Ugh- text from my daughter at lunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son also sat alone today. He didn’t know anyone in his lunch period. He also left his phone in his backpack back in the classroom.

Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

The soft love is for when she's at home, not for helping her run away from her life while she's supposed to be living it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

The soft love is for when she's at home, not for helping her run away from her life while she's supposed to be living it.

Some of you clearly have no experience what others of us are dealing with. It's like preschool moms lecturing teen moms on how to parent. Or childless people lecturing parents on naps or feeding or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Just take a pause, OP. It's going to be OK. My introverted son sat by himself for about about two months of 9th grade, and then finally found a friend. This year that one friend has a different lunch, so he's on his own again. But I've been through this enough times with him to know that it doesn't last forever. Eventually, they make a friend. You just have to be patient and try not to stress yourself out about it.

[Anonymous]

Agree with those who say to listen to your daughter, empathize. But don't over do it with "this must be SO hard, how did it go today? DId you sit with anyone? Let's come up with a plan for tomorrow" Just listen, calmly, with no major reaction. If YOU act like this is a big deal, it will feel like a bigger deal to her.

Agree with not engaging during the school day, don't let "hope you find someone to sit with at lunch today" be the morning topic of conversation. No texts right before lunch to tell her you love her. You need to keep busy during the day. Love her at home, listen to her but don't insert yourself or your worries.

This is hard- for her, and for a parent, but these are the hard situations that help kids learn now to navigate and getting better at these skills. Overdoing it from the homefront will communicate to her that you don't think she can handle it and it is a big deal- what you want to develop in her now is her own sense of control, that she can figure this out. It is ok if it is hard.

[Anonymous]

No one is saying to suck it up. But there is a difference between listening and giving one or two ideas and maybe a hug and moving on to something positive. As opposed to a text chain during school, all these suggestions, a sit down, go take her somewhere to feel good, etc...

When parents feel anxiety and need to fix things, it bleeds into the teens that they are the problem, they are the issues, I am bothering my parents, I am not normal, I am not going to say anything anymore OR I am going to bring them every problem to solve, since I clearly can't do things right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

A therapist would tell her to introduce herself to three new people a week and have a back and forth conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

aw, well this is the easiest time of all of HS to talk to people. everyone is looking to meet new people incl those w friends. everyone will be very open. everyone is having this convo or wants to even if distracted by old friends. wont be this easy again until college starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

A therapist would tell her to introduce herself to three new people a week and have a back and forth conversation.

yeah - work w her on initiating 2 "quality" approaches /intros day for 2 weeks, no matter what. everyone will be doing this exercise. then continue engaging w those people periodically. can use same nw idea for college, jobs etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

A therapist would tell her to introduce herself to three new people a week and have a back and forth conversation.

As a formerly quiet teen, I don’t like this advice. This is real life, not an afterschool special. You send an awkward kid out to introduce themselves to three new people a week, you really risk making the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

but thats all anyone is doing right now. first week of 9th grade. would be odd not to do this really. its the easiest way. from what i read the issue is simply that only a few hours passed. not inherently a red flag to eat alone if you havent spoken to anyone yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

Is this a joke??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

High school teacher AND a mom of a rising 9th here- I agree. 9th grade is so daunting for some kids. The structure of middle school is gone and high school feels so big and so unknown. No tough love. Encourage her that it WILL get better and the first couple days are rough for everyone even if it doesn’t look that way. Be her soft spot to land.

Could you maybe ask the school if you could go there and sit with her for lunch until she makes friends?

I think parents are allowed to come have lunch with their kids - at least in our county.