Ugh- text from my daughter at lunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Fairfax definitely allows it. I think it’s a sweet gesture.

It’s social suicide. Now is when lunch groupings are most flexible. This is when you want to figure out who else is also friendless and open to someone sitting with them. Mommy showing up would not only prevent the child from reaching out, it will label them the really weird kid and then no one will want to associate with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound very superficial but good looks and trendy outfits do help.
Signed, mom of an introverted, shy kid who is somehow labeled “a chill freshman”

It 100% does, per my freshman.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe the suggestion of the mom going to school and eating with the kid. It is completely insane. My DD and I are closer than the Gilmore girls, and I would never, ever do this. DD is not a kid who cares what people think and somehow, wants to be around me every single possible second. Like a damn baby. And she would also never do this.

But, she's cool with lots of kids so this isn't the sort of thing she usually struggles with.

Can DD go to the library? Leave school? Sorry if these things are covered I didn't read the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

At my kids’ high school, there’s one teacher who the kids adore who lets anyone come eat lunch in his classroom. He chats with them, they start to get to know each other. It’s kind of a safe space for the awkward, but it’s a nice option for a quiet kid, even if only temporarily or occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At my kids’ high school, there’s one teacher who the kids adore who lets anyone come eat lunch in his classroom. He chats with them, they start to get to know each other. It’s kind of a safe space for the awkward, but it’s a nice option for a quiet kid, even if only temporarily or occasionally.

My socially awkward husband had a high school teacher who did this and really, it was a lifesaver for so many kids. Bless those teachers who do this!

[Anonymous]

I really need to know if these are elementary school parents posting in here. NO high school parent would ever go have lunch with their kid - that's just crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

Fairfax definitely allows it. I think it’s a sweet gesture.

It’s social suicide. Now is when lunch groupings are most flexible. This is when you want to figure out who else is also friendless and open to someone sitting with them. Mommy showing up would not only prevent the child from reaching out, it will label them the really weird kid and then no one will want to associate with them.

+1 I had the same thought - social suicide.

[Anonymous]

OP here, checking back in. The second day was better - she sat with two girls she knew from an old club team. The issue, I now understand, is that the lunch block she's in every other day is part of a class she's in with sophomores, so she's finding it difficult to find a group to sit with.

I worry about her because she confides in me how much she wants friends, and how anxious she is about saying something stupid or being made fun of. (To my knowledge, this has never happened to her before, but her old clique of middle school girls from private school tended to make fun of others, which she hated.)

I am really trying to just listen and be there for her, but when you're child is struggling and asking for help, it's hard. Anyway, thanks to those of you that gave really good advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage her to approach someone else eating alone - they are probably also shy so it’s a good match!

Also: this is what the first week of high school is. And the first week of college. And grad school. And each new job. She needs to know she can survive this week and thrive in a new place.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.

What! Do not ever do this. Pick them up if they can leave, sure, but do not plop yourself in the lunchroom. You and your daughter will become famous at the hugh school-and not in a good way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really need to know if these are elementary school parents posting in here. NO high school parent would ever go have lunch with their kid - that's just crazy.

This. I only have a middle schooler and they would flip out if I even tried to set foot in the school at lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really need to know if these are elementary school parents posting in here. NO high school parent would ever go have lunch with their kid - that's just crazy.

This. I only have a middle schooler and they would flip out if I even tried to set foot in the school at lunch.

I threaten to show up on their birthday each year and it's great fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really need to know if these are elementary school parents posting in here. NO high school parent would ever go have lunch with their kid - that's just crazy.

This. I only have a middle schooler and they would flip out if I even tried to set foot in the school at lunch.

I think it depends on your relationship with your child. If he/she is lonely at lunch and sitting by themselves, they may really be happy to see and spend time with their parent.

[Anonymous]

My socially anxious daughter had no friends in her lunch - she saw another girl sitting alone and sat with her. This was yesterday, now this girl is coming over this weekend.

Help her role play maybe is she has social anxiety, but hopefully she finds a group at lunch soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really need to know if these are elementary school parents posting in here. NO high school parent would ever go have lunch with their kid - that's just crazy.

This. I only have a middle schooler and they would flip out if I even tried to set foot in the school at lunch.

I think it depends on your relationship with your child. If he/she is lonely at lunch and sitting by themselves, they may really be happy to see and spend time with their parent.

The relationship with your child doesn't matter at all. How she will be perceived by the other students if mom shows up to be lunch buddy will matter a great deal. She will not only have no one to sit with at lunch for the rest of the school year, she will likely make no friends as the weird girl whose mom comes to lunch with her.