DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

I actually agree change is possible, but only if your husband really sees that your marriage is at stake and he wants to change.

My husband was a terrible partner when my daughter was born. I am still traumatized by him whining all day wanting to leave the hospital early after she was born because the pullout couch for dads was uncomfortable. He would order us takeout then plop it down just out of arms reach with no utensils while I was in the middle of marathon nursing sessions in the couch then head off into the kitchen to eat his own food. I would sit there smelling the food, ravenous, and crying. He would do “important errands” like driving an hour to the special cardboard recycling facility to offload Amazon boxes…meanwhile I wouldn’t have showered in 4 days, I was out of water, and I was stuck yet again on the couch with a nursing baby who screamed until she vomited whenever I put her down and who would only contact nap.

We had a marital blow up for other reasons and I brought up how crap he’d been as a dad and partner, and to his credit, ever since he has completely, 100% stepped up. I’ve been having health problems and he takes our toddler wherever she’s home. He makes all her meals. He’s the one who gets up with her at 6 am. He does all the laundry proactively. Truly, he has changed. But it did take a total threat to our marriage to get him into the headspace for it to be possible apparently.

PP here. Agree, I think sometimes it takes a really big fight to drive the change. I was dead serious when I threatened divorce and he knew it. I did not want to be married to that man. I think sometimes we pathologize anger in women when it is 100% warranted. Therapy was not one of the things that helped us. If anything, it made things worse.

This. I think therapy can help if the man truly wants to change and the clinician is very, very skillful at this kind of dynamic. But it won't do much for you if you aren't willing to hold the boundary at home. The only thing that causes change for this kind of passive, avoidant man is to make it very clearly more unpleasant for him not to change.

Have you considered hiding a very loud alarm in the bathroom and controlling it with your phone, so that it goes off when you want it to?

[Anonymous]

Look for his phone with Find My Phone and then start pinging it. That noise is loud!

But really, start assuming you will divorce him. Don’t have another kid, don’t buy a bigger house, etc. Be ready for Plan B.

And tell him this. “No, I will not co-sign for a larger mortgage because you don’t pull your weight and we may be divorced.” “Nope, I’m not co-signing for you to get a nicer car because this division of labor is untenable. I need to protect myself. At some point if I’m functioning like a single parent, then I might as well be one.” I would make clear that I was ready to plan a life without him and ask him to consider how he will handle two kids every other week on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

Op here. I’m glad you’re saying this. I really do see it as patriarchy!

God, this is so funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

This is a well known behavior that husbands do to escape. Turn off the WiFi every time he goes in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

Op here. I’m glad you’re saying this. I really do see it as patriarchy!

God, this is so funny!

No, it’s not funny. It absolutely is the patriarchy. I’m the pp a whose husband whined at the hospital but changed. I’ve talked to him about sexism and the patriarchy for many years, and only in the last two years has he said he finally understands what I’ve been on about and grudgingly agrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

Unless you have solid data to support this claim, it should be disregarded altogether.

High octane my ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you also work OP? If you do what we did at that age after being incredibly stressed is throw money at the problem and we just got take out during the week. Or the kids had a bowl of cereal and some milk. Then when they went to bed I prepped a meal that could go in the crockpot so when we got home dinner was ready.

That time after the kids got home and we finished work was the worst time for us and the most stressful, trying to unwind from work, the kids are hungry and tired from daycare, etc.

Lol - throwing money at the problem would mean hiring a chef or a nanny who cooks. You were just a lazy parent who was satisfied with feeding your kids junk.

[Anonymous]

This is funny because I (the wife and mom) have some of the traits described in this post. My kids know to wake up DH in the morning because, although neither of us are early birds, he is best able to keep his temper with low sleep. And I do often take 45 minutes to “brush my teeth and get ready” in the master bathroom on weekend mornings when we have nowhere to go.

Meanwhile he makes 3x my salary and works more hours, though largely from home. I do have some redeeming qualities however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

This. Tell him that if the only way for you to get a co-parent and some time to yourself is to divorce with shared custody then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

I actually agree change is possible, but only if your husband really sees that your marriage is at stake and he wants to change.

My husband was a terrible partner when my daughter was born. I am still traumatized by him whining all day wanting to leave the hospital early after she was born because the pullout couch for dads was uncomfortable. He would order us takeout then plop it down just out of arms reach with no utensils while I was in the middle of marathon nursing sessions in the couch then head off into the kitchen to eat his own food. I would sit there smelling the food, ravenous, and crying. He would do “important errands” like driving an hour to the special cardboard recycling facility to offload Amazon boxes…meanwhile I wouldn’t have showered in 4 days, I was out of water, and I was stuck yet again on the couch with a nursing baby who screamed until she vomited whenever I put her down and who would only contact nap.

