DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am. SAHM so the dynamic is a bit different but Apps are correct that you must be firm and insistent because what you allow will continue.

My H goes to work out in the morning before work which makes it so I cannot do the early morning mom routines you see online. If I want time to myself it must be in the evening so I book exercise classes in the evening. Classes work better because 1. They happen at a set time and have a cancellation policy so H can't just tell me to go later. 2. I just show up and don't have to also plan a workout routine.

The other thing is making sure the labor done around the house is visible instead of H assuming a magic cleaning fairy tends to everything. I have a weekly cleaning schedule so that I get to everything once a week but not everything is clean at the same time. So for example the bathrooms all get cleaned on Tuesday and get progressively dirtier throughout the week. Deep cleaning / organizing tasks usually also take place when H handles bedtime so no one is "sitting" and getting an "extra break" before kids are down

I am sure someone reading this will attack me and say I am a SAHM so why no Martyr myself. Well I already had a cancer at age 20 and am in remission for 10 years. I do a lot for my family but I want to be here for my family. It isn't my job to work so hard I get a reoccurrence and then have my H remarry as most widowers do Women morn men replace. All women should take care not to stress ourselves so much that we get sick our rates of autoimmune issues have risen dramatically through the years and it is the stress that is causing it

I’m glad you’re in remission and you’re able to stay home for your health.

But many of us don’t have that option.

Signed,
A single mom with primary custody whose husband talked a big game when there were no kids and then blew up our marriage and almost lives when our children were toddlers. Luckily I am the breadwinner and worked my way up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am. SAHM so the dynamic is a bit different but Apps are correct that you must be firm and insistent because what you allow will continue.

My H goes to work out in the morning before work which makes it so I cannot do the early morning mom routines you see online. If I want time to myself it must be in the evening so I book exercise classes in the evening. Classes work better because 1. They happen at a set time and have a cancellation policy so H can't just tell me to go later. 2. I just show up and don't have to also plan a workout routine.

The other thing is making sure the labor done around the house is visible instead of H assuming a magic cleaning fairy tends to everything. I have a weekly cleaning schedule so that I get to everything once a week but not everything is clean at the same time. So for example the bathrooms all get cleaned on Tuesday and get progressively dirtier throughout the week. Deep cleaning / organizing tasks usually also take place when H handles bedtime so no one is "sitting" and getting an "extra break" before kids are down

I am sure someone reading this will attack me and say I am a SAHM so why no Martyr myself. Well I already had a cancer at age 20 and am in remission for 10 years. I do a lot for my family but I want to be here for my family. It isn't my job to work so hard I get a reoccurrence and then have my H remarry as most widowers do Women morn men replace. All women should take care not to stress ourselves so much that we get sick our rates of autoimmune issues have risen dramatically through the years and it is the stress that is causing it

I’m glad you’re in remission and you’re able to stay home for your health.

But many of us don’t have that option.

Signed,
A single mom with primary custody whose husband talked a big game when there were no kids and then blew up our marriage and almost lives when our children were toddlers. Luckily I am the breadwinner and worked my way up.

Sorry your prior H reneged on his promises. Do you often get angry at other women instead of the men responsible for your circumstances?

I dislike the DC area because this mindset is so prevalent it is also a form of misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am. SAHM so the dynamic is a bit different but Apps are correct that you must be firm and insistent because what you allow will continue.

My H goes to work out in the morning before work which makes it so I cannot do the early morning mom routines you see online. If I want time to myself it must be in the evening so I book exercise classes in the evening. Classes work better because 1. They happen at a set time and have a cancellation policy so H can't just tell me to go later. 2. I just show up and don't have to also plan a workout routine.

The other thing is making sure the labor done around the house is visible instead of H assuming a magic cleaning fairy tends to everything. I have a weekly cleaning schedule so that I get to everything once a week but not everything is clean at the same time. So for example the bathrooms all get cleaned on Tuesday and get progressively dirtier throughout the week. Deep cleaning / organizing tasks usually also take place when H handles bedtime so no one is "sitting" and getting an "extra break" before kids are down

I am sure someone reading this will attack me and say I am a SAHM so why no Martyr myself. Well I already had a cancer at age 20 and am in remission for 10 years. I do a lot for my family but I want to be here for my family. It isn't my job to work so hard I get a reoccurrence and then have my H remarry as most widowers do Women morn men replace. All women should take care not to stress ourselves so much that we get sick our rates of autoimmune issues have risen dramatically through the years and it is the stress that is causing it

I’m glad you’re in remission and you’re able to stay home for your health.

But many of us don’t have that option.

Signed,
A single mom with primary custody whose husband talked a big game when there were no kids and then blew up our marriage and almost lives when our children were toddlers. Luckily I am the breadwinner and worked my way up.

Sorry your prior H reneged on his promises. Do you often get angry at other women instead of the men responsible for your circumstances?

I dislike the DC area because this mindset is so prevalent it is also a form of misogyny.

DP here. Do you see it outside of DCUM? I only see it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DH did this when our kids were little (they’re 21 and 17 now). Walked in and immediately went to the bathroom FOREVER. I had to firmly tell him just because I WFH (kids had childcare) didn’t mean I wouldn’t also like 30 minutes hiding in the bathroom at the end of the day. I encouraged the boys to knock loudly. And yes DH and I are still married.

The whole "I need a minute to decompress after I get home" thing drives me nuts because no one ever gives me a minute to decompress. I am generally awakened by someone demanding food or help in the bathroom every day. I do the school and camp run most days because DH has to leave for work too early to do it on his way. I also do pick up most days. In between I work and buy groceries and prep dinner and do laundry and tidy the house and plan vacations and do school/household ain because I have the "flexible" WFH job.

