Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make and how much does your husband make?

250k each

If this is OP that is not enough money to miss out on raising your kids.

+1

My husband and I each make $300K but we work from home, work around 40 hours a week, don't work weekends, and take all our vacation every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once.

I was a big law partner and had my 1 child as an old mom after I made partner. I moved to govt work and yes took a large pay cut but it is 9-5, downtime during the day to do life admin stuff and very generous leave policies. I have gotten promoted a few time and now make more than I ever thought I would here. I did the big law stuff, the wining and dining, the sleepless nights, the trials that consumed me. And I was paid well for it - I saved all that money. I’m pretty happy with my life now however. I could not have done it with a kid (even 1 kid).

I don’t know what industry op is in and if there is a way to keep your feet wet and then go back to it.

I have also dipped in and out of big law and government and in-house. I plan to ramp back up once my kids go to college if I want to. But for now, I'm happy with the 9-5 and flexibility of in-house. I never thought I'd have more than one job when I was in law school but I'm actually really glad I've had the chance to move around as needed during different phases of my life. I look back on the longer hours and big trials and tons of travel and think there's no way I could do that now but before I had kids I loved it!

[Anonymous]

Are we sure the 250/250 poster is OP? Has OP come back to this thread? 500k with a recent raise being “big” meaning that amount of $ is new - supporting 2 full time employees (nanny and housekeeper? Or maybe I misunderstood).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

My understanding is that this is like the job that OP had prior to the promotion…45-50 hours/wk, some flexibility, etc. It sounds like now she is working an additional 15 hours a week and is busier when she is in the office.

[Anonymous]

OP disappeared she’s too busy working her 250k job

[Anonymous]

I work part time and have three kids and I constantly, constantly feel like I'm stretched thin and aren't giving each kid the attention they need. Something has to give OP.

[Anonymous]

I commented earlier (physician who makes ~500K… waiting while the fellow starts the first pt today…)

Seems like most think moms should lean out. This seems very regressive. Didn’t anyone here have a mom with a “big job”? Perhaps this board has a selection bias and is full of moms who have chosen to downshift?

I am in the 45-50 year old cohort, and plenty of women with whom I went to college and did medical training (Hopkins) had “big job” moms. Lots and lots of doctors, lots of lawyers, judges, professors, high level govt positions, etc. And this was decades ago!

I am here to tell you that the kids of these “big job moms” (I.e. my friends and colleagues) are doing great in mid life! Even though they had a nanny. And most have a great relationship with their parents.

So yes, it’s hard, but if you are smart and highly trained and have something to offer to society and can make it work, then I think women should go for it - and be supported by other women. There is a benefit to having women in influential positions.

[Anonymous]

PP - I also posted above (litigation partner). Most of the comments acknowledge the reality for many that, when both parents have “big jobs” and kids, you need to outsource more, or one or both parents needs to create more time/flexibility.

I don’t view it as “regressive” to stress different priorities throughout your career. And I think a progressive workplace is one that supports people during these phases. My seniority and years of established hard work enabled me to downshift to better balance my work and home priorities. I do think it’s regressive that caregiving work is valued so little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prioritize what is more important to you. Then you have your answer.

This is the only answer. You can’t have it all, OP.

[Anonymous]

You need at least 1 degree of separation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commented earlier (physician who makes ~500K… waiting while the fellow starts the first pt today…)

Seems like most think moms should lean out. This seems very regressive. Didn’t anyone here have a mom with a “big job”? Perhaps this board has a selection bias and is full of moms who have chosen to downshift?

I am in the 45-50 year old cohort, and plenty of women with whom I went to college and did medical training (Hopkins) had “big job” moms. Lots and lots of doctors, lots of lawyers, judges, professors, high level govt positions, etc. And this was decades ago!

I am here to tell you that the kids of these “big job moms” (I.e. my friends and colleagues) are doing great in mid life! Even though they had a nanny. And most have a great relationship with their parents.

So yes, it’s hard, but if you are smart and highly trained and have something to offer to society and can make it work, then I think women should go for it - and be supported by other women. There is a benefit to having women in influential positions.

I think one parent should lean out-it can be either parent. With the hours/workload OP describes (sounds like both are working similar hours), I think one parent should be "out" completely.

I am about the same age as you (I'm 49) and really know very few women with big jobs like this. The few I do know have only 2 kids, and are divorced.

[Anonymous]

I don't think very high capacity parents have to lean out. Me personally... I don't have the energy to give 200% to a career, to my kids, and then continue working into the night at 11pm, or waking at 4am. There are some people who thrive on that go go go lifestyle, but I definitely can't handle it. There is no amount of money that would make me able to handle it, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commented earlier (physician who makes ~500K… waiting while the fellow starts the first pt today…)

Seems like most think moms should lean out. This seems very regressive. Didn’t anyone here have a mom with a “big job”? Perhaps this board has a selection bias and is full of moms who have chosen to downshift?

I am in the 45-50 year old cohort, and plenty of women with whom I went to college and did medical training (Hopkins) had “big job” moms. Lots and lots of doctors, lots of lawyers, judges, professors, high level govt positions, etc. And this was decades ago!

I am here to tell you that the kids of these “big job moms” (I.e. my friends and colleagues) are doing great in mid life! Even though they had a nanny. And most have a great relationship with their parents.

So yes, it’s hard, but if you are smart and highly trained and have something to offer to society and can make it work, then I think women should go for it - and be supported by other women. There is a benefit to having women in influential positions.

No, there were several moms who posted about prioritizing big careers and “leaning in.” They just said their relationship with kids suffered. People are only saying lean in if you prioritize your career, but it comes with consequences. Most of the time. If you manage to “have it all,” good for you!

- daughter of a mom who was career obsessed. We are not close, and I do not intend to repeat with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

I lean TF out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think very high capacity parents have to lean out. Me personally... I don't have the energy to give 200% to a career, to my kids, and then continue working into the night at 11pm, or waking at 4am. There are some people who thrive on that go go go lifestyle, but I definitely can't handle it. There is no amount of money that would make me able to handle it, either.

No one can give "200%" to kids AND career. You can't even give 200% to one of them.