DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

[Anonymous]

I think he needs to experience it from the other side. I think that you should tell him that since you often have responsibilities for the kids and dinner at the same time, on Monday, you're going to take the night off. You'll probably need to go for a walk or to the store or something, to force the issue, but let him try to do both. Maybe he'll do a great job, and then you can alternate nights. Maybe he'll do a mediocre job, and you'll decide you can live with that, and alternate nights. Maybe he'll realize that what he's putting on you isn't fair and at least be more open to discussing.

Then, once he's had that responsibility once or twice, have a conversation about how tasks should be divided up. Maybe he takes the kids to one of the parts of your house where you can't hear. Maybe he takes over cooking. Maybe you alternate nights. But I don't think he's going to be able to problem solve without really understanding the problem. So, I'd leave him alone a few times first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DH did this when our kids were little (they’re 21 and 17 now). Walked in and immediately went to the bathroom FOREVER. I had to firmly tell him just because I WFH (kids had childcare) didn’t mean I wouldn’t also like 30 minutes hiding in the bathroom at the end of the day. I encouraged the boys to knock loudly. And yes DH and I are still married.

The whole "I need a minute to decompress after I get home" thing drives me nuts because no one ever gives me a minute to decompress. I am generally awakened by someone demanding food or help in the bathroom every day. I do the school and camp run most days because DH has to leave for work too early to do it on his way. I also do pick up most days. In between I work and buy groceries and prep dinner and do laundry and tidy the house and plan vacations and do school/household ain because I have the "flexible" WFH job.

And then DH walks through the door at 6:30 pm and the kids (not me) will be like "hi dad, can I tell you/ask you/show you something!?!?" And he'll sigh heavily and say "I just need minute" and then disappear into the bathroom for a full half hour while the kids pester me and we either wait for him to eat (torture for the kids) or eat without him (annoys him and also not really fun for me because I barely get to eat as I'm trying to feed the kids).

But if I say "hey, I've also had a long day-- can you rally to co-parent with me when you get home and then when the kids go to bed we can both decompress?" I get an earful about how stressful his job his and that's not fair. My job can also be very stressful! But apparently that doesn't matter and I'm still expected to be the primary parent from 6am until 7pm every day because I WFH.

[Anonymous]

Do you also work OP? If you do what we did at that age after being incredibly stressed is throw money at the problem and we just got take out during the week. Or the kids had a bowl of cereal and some milk. Then when they went to bed I prepped a meal that could go in the crockpot so when we got home dinner was ready.

That time after the kids got home and we finished work was the worst time for us and the most stressful, trying to unwind from work, the kids are hungry and tired from daycare, etc.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes I work.

Yes I’ve tried leaving and making it DH’s problem. It doesn’t magically make him understand in a way that he didn’t before. Also, if I leave the kids just won’t get fed. Or at best they’ll scrounge something on their own from the fridge, or if DH is being super dad he might order pizza. These things are fine if they happen once or occasionally but not as a big picture solution. All of the problems and work just wait for me until my return and then I just have more to do when I get back. DH still spends tons of time of the toilet. He just ignores the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I work.

Yes I’ve tried leaving and making it DH’s problem. It doesn’t magically make him understand in a way that he didn’t before. Also, if I leave the kids just won’t get fed. Or at best they’ll scrounge something on their own from the fridge, or if DH is being super dad he might order pizza. These things are fine if they happen once or occasionally but not as a big picture solution. All of the problems and work just wait for me until my return and then I just have more to do when I get back. DH still spends tons of time of the toilet. He just ignores the kids.

How old are your kids? I was assuming very young kids, given that you describe them as screaming and this is the infant/toddler/preschool program, but if they're scrounging from the fridge I might be imagining this wrong.

[Anonymous]

Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

My DH has a low government job (not high octane at all and it's incredibly secure). I work in private industry in a much less stable industry (I've been through multiple layoffs) where tight deadlines and demanding clients are common.

I'm also a classic introvert -- would rather read a book at home or have a drink 1:1 than go to party. DH is the opposite and would describe himself as an extrovert.

Yet he also claims he cannot parent right after work and needs to decompress (meaning hide in the bathroom playing games on his phone) while I do what has to be done.

These are socially conditioned gender roles based on ensuring women always carry the burden of childcare more than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost wrote an identical post. Dh comes home from work and sits on the toilet for an hour. Or he cooks dinner and then when it’s time for everyone to eat, he disappears pooping. He is an incredibly helpful man but the amount of time he spends pooping is mind blowing. He’s very thin and active and there isn’t a health issue. I can’t understand it. I even asked if he can poop during work instead. I’m so sick of the kids crying at me while I’m trying to cook and he poops.

Women aren’t like this because kids (mine are toddlers) would break down the door if I spent more than 2 min pooping. They all try to get in and sit with me while I go or they cry outside the door. Men don’t get this treatment.

They really don’t. It’s maddening.

[Anonymous]

Get a smaller house. We never have that problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

oh honestly STFUUUUU. Many moms are introverts and have high stress jobs (that equal or our earn our DHs) and yet somehow we manage to parent.

[Anonymous]

Did I write this?


Mine also falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

Np when I step back no one eats. Is bullshart

[Anonymous]

Went through 12 years of this and now divorced. That is what this leads to unless something changes. However that’s not to say that you can expect your DH to automatically become attentive to what needs to be done. He does need to be honest about how the current situation is unfair to you - mine never could be, which is a big reason we fell apart. Then YOU need to be more assertive and proactive about scheduling your day for more parity by dividing up work in a way that gives him a better chance of doing it (like you clearly agree he will handle dinner/bath/dishes 2 days a week while you go to yoga). But everything depends on him being able to be honest, able to hold to his commitments, and you being able to give up the expectation that he will do it automatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men's jobs tend to be higher risk/higher reward and more stressful. Add to that the fact that some men are introverts but still get pushed into these high octane jobs because that's what they've been acclimated to believe counts for success.

So, yes, some do need time to decompress, although a commute home can also serve that function. Especially if their wives are demanding types who want everything done their way and to their exact standards.

You may not want to hear this, but that's reality. If you can't deal with it, get a divorce.

If they divorce, these poor introverted, stressed out dads are going to have to parent solo half the time. However will they do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I work.

Yes I’ve tried leaving and making it DH’s problem. It doesn’t magically make him understand in a way that he didn’t before. Also, if I leave the kids just won’t get fed. Or at best they’ll scrounge something on their own from the fridge, or if DH is being super dad he might order pizza. These things are fine if they happen once or occasionally but not as a big picture solution. All of the problems and work just wait for me until my return and then I just have more to do when I get back. DH still spends tons of time of the toilet. He just ignores the kids.

So you play with the kids and let him take care of dinner. When he gets tired of handling it every night, offer to switch off. If he doesn’t handle the kids while you’re making dinner stop and handle the kids until he’s back on kid duty then resume dinner making. Don’t stress over it, let him. Stop being a martyr and either have a conversation and make a plan, or just let him figure it out.