DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else have this problem?

I’ll be in the middle of making dinner and our two small kids will both be screaming at the top of their lungs or having some kind of emergency. And DH is nowhere to be found. I’ll later find him on the toilet, in his office, or lying down in our bed.

This happens over and over and over again. Our house is relatively spread out so I can’t just yell for him. Even if he can hear me, he doesn’t answer.

I know this is a DH problem. I’ve tried talking to him about it and it never gets better. We’ve even gone to therapy.

Any other tips or tricks for this? Another strategy I try is refusing to help my kids or answer their questions when DH randomly disappears. I just tell them over and over again “Dad will help! Go find Dad!” But my kids have learned over time that DH doesn’t help them so they don’t ask him for things.

Curious if others have run into this issue and how it played out over time?

[Anonymous]

yes my DH is like this and it drives me insane. My DH has ADD and the noise of the kids and the racket sometimes is overstimulating for him but I keep telling him to TELL me if he needs a break. Its an uphill battle and I have no clue how to fix. I feel you OP.

Today i disappeared while he was making lunch and he said "where did you go?" I need your help? maybe this will help it click? who knows

[Anonymous]

Pick up the children take them to their father and say watch them while I make dinner

[Anonymous]

If you can’t yell, call his phone.

[Anonymous]

Have you ladies watched Fair Play with your husbands?

They need to get their heads out and step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t yell, call his phone.

Op here. I do and it makes DH crazy. Sometimes I will call him a dozen times in a single day (because that’s how many times he just disappears). You’d think that he would just stop disappearing if he hates me chasing him down. But it doesn’t work. It’s this awful dynamic that we have that plays out over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ladies watched Fair Play with your husbands?

They need to get their heads out and step up.

Op here. I agree but I don’t have the power to force other people to do things.

[Anonymous]

On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

[Anonymous]

You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t yell, call his phone.

Op here. I do and it makes DH crazy. Sometimes I will call him a dozen times in a single day (because that’s how many times he just disappears). You’d think that he would just stop disappearing if he hates me chasing him down. But it doesn’t work. It’s this awful dynamic that we have that plays out over and over again.

Have you sat down to talk about it not in the heat of the moment? You don’t like this, he doesn’t like this… And if you did how did that conversation go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t yell, call his phone.

Op here. I do and it makes DH crazy. Sometimes I will call him a dozen times in a single day (because that’s how many times he just disappears). You’d think that he would just stop disappearing if he hates me chasing him down. But it doesn’t work. It’s this awful dynamic that we have that plays out over and over again.

Have you sat down to talk about it not in the heat of the moment? You don’t like this, he doesn’t like this… And if you did how did that conversation go?

Op here. Yes I have. He does one of two things. Either he just yesses me to death and then changes nothing. Or he minimizes/denies that the problem exists or that it’s pervasive enough to warrant discussing. We went to therapy and it was more of the same. And somehow I always seem to come out of this equation looking like a shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to threaten divorce and mean it, I suppose. Or accept your lot. Patriarchy doesn’t concede without a fight.

Op here. I’m glad you’re saying this. I really do see it as patriarchy!

[Anonymous]

I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

Are you kidding? Most men don’t need 2 hours a day on the toilet to poop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t yell, call his phone.

Op here. I do and it makes DH crazy. Sometimes I will call him a dozen times in a single day (because that’s how many times he just disappears). You’d think that he would just stop disappearing if he hates me chasing him down. But it doesn’t work. It’s this awful dynamic that we have that plays out over and over again.

Have you sat down to talk about it not in the heat of the moment? You don’t like this, he doesn’t like this… And if you did how did that conversation go?

Op here. Yes I have. He does one of two things. Either he just yesses me to death and then changes nothing. Or he minimizes/denies that the problem exists or that it’s pervasive enough to warrant discussing. We went to therapy and it was more of the same. And somehow I always seem to come out of this equation looking like a shrew.

That sounds infuriating. What does *he* want you to do if you need his help?