We had a marital blow up for other reasons and I brought up how crap he’d been as a dad and partner, and to his credit, ever since he has completely, 100% stepped up. I’ve been having health problems and he takes our toddler wherever she’s home. He makes all her meals. He’s the one who gets up with her at 6 am. He does all the laundry proactively. Truly, he has changed. But it did take a total threat to our marriage to get him into the headspace for it to be possible apparently.

Here’s another great Zawn piece from Liberating Motherhood, about how men are at the root of much postpartum depression and how they can make recovery from childbirth and new motherhood so much better for their partners, if they wanted to:
https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/what-men-can-do-to-reduce-their-partners?r=3jztc&utm_medium=ios

[Anonymous]

You need to give him a taste of his own medicine, OP.

“Your turn to make dinner for the kids tonight, DH!”

Then … just leave the house. Come back in 2 hours.

See how he likes it.

[Anonymous]

Another piece from the Liberating Motherhood substack. So accurate.

Consider which of these privileges you or the men in your lives have. It’s probably most of them:

I know that someone else will register my children for school.
I know that someone else will know the signs of developmental disabilities and mental health issues in my children.
If I experience any stress at all while my partner is recovering from giving birth, people will tell her to do more for me. No one will ever tell me to do more for her, no matter how much she does or how little I do.
My partner will be judged for my parenting shortcomings.
I don’t have to worry about school supplies because someone else will do it for me.
I can leave the house and, without me giving my spouse instructions, they will care for my children properly and ensure the house is clean.
There is not an entire movement devoted to the claim that my decision to have children lowers my worth.
There is no widespread social discussion of how gross and weird my body is now that I have kids.
Someone else organizes my kids’ clothes, switches them out when the seasons change, and buys replacements.
Someone else usually makes my dinner.
Even if I never prepare or shop for a meal, my kids will still eat.
My basic hygiene needs are not treated as indulgent luxuries.
It is not a family crisis when I leave for a few hours.
No matter how much my partner does, society will never tell me that I am asking too much.
People do not make negative assumptions about my intellect or personality based on my status as a parent.
Someone else organizes my kids’ toys, donates or sells old toys, and replaces them with new toys.
Someone who is not me breastfeeds our baby.
Someone else gets up in the middle of the night with our children.
If I work, I am able to use my paid job as an excuse not to do things around the house.
Even if my partner works, I will use my paid job as an excuse not to do things around the house.
People often praise me for my parenting, even though my partner does more of the parenting work.
I criticize gifts for family members or my children that I did not plan, buy, or wrap for being too expensive, inappropriate, or otherwise the wrong choice.
If I show up in public with my children, I will be praised for being an excellent dad, or for giving mom a “break.”
I have never been shamed by a stranger for my parenting style.
If my kids are wearing inappropriate clothing—too small, too big, wrong season—no one will criticize me.
No one has ever blamed my parenting decisions on my hormones.
No one has ever blamed my emotions on my hormones.
If I have surgery or a medical crisis, someone else will take care of my children while I recover.
No matter how many foolish, abusive, or dangerous parenting mistakes I make, people will still label me a good father for trying.
Even if I have almost no involvement with my children, I will have a good chance of getting some variety of joint custody of them if my partner and I split up.
My partner cleaned or cooked during the 6 weeks after they gave birth to our child.
My partner got less sleep than I did in the 6 weeks during which she recovered from our child’s birth.
When my partner was giving birth, I slept for a portion of the time that they were awake and in labor.
I am not expected to entertain visitors.
If we go to an event or have company, I do not have to watch my kids, and they will still be safe because someone else will do it.
I have the luxury of believing things usually work out, and never considering that’s because someone else is doing the invisible work of ensuring they work out.
I do not help my children write thank-you notes or send presents to relatives, yet they still get sent.
I have never planned birthday party games.
I have never decorated for a birthday party.
My children attend summer camp or other summer activities, but I do not research those camps or register my child for them.
I do not pack my children for a trip, but they always have clothes.
When my family takes a vacation, the only thing I have to do is pack my own possessions and load the car.
I do not plan, make, or buy my children’s Halloween costumes, yet they always have them.
I do not know the specific age at which my child hit the following developmental milestones: walking, saying their first word, crawling, letter identification.
I have never made a birthday party invitation.
I do not know all of my children’s current clothing and shoe sizes.
I do not regularly pack a going away or day bag for my children when we go on a family outing.
When we go on a family outing, I do not plan the logistics, transportation, meals, etc.
I have never served on a school committee.
I have never chaperoned a field trip.
I have never packed a diaper bag.
I do not typically buy presents for our extended family, yet they still get presents.
I do not wrap the holiday presents.
My extended family gets holiday cards from our kids, but I do not make those cards.
We do family photos, but I do not schedule them.
I do not select and plan and buy outfits for family photos.
We send holiday cards, but I do not order them, design them, or mail them.
I don’t have to worry about doctor’s appointments for my kids, because someone else will make them.
I don’t have to worry about dentist appointments for my kids, because someone else will make them.
If I have to work or go on an outing, someone else will plan childcare.
Someone else will research and hire childcare.
Someone else will manage and pay our childcare provider.
Even if I don’t buy any presents for my kids’ birthdays, they will still get presents, because my partner or ex-partner will do it.
I don’t plan my kids’ birthday parties, but they still happen.
Someone else plans our family’s vacations and holiday events.
Even if I never schedule a playdate, my children will still get to see their friends on playdates.
If I am not around, my partner will maintain my children’s schedule and routine.
I don’t read parenting books, message boards, or information about child development.
My house will still be reasonably clean, even if I do not clean it.
If my child needs disability accommodations, no one will blame this on my anxiety.
If my child needs therapy of any kind, someone else will research and hire the therapist.
Someone else will RSVP for birthday parties or other events on behalf of my child.
I have not read books or websites about current practices in child nutrition.
I do not know the developmental milestones for my child’s age.
Even if I don’t pack my child’s school lunch, they’ll still eat.
I often relax while my spouse does chores around the house.
I do not typically book repair people to manage repairs around the home.
I do not thank my partner for the tasks they do around the house.
If I don’t notice the tasks my partner does around the house, no one will criticize me.
I do not maintain my children’s routines, diets, or schedules when my partner is away and I must care for them.
If I travel out of town, I can be confident that I will come home to a relatively clean house.
Someone else makes sure my dry clean-only clothes get washed.
I don’t plan or facilitate time with our extended family, but we still see them.
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.
I get to pretend that rare tasks, like changing the oil, take up as much time as the hundreds of tasks outlined above.
I do not do my own laundry.
I do not know where all of my children’s toys go.
I do not know where the clothing of every member of the house goes.
If I clean a portion of the house, I will leave a pile of items that I either do not want to put away, or that I do not know where to put. My partner will put them away.
I do not have to worry about planning educational outings for my children. Even if I never research events in my area, my partner will ensure we have something to do every weekend.
I complain about being tired when my partner has been up with the baby.
I have never discussed with my partner how giving birth psychologically affected them.
I have asked my partner to have sex when they were in pain after giving birth.
Someone will take flattering pictures of me with my kids, even if I don't ask them.
I will never have to teach my partner basic childcare or safety.
I will never have to make a parenting or household labor to-do list for my partner.
My partner does their household chores without being asked or taught.
My partner gets my children ready on time, and dressed in seasonally and occasionally appropriate clothes without being asked.
If we have a family event, my partner will dress and groom themselves appropriately without being asked.
I do not have to facilitate my partner's grooming or teach them how to groom themselves.
I feel entitled to become angry and resentful when my partner asks me to do household labor.
I don’t ever have to think about these privileges.
No matter how much my partner suffers, I will never conclude that it would be fair for me to do more than her. If she has a miscarriage, I'll still be able to count on her to run the household. If she has surgery or gives birth, she will continue to care for our kids. If her parents die, she will continue to do more to care for me than I do to care for her. If our child dies, she will be the one to plan their funeral. And very likely, I will offer her no emotional support through any of these challenges, and society will not judge me for my failure to do so.

