DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I work.

Yes I’ve tried leaving and making it DH’s problem. It doesn’t magically make him understand in a way that he didn’t before. Also, if I leave the kids just won’t get fed. Or at best they’ll scrounge something on their own from the fridge, or if DH is being super dad he might order pizza. These things are fine if they happen once or occasionally but not as a big picture solution. All of the problems and work just wait for me until my return and then I just have more to do when I get back. DH still spends tons of time of the toilet. He just ignores the kids.

So you play with the kids and let him take care of dinner. When he gets tired of handling it every night, offer to switch off. If he doesn’t handle the kids while you’re making dinner stop and handle the kids until he’s back on kid duty then resume dinner making. Don’t stress over it, let him. Stop being a martyr and either have a conversation and make a plan, or just let him figure it out.

Lol right. What happens if OP plays with the kids is that her DH stays in the bathroom/bedroom until 7pm and says “what’s for dinner”? Then either orders pizza or gets something for himself, ignoring hungry kids. Your type always chimes in on these threads as if it’s the woman’s fault her DH is a deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

If they divorce, these poor introverted, stressed out dads are going to have to parent solo half the time. However will they do it?

People on DCUM always assume that after divorce it will be 50/50. Judges order 50/50 in situations where both parents want the kids as much as possible. That's true. But there are plenty of parents who don't want that and don't pursue 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I work.

Yes I’ve tried leaving and making it DH’s problem. It doesn’t magically make him understand in a way that he didn’t before. Also, if I leave the kids just won’t get fed. Or at best they’ll scrounge something on their own from the fridge, or if DH is being super dad he might order pizza. These things are fine if they happen once or occasionally but not as a big picture solution. All of the problems and work just wait for me until my return and then I just have more to do when I get back. DH still spends tons of time of the toilet. He just ignores the kids.

So you play with the kids and let him take care of dinner. When he gets tired of handling it every night, offer to switch off. If he doesn’t handle the kids while you’re making dinner stop and handle the kids until he’s back on kid duty then resume dinner making. Don’t stress over it, let him. Stop being a martyr and either have a conversation and make a plan, or just let him figure it out.

Lol right. What happens if OP plays with the kids is that her DH stays in the bathroom/bedroom until 7pm and says “what’s for dinner”? Then either orders pizza or gets something for himself, ignoring hungry kids. Your type always chimes in on these threads as if it’s the woman’s fault her DH is a deadbeat.

It is her fault her DH is a deadbeat. She picked him and then keeps him. She can be a martyr or she can stand up for herself. If my husband didn’t feed my hungry kids multiple days in a row he wouldn’t be my husband anymore.

[Anonymous]

Don't have anymore kids. Sucks that you're a married single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

The problem with this is it sets up a dynamic where she acts like she is in charge and a task master and he is a helper.

[Anonymous]

My BIL does a variation of this, where he leaves my sister with the kids to work on outside projects. And she can’t complain, because he’s doing home projects that are technically useful, except then she has to spend the whole time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the toilet? Well, if he's there I assume he needs to be.

At any rate, you need to be a stronger communicator.

"I need you to take the kids out to the backyard to play on the swing while I make this casserole."

"The girls are throwing things at each other and screaming and I need you to make that stop and sit in front of Bluey with them while I make this stir fry."

"I need you to make dinner once a week -- it can be anything, and as easy as you want -- let's choose a day now."

Are you kidding? Most men don’t need 2 hours a day on the toilet to poop.

Yeah he’s just scrolling his phone in there, maybe looking at the porn

[Anonymous]

Why did you have kids with this man? He sounds incompetent.

[Anonymous]

My husband sucks too, OP. One thing I’ve learned is that he’s not a good teammate. He’s never going to just look around and pitch in. So the only way to get some balance is to split up. You have to physically leave him with the children. They’ll probably watch TV more than with you and there will be a mess waiting for you when you get back, but you will get some valuable alone/recharging time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

If they divorce, these poor introverted, stressed out dads are going to have to parent solo half the time. However will they do it?

People on DCUM always assume that after divorce it will be 50/50. Judges order 50/50 in situations where both parents want the kids as much as possible. That's true. But there are plenty of parents who don't want that and don't pursue 50/50 custody.

My DH would pursue 50/50 but he would “have to work” constantly and probably hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have kids with this man? He sounds incompetent.

NP with a DH who sounds exactly like OP's. You do realize people can change, right?? I had no warning ahead of time. My DH was involved around the house, attentive, and desperately wanted kids (we went through several years of infertility and IVF, and he was all in). Once the reality of parenthood set in, he turned into his old-school Midwestern dad, who never lifted a single finger to help his wife while she worked and raised their 3 kids essentially on her own.
I guess I should have paid more attention to the dynamic between my MIL/FIL and completely ignored the fact that my DH said he didn't want to be anything like his dad. DH does the bathroom disappearing act like clockwork, daily. And he is full-time WFH! He spends hours playing video games in his office. Any time I speak up, I'm accused of being a nag. The only reason I stay is that I don't want him having partial custody of the kids, and I know he would pursue that due to pressure from his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

My ex spends an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. I have never seen anything like it. Even the kids say things about it. And he is still in my bathroom. He will come to pick up kids and has to poop multiple times during a pick up!

[Anonymous]

Do not have another kid with this man

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. And I hate posters guilting you for not knowing he was going to be a lazy dad when you married him. Men can change a lot in their 30s and it’s really very hard to know what kind of dad someone will be until they are one.

I’m sorry to say that you’ve got to start making it his problem. It’s work for you but at least you will be standing up for yourself. Call that man and tell him he needs to come take care of the kids. Bring them upstairs to sit with him. Whatever. But the kids and him need to know that you are not the only go to adult in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DH did this when our kids were little (they’re 21 and 17 now). Walked in and immediately went to the bathroom FOREVER. I had to firmly tell him just because I WFH (kids had childcare) didn’t mean I wouldn’t also like 30 minutes hiding in the bathroom at the end of the day. I encouraged the boys to knock loudly. And yes DH and I are still married.

The whole "I need a minute to decompress after I get home" thing drives me nuts because no one ever gives me a minute to decompress. I am generally awakened by someone demanding food or help in the bathroom every day. I do the school and camp run most days because DH has to leave for work too early to do it on his way. I also do pick up most days. In between I work and buy groceries and prep dinner and do laundry and tidy the house and plan vacations and do school/household ain because I have the "flexible" WFH job.

And then DH walks through the door at 6:30 pm and the kids (not me) will be like "hi dad, can I tell you/ask you/show you something!?!?" And he'll sigh heavily and say "I just need minute" and then disappear into the bathroom for a full half hour while the kids pester me and we either wait for him to eat (torture for the kids) or eat without him (annoys him and also not really fun for me because I barely get to eat as I'm trying to feed the kids).

But if I say "hey, I've also had a long day-- can you rally to co-parent with me when you get home and then when the kids go to bed we can both decompress?" I get an earful about how stressful his job his and that's not fair. My job can also be very stressful! But apparently that doesn't matter and I'm still expected to be the primary parent from 6am until 7pm every day because I WFH.

THIS IS MY LIFE and WTF ARE WE DOING