And then DH walks through the door at 6:30 pm and the kids (not me) will be like "hi dad, can I tell you/ask you/show you something!?!?" And he'll sigh heavily and say "I just need minute" and then disappear into the bathroom for a full half hour while the kids pester me and we either wait for him to eat (torture for the kids) or eat without him (annoys him and also not really fun for me because I barely get to eat as I'm trying to feed the kids).

But if I say "hey, I've also had a long day-- can you rally to co-parent with me when you get home and then when the kids go to bed we can both decompress?" I get an earful about how stressful his job his and that's not fair. My job can also be very stressful! But apparently that doesn't matter and I'm still expected to be the primary parent from 6am until 7pm every day because I WFH.

THIS IS MY LIFE and WTF ARE WE DOING

Meeeeeee toooooo

Also for all of you saying shame on us for having kids with a dud, these behaviors often aren’t present until the children are in the picture. If I had known my husband would spend all evening in the recliner zoned out playing games on his phone, I wouldn’t have married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have this problem?

I’ll be in the middle of making dinner and our two small kids will both be screaming at the top of their lungs or having some kind of emergency. And DH is nowhere to be found. I’ll later find him on the toilet, in his office, or lying down in our bed.

This happens over and over and over again...

Curious if others have run into this issue and how it played out over time?

So you have 2 young children and I guess throughout the course of their lives the DH has not changed time allocations. 5 years? Is some of the DH behavior newer or extended "breaks" as children got more mobile? Less napping?

Relatives house has a DH with no time/behavior/environment adjustment. Or child proofing adjustments until it's a major crunch/event seen by the DH in the very limited time spent with child. If anything is done or requested for child safety it's WW3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you also work OP? If you do what we did at that age after being incredibly stressed is throw money at the problem and we just got take out during the week. Or the kids had a bowl of cereal and some milk. Then when they went to bed I prepped a meal that could go in the crockpot so when we got home dinner was ready.

That time after the kids got home and we finished work was the worst time for us and the most stressful, trying to unwind from work, the kids are hungry and tired from daycare, etc.

Lol - throwing money at the problem would mean hiring a chef or a nanny who cooks. You were just a lazy parent who was satisfied with feeding your kids junk.

That’s great that you can afford a chef or nanny who cooks but most people can’t. Take out is way cheaper than hiring a chef. Best money we spent at that age. No prep work, no dishes to wash. Way cheaper than divorce.

Your repulsive attitude is why so many women become martyrs. There are plenty of healthy take out places with balanced meals. It doesn’t mean a mom is lazy who gets take out. Way better than trying to get a husband to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

I didn't know my husband had another wife. Hello, sister-wife!

I will never understand why it takes him an hour to poop when it can be accomplished in mere minutes. He also gets mad when I say he's "disappeared" because "you know I'm in the house!" I've gotten him to mostly announce when he's going to leave/disappear, but it's definitely not over 75%. And when the kids ask "where's daddy?" I just loudly say "I don't know, he doesn't announce when he's leaving."

[Anonymous]

Divorce will happen this situation…its just a matter of when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

Why is it OP’s responsibility to notice and narrate what needs to be done in the house? If she just disappeared and left her DH with 2 young kids and household tasks while she goes to lay down she would be a pretty crappy spouse/parent.

If I were OP I would just stop making dinner. Make sandwiches or something easy for the kids because you have to feed them. But I would not be cooking for this man nor doing his laundry or anything. I’d take care of myself and the kids. If he asks where is dinner I’d play dumb and be like oh I wasn’t sure where you were so I went ahead and ate some leftovers. You’re welcome to heat some up for yourself.

[b]

Because 1) what she is doing clearly isn't working, and 2) this is how marriage works -- communication. I was assuming OP still wants a marriage. Your suggestion is passive aggressive manipulation; I'd rather be divorced than act in the childish manner you suggest.

She’s already communicated to him she needs help and that didn’t work. So continuing to “communicate” more isn’t going to fix a thing.

Just not making dinner isn’t passive aggressive. It’s a natural consequence. Her telling him she needs help around the house isn’t working, so it’s time she drop the rope some and let him help pick up the slack.

The only one behaving childishly is her DH who is off hiding while his wife cooks dinner and cares for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

Why is it OP’s responsibility to notice and narrate what needs to be done in the house? If she just disappeared and left her DH with 2 young kids and household tasks while she goes to lay down she would be a pretty crappy spouse/parent.

If I were OP I would just stop making dinner. Make sandwiches or something easy for the kids because you have to feed them. But I would not be cooking for this man nor doing his laundry or anything. I’d take care of myself and the kids. If he asks where is dinner I’d play dumb and be like oh I wasn’t sure where you were so I went ahead and ate some leftovers. You’re welcome to heat some up for yourself.

[b]

Because 1) what she is doing clearly isn't working, and 2) this is how marriage works -- communication. I was assuming OP still wants a marriage. Your suggestion is passive aggressive manipulation; I'd rather be divorced than act in the childish manner you suggest.

She’s already communicated to him she needs help and that didn’t work. So continuing to “communicate” more isn’t going to fix a thing.

Just not making dinner isn’t passive aggressive. It’s a natural consequence. Her telling him she needs help around the house isn’t working, so it’s time she drop the rope some and let him help pick up the slack.

The only one behaving childishly is her DH who is off hiding while his wife cooks dinner and cares for the kids.

+1 Her DH is grown, he knows what he is not doing but has not been forced to change. He's perfectly comfortable with the way things are. And no, he doesn't need to be on the toilet for that long. The notion that OP should continue to make him dinner us preposterous. Gtfooh.