[Anonymous]

OP if I were you I’d plan lots of time outside of the house where he has to care for the kids in your absence. Let him know you will be taking one evening per week and Saturday or Sunday mornings. Make plans and use that time to recharge so you have more patience for when you are nome. He agrees he needs to step up, so this gives him the opportunity to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

This is a well known behavior that husbands do to escape. Turn off the WiFi every time he goes in there.

They can use cell service if there’s no WiFi. But agree that he’s not pooping for so long. He’s pooping and then hanging out in the toilet so he can be away from you and the kids.

Send the kids up every time. “Daddy! Are you done pooping? Mom needs you to comes downstairs and help with dinner.”

[Anonymous]

I am. SAHM so the dynamic is a bit different but Apps are correct that you must be firm and insistent because what you allow will continue.

My H goes to work out in the morning before work which makes it so I cannot do the early morning mom routines you see online. If I want time to myself it must be in the evening so I book exercise classes in the evening. Classes work better because 1. They happen at a set time and have a cancellation policy so H can't just tell me to go later. 2. I just show up and don't have to also plan a workout routine.

The other thing is making sure the labor done around the house is visible instead of H assuming a magic cleaning fairy tends to everything. I have a weekly cleaning schedule so that I get to everything once a week but not everything is clean at the same time. So for example the bathrooms all get cleaned on Tuesday and get progressively dirtier throughout the week. Deep cleaning / organizing tasks usually also take place when H handles bedtime so no one is "sitting" and getting an "extra break" before kids are down

I am sure someone reading this will attack me and say I am a SAHM so why no Martyr myself. Well I already had a cancer at age 20 and am in remission for 10 years. I do a lot for my family but I want to be here for my family. It isn't my job to work so hard I get a reoccurrence and then have my H remarry as most widowers do Women morn men replace. All women should take care not to stress ourselves so much that we get sick our rates of autoimmune issues have risen dramatically through the years and it is the stress that is causing it