ones who felt comfortable in a maternal role and work was a good way to run from that., whereas now, a woman that really loves being a mom but who also has a time consuming job will choose to allocate her non-working time to her kids and will stay connected with her kids despite her job. Just a possibility, as I agree that the teens I see now whose moms had “big” jobs seem really attached to their moms and generally well balanced.

[Anonymous]

I actually read lean in and the whole point is to lean in BEFORE your kids are born so that you are powerfully enough to have flexibility when they are actually here. It’s not “leaning out” to exercise workplace flexibility as a mom—it’s taking advantage of the fruits of leaning in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually read lean in and the whole point is to lean in BEFORE your kids are born so that you are powerfully enough to have flexibility when they are actually here. It’s not “leaning out” to exercise workplace flexibility as a mom—it’s taking advantage of the fruits of leaning in.

Marissa Mayer had a nursery built in her office at Yahoo when she had her twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually read lean in and the whole point is to lean in BEFORE your kids are born so that you are powerfully enough to have flexibility when they are actually here. It’s not “leaning out” to exercise workplace flexibility as a mom—it’s taking advantage of the fruits of leaning in.

Which is so stupid because life and success is essentially a pyramid. How many women are able to get to the level in which they can dictate their own company culture? Very few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually read lean in and the whole point is to lean in BEFORE your kids are born so that you are powerfully enough to have flexibility when they are actually here. It’s not “leaning out” to exercise workplace flexibility as a mom—it’s taking advantage of the fruits of leaning in.

Which is so stupid because life and success is essentially a pyramid. How many women are able to get to the level in which they can dictate their own company culture? Very few.

Not unless you have kids at the age of 47....but still, OP shoud not beat herself up about not making dinner each night. Get the nanny to do it (lots of healthy meal kits for sale--they're pricey but she can afford it) or get a meal delivery service.

[Anonymous]

There’s so many factors here. If OP is really only earning $250 k for those hours and her husband is earning similar for also long hours that I would really question how they are affording the help they need, after taxes etc. my husband works crappy hours like that but earns a lot more and honestly the only reason we are ok is because I leaned out. If you are a doctor or doing something really meaningful and those hours are really necessary you can try to make your life work around them by hiring help etc. I would not be ok with that little time with my kids long term but more than that I have trouble being the kind of parent I want to be when I’m on 100 percent of every waking hour and working multiple hours every night to catch up. YMMV.

If you are really doing this for the money I would follow the suggestions to push back hard on meetings and set some really firm boundaries about making it to school event that you care about and getting to your kids games and stuff. Not PTA meetings and obligations but stuff you actually care about.

[Anonymous]

What about the weekends? Do you spend time with your children then? Also, can you make quick calls to the nanny via FaceTime like right before they go to school, right when they get out, to stay in the loop? Agree that the nanny should have more roles like a household/child manager, taking care of supplies and afterschool activities. Do you use PM apps like Asana or Trello? You can coordinate with your many that way or even get a virtual assistant to help your house. I think you can manage it but you just need to delegate everything that's admin type for your kids, so that your free time/energy is spend really embracing the moment with them. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s so many factors here. If OP is really only earning $250 k for those hours and her husband is earning similar for also long hours that I would really question how they are affording the help they need, after taxes etc. my husband works crappy hours like that but earns a lot more and honestly the only reason we are ok is because I leaned out. If you are a doctor or doing something really meaningful and those hours are really necessary you can try to make your life work around them by hiring help etc. I would not be ok with that little time with my kids long term but more than that I have trouble being the kind of parent I want to be when I’m on 100 percent of every waking hour and working multiple hours every night to catch up. YMMV.

If you are really doing this for the money I would follow the suggestions to push back hard on meetings and set some really firm boundaries about making it to school event that you care about and getting to your kids games and stuff. Not PTA meetings and obligations but stuff you actually care about.

I can't imagine OP is the $250k poster. No one would work those crazy hours for that salary. Also this is basically the income (x2 salaries) of most of my social circle and no one can afford that much help (2 FT employees).