Ugh- text from my daughter at lunch

[Anonymous]

How is your daughter today? She will find her group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Uh in 2nd grade fine. In HIGH SCHOOL?? Did you go to high school yourself? You'd forever be known as the person who is so weird she was lunching with mommy - even if you just did it for 2 days, that would be your reputation until graduation. Better to eat alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Uh in 2nd grade fine. In HIGH SCHOOL?? Did you go to high school yourself? You'd forever be known as the person who is so weird she was lunching with mommy - even if you just did it for 2 days, that would be your reputation until graduation. Better to eat alone.

If your child is lonely and has a strong relationship with their parents, I think he or she would appreciate and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

A therapist would tell her to introduce herself to three new people a week and have a back and forth conversation.

As a formerly quiet teen, I don’t like this advice. This is real life, not an afterschool special. You send an awkward kid out to introduce themselves to three new people a week, you really risk making the situation worse.

They have to learn sometime. It’s a basic social skill talk to aspergers kids, teens and adults. Introduce yourself and have a couple questions ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Uh in 2nd grade fine. In HIGH SCHOOL?? Did you go to high school yourself? You'd forever be known as the person who is so weird she was lunching with mommy - even if you just did it for 2 days, that would be your reputation until graduation. Better to eat alone.

If your child is lonely and has a strong relationship with their parents, I think he or she would appreciate and enjoy it.

In HS?!?!

[Anonymous]

I think some people are taking the "texting with a parent is a social crutch" thing too seriously. On my daughter's first day of sophomore year at a new school, she had to sit with a group of girls that she knew vaguely but weren't super inclusive and ignored her. The person my daughter wanted to sit with had a different lunch. She sent me a quick text saying that her first day was going well but lunch was a little awkward (at her school high schoolers are allowed to use their phone in the hallways, when the teacher gives them permission, and at lunch). The next day she asked to sit with two girls from the class she had prior and then today another girl asked to join them.

All you have to do is ask. It's better to ask someone from your previous period. And yes, it is nerve-wracking for an introverted, quiet kid... but that's how you make friends. It's only the first week. People who will say yes to the new girl sitting with them in August might not be as inclusive in January. Friend groups/lunch groups are still fluctuating. A lot of kids have friends in a different lunch period and need to figure out who to sit with.

OP, I hope your daughter has a great year and makes some good, non-toxic friends!

[Anonymous]

Tell her to bring a book so she forgets about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to the school therapist. There are more kids like your daughter than you think. She can meet with your daughter, sometimes the therapists meets kids in a group with the same issue.

I ate alone a lot and continued to in college. I didn’t like it in high school but I preferred it in college.

+1 Reaching out to the school counselor may be a good move, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to the school therapist. There are more kids like your daughter than you think. She can meet with your daughter, sometimes the therapists meets kids in a group with the same issue.

I ate alone a lot and continued to in college. I didn’t like it in high school but I preferred it in college.

+1 Reaching out to the school counselor may be a good move, OP.

IME my kids' school counselors were fabulous in elementary and were not great in MS/HS. My daughter's MS counselor gave her very incorrect and hurtful information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Uh in 2nd grade fine. In HIGH SCHOOL?? Did you go to high school yourself? You'd forever be known as the person who is so weird she was lunching with mommy - even if you just did it for 2 days, that would be your reputation until graduation. Better to eat alone.

If your child is lonely and has a strong relationship with their parents, I think he or she would appreciate and enjoy it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Fairfax definitely allows it. I think it’s a sweet gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think some people are taking the "texting with a parent is a social crutch" thing too seriously. On my daughter's first day of sophomore year at a new school, she had to sit with a group of girls that she knew vaguely but weren't super inclusive and ignored her. The person my daughter wanted to sit with had a different lunch. She sent me a quick text saying that her first day was going well but lunch was a little awkward (at her school high schoolers are allowed to use their phone in the hallways, when the teacher gives them permission, and at lunch). The next day she asked to sit with two girls from the class she had prior and then today another girl asked to join them.

All you have to do is ask. It's better to ask someone from your previous period. And yes, it is nerve-wracking for an introverted, quiet kid... but that's how you make friends. It's only the first week. People who will say yes to the new girl sitting with them in August might not be as inclusive in January. Friend groups/lunch groups are still fluctuating. A lot of kids have friends in a different lunch period and need to figure out who to sit with.

OP, I hope your daughter has a great year and makes some good, non-toxic friends!

This! All life long!! Ask for the sale!!

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound very superficial but good looks and trendy outfits do help.
Signed, mom of an introverted, shy kid who is somehow labeled “a chill freshman”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I’m the HS teacher you’re responding to and I think this is the worse possible advice. They NEED to learn to navigate this environment without you. That may mean branching out to make friends when that’s hard or it may mean eating lunch and then hanging out in the library with a book , but in high school, mom CANNOT come sit and eat lunch with you. That’s not helpful at all and actually make things worse. It’s hard on them sometimes to adjust, and that means it’s hard for us, but being the soft space means listening and giving empathy, not rushing in to sit with them and ultimately torpedo their chances of adjusting to their new school and situation.

[Anonymous]

tell her to sit near someone who doesn't appear to be sitting with anyone else.