DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

Op here. I’m glad you’re saying this. I really do see it as patriarchy!

Have you read any of the articles on Zawn? She talks about this very thing and men not pulling their weight. The one I identify with is the myth of the bumbling husband. Essentially men act incompetent or detach to not be responsible or pull their weight.

[Anonymous]

Some men see their wives as a household appliance instead of a person. You feel bad for a person who's exhausted from doing too much work by themselves, and want to help them so they stop feeling that way. But tools don't have feelings. If a dishwasher starts making too much annoying noise, you just throw it out and get a new one. It seems like you've been completely depersonalized in your own house.

[Anonymous]

I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DH did this when our kids were little (they’re 21 and 17 now). Walked in and immediately went to the bathroom FOREVER. I had to firmly tell him just because I WFH (kids had childcare) didn’t mean I wouldn’t also like 30 minutes hiding in the bathroom at the end of the day. I encouraged the boys to knock loudly. And yes DH and I are still married.

The whole "I need a minute to decompress after I get home" thing drives me nuts because no one ever gives me a minute to decompress. I am generally awakened by someone demanding food or help in the bathroom every day. I do the school and camp run most days because DH has to leave for work too early to do it on his way. I also do pick up most days. In between I work and buy groceries and prep dinner and do laundry and tidy the house and plan vacations and do school/household ain because I have the "flexible" WFH job.

And then DH walks through the door at 6:30 pm and the kids (not me) will be like "hi dad, can I tell you/ask you/show you something!?!?" And he'll sigh heavily and say "I just need minute" and then disappear into the bathroom for a full half hour while the kids pester me and we either wait for him to eat (torture for the kids) or eat without him (annoys him and also not really fun for me because I barely get to eat as I'm trying to feed the kids).

But if I say "hey, I've also had a long day-- can you rally to co-parent with me when you get home and then when the kids go to bed we can both decompress?" I get an earful about how stressful his job his and that's not fair. My job can also be very stressful! But apparently that doesn't matter and I'm still expected to be the primary parent from 6am until 7pm every day because I WFH.

Geez, why have a divorce when you can have a spouse like this? Does he even have redeeming qualities?? Sorry pp, I hope as your kids get older it gets easier on you. He clearly has no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ladies dealing with this kind of crap from husbands need to do yourselves a favor and start reading this feminist substack called Liberating Motherhood.

This entry is on the disappearing into the bathroom trick used by millions of men to avoid fair play: https://zawn.substack.com/p/feminist-advice-friday-my-husband-2bb

Thank you for this article and this substack, PP. The solution to kill the wifi when he does this (and switch phone to a data-limited plan) is brilliant. Has anyone tried this, and has it worked?

[Anonymous]

Wake up ladies. Our husbands are reading about sports and watching porn in the bathroom. I heard it when my husband forgot to turn off the volume. This was before we had kids, but I doubt the habit has stopped. But at least he has the decency to not disappear in the bathroom for a half hour until after they’re in bed. TBH I use the bathroom as an excuse for a mental break too sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

I agree change is possible. But in my experience it's an uphill battle and I don't think things will ever actually be equal between us. DH is better in place than he used to be. Some stuff is the same.

What is annoying is that DH actually does contemplate sometimes what it would be like if I left him and it scares him and he'll be a great partner for a while when this happens. And then he'll get comforable and start slacking and it's not until I start complaining that he gets it together again. It's like I have to stay on him all the time or he'll take advantage which is a crap feeling.

We have a DD and I will be telling her about the importance of marrying someone who pulls their weight without being asked or cajoled into it. One reason I do actually stay on my DH is that I don't ever want to model for her that it's okay for a mother to just do it all while her partner slacks because it's easier than asking for better. I ask for better. I want my DD to know she deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

I actually agree change is possible, but only if your husband really sees that your marriage is at stake and he wants to change.

My husband was a terrible partner when my daughter was born. I am still traumatized by him whining all day wanting to leave the hospital early after she was born because the pullout couch for dads was uncomfortable. He would order us takeout then plop it down just out of arms reach with no utensils while I was in the middle of marathon nursing sessions in the couch then head off into the kitchen to eat his own food. I would sit there smelling the food, ravenous, and crying. He would do “important errands” like driving an hour to the special cardboard recycling facility to offload Amazon boxes…meanwhile I wouldn’t have showered in 4 days, I was out of water, and I was stuck yet again on the couch with a nursing baby who screamed until she vomited whenever I put her down and who would only contact nap.

