Ugh- text from my daughter at lunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too early for tough love. She may just need support and love at this stage.

I agree. School is hard. Let home be a safe and supportive place.

My daughter is also quite shy, but found a group of friends as a 9th grader last year. One thing that helped her was participating in a few clubs at school. Also encourage your daughter to be proactive and make plans with other kids outside of school. Invite someone or a few friends to a movie, football game, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a second. OP did Not say she texted DD. DD texted her.

Later, ask her if she wants to be heard, hugged or helped, stolen from a NYT article.

She may bond with someone this afternoon. Or once an activity/club starts. Starting HS is hard! Shyness is hard. A professor once defined it as being both warden and prisoner. I have no great solutions, OP, but sympathy.

Love this, stealing it from you.

[Anonymous]

Stop texting. Parents should not text or engage when their kids are at school! Leave them to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's first day of high school! Let her figure out.

Not every kid is outgoing and stuff like this is stressful for them.
She should ask someone in her lunch period class or I'm sure there is someone she knows. She is going to have to ask or sit alone. Those are the choices.

Hopefully she'll find someone, like my DD, who took in some kids with no friends in lunch period today, and welcomed them to their table.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter, OP. My mom’s attitude toward me was essentially tough love, and it hurt me terribly. It was much more painful to think my mom thought I just needed to buck up and be brave than it was to eat alone.

Someday your daughter will build enough confidence and skills to ask to sit with strangers at lunch. That isn’t today. Just make sure she knows you think she is wonderful just as she is, and she’ll figure it out. And she will!

[Anonymous]

OP it is very early on. My son had this same issue at the beginning of 9th grade, but by the second week he had gotten together with a boy from his pre-lunch class, and they ate together. By the end of the first month, they had some other boys join them. It all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter, OP. My mom’s attitude toward me was essentially tough love, and it hurt me terribly. It was much more painful to think my mom thought I just needed to buck up and be brave than it was to eat alone.

Someday your daughter will build enough confidence and skills to ask to sit with strangers at lunch. That isn’t today. Just make sure she knows you think she is wonderful just as she is, and she’ll figure it out. And she will!

I was the same way and for a long time internalized shame around the idea that it was all my fault I had no friends and I felt like my mom was judging me for it.

In this situation, I wonder if it would help to collaborate with her to figure out a plan for lunch that does not require her to approach other kids, but also doesn’t make her feel embarrassed for eating alone. Like, is there an activity she can do? Could she take a walk outside and listen to a podcast? Could she bring a book or a kindle or a video game to play over lunch?

In my case, pushing me to talk to people only made me feel like more of a loser and it would have been more empowering to think about how to use that time in a way that did not require me to do something I found deeply miserable (talking to strangers or kids I barely knew).

[Anonymous]

Ask her about the lunch set up. Is it traditional cafeteria set up? If so… Is there something she can do at lunch that doesn’t involve her phone? If she’s an artist, getting out her sketch book and drawing. If she’s not into art, sudoku, crossword puzzle, or something of that nature. If she’s crafty, crochet a hat. No phones, books, and especially do not go hide where she’s alone.

She’s not going to suddenly seek out friends and invite people. Don’t expect that. But what she can be is inviting. Tell her to look up and around. Likely there are other people sitting near her. She can make eye contact and smile. She can be doing something interesting that invites questions or engagement from others, and can be easily paused if someone reaches out to her. People might throw her art a compliment - that’s the way people less shy might dance around a possible connect. You just have to take the threads thrown at you and follow them.

-formerly shy introverted teen who moved a lot. And who became an extroverted adult.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all of you for your advice - you are all right that I need to let her figure it out. I also need to just listen to her, and not try to solve it for her.

It just hurts my heart when I think of her sitting there alone. Probably because I am also introverted and shy and find these sort of social settings really difficult. But, even as I type this, I know I eventually figured it out, and she will too. Just sucks.

[Anonymous]

But DD believed in me religiously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her be. Let her figure out. And stop texting with her during the school day.

Same. Another reasons kids shouldn’t bring phones to school. They can’t problem solve without mom anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

This. I was just like your daughter in HS. It sucks. The only thing as a parent I'd suggest you do to help is listen to her, and gently encourage her to get involved in some clubs, sports or similar to make connections. In time she will probably make connections and it will get easier. I also wouldn't text with her during the day. I can't imagine that is going to help either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her be. Let her figure out. And stop texting with her during the school day.

Same. Another reasons kids shouldn’t bring phones to school. They can’t problem solve without mom anymore

Yeah it’s sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her be. Let her figure out. And stop texting with her during the school day.

Same. Another reasons kids shouldn’t bring phones to school. They can’t problem solve without mom anymore

They also can’t meet anyone if their nose is in their phone. Add in some AirPods and it’s essentially announcing “don’t talk to me” this is why so many kids don’t have friends, not bc kids are any less outgoing.

If there had been cell phones I probably wouldn’t have made friends as a shy teenager. I had to look around and be aware of my surroundings and other people. Eventually you could spot potential friends over time.

[Anonymous]

I love it when teen parents whose kids have never experienced social issues try to lecture the rest of us. /s.

It's quite obvious you have no idea what we are talking about.