We had a marital blow up for other reasons and I brought up how crap he’d been as a dad and partner, and to his credit, ever since he has completely, 100% stepped up. I’ve been having health problems and he takes our toddler wherever she’s home. He makes all her meals. He’s the one who gets up with her at 6 am. He does all the laundry proactively. Truly, he has changed. But it did take a total threat to our marriage to get him into the headspace for it to be possible apparently.

[Anonymous]

If you are truly willing to risk your marriage over this, take a hard line. First, if your bathroom door has a lock, disable the lock. Take a screwdriver and un-install it. Then, after your DH has had 10 minutes in the bathroom, go stand in the bathroom and tell him hiding time is over. Tell him you will not leave the bathroom until he does. This will trigger a yelling fight-- he will really freak out when he realizes you are serious. Do not cook dinner or do anything other than be in the bathroom. Say "I will start cooking dinner when you stop hiding and come deal with the kids." If he comes downstairs and then starts hiding again, you stop cooking and go stand in his hiding place and repeat the process.

If you're not willing to risk your marriage, then I would work on this from the kid angle. Teach them that they may not interrupt you when you are cooking, at all period. This means that you DENY EVERY REQUEST no matter how simple. No drinks of water, no band-aids, no hugs, no nothing. "I am cooking so you can't be in here." Over and over and over. If you meet their request even once, you'll ruin it.

I am sorry that your DH sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get 10000% comfortable being accused of "nagging", "shrew", whatever other nasty things men say when their BS is called out. Think of a response to say every time and just repeat it over and over. Something like "So stop hiding." Flat and cold.

Right now your fear of seeming mean or being called names is stopping you from fixing this problem. Get over that fear and it will free you.

[Anonymous]

My husband appreciates some time to decompress when he gets home from work. He likes to go lie down for a few minutes or take a shower. You know what happens when that's not convenient because he's home late and the kids are hungry, or dinner timing isn't what I expected and we need to eat, or someone needs to go somewhere? He sits down with the rest of the family and does his best to be pleasant company.

[Anonymous]

OP, I notice you've placed this in Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers rather than Relationships. I think with kids this age, it's really normal for both parents to feel completely overburdened, touched out, overstimulated, exhausted, and desperate for a little bit of solitude. Which is not to say that your DH's behavior is ok-- it isn't! But when my kids were this little, we had a regular Saturday morning babysitter so that each parent could have some quiet time alone separately. It made a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young. This wasn't the deal breaker, but close. I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever. Not pushing for divorce, but he won't change.

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

I actually agree change is possible, but only if your husband really sees that your marriage is at stake and he wants to change.

My husband was a terrible partner when my daughter was born. I am still traumatized by him whining all day wanting to leave the hospital early after she was born because the pullout couch for dads was uncomfortable. He would order us takeout then plop it down just out of arms reach with no utensils while I was in the middle of marathon nursing sessions in the couch then head off into the kitchen to eat his own food. I would sit there smelling the food, ravenous, and crying. He would do “important errands” like driving an hour to the special cardboard recycling facility to offload Amazon boxes…meanwhile I wouldn’t have showered in 4 days, I was out of water, and I was stuck yet again on the couch with a nursing baby who screamed until she vomited whenever I put her down and who would only contact nap.

We had a marital blow up for other reasons and I brought up how crap he’d been as a dad and partner, and to his credit, ever since he has completely, 100% stepped up. I’ve been having health problems and he takes our toddler wherever she’s home. He makes all her meals. He’s the one who gets up with her at 6 am. He does all the laundry proactively. Truly, he has changed. But it did take a total threat to our marriage to get him into the headspace for it to be possible apparently.

PP here. Agree, I think sometimes it takes a really big fight to drive the change. I was dead serious when I threatened divorce and he knew it. I did not want to be married to that man. I think sometimes we pathologize anger in women when it is 100% warranted. Therapy was not one of the things that helped us. If anything, it made things worse.

[Anonymous]

My ex used to do this. I got to the point where I had a secret stash of activities that required a bit of parental help for the kids, and I had to say “daddy’s going to pull out the fun box now!”
Just to grab a quick shower.
It worked.
Then he just